I often see a recurring phenomenon that makes it hard for my clients to reach their goal of getting back together with an ex. Breaking up is a tough pill to swallow, and even more so when there’s a false sense of hope. I wanted to write this article today to clarify the difference between holding on to a false sense of hope with an ex and getting a clear view of the situation so that you can properly adapt your strategy.
We are all human and this is a very common mistake, but unfortunately holding on to a false sense of hope can really hold you back from reaching true happiness. In this article, I am going to give you some tools to help you identify whether or not you’re struggling with this today, and I will go over how to get on track towards your goal of building a truly fulfilling relationship.
To help illustrate my point, my client Kristen has agreed to let me share her story with you. Being open and honest with yourself is always the absolute best thing you can do when you’re ready to find true happiness in your life!
Where does a false sense of hope come from?
A false sense of hope with an ex might be more common than people realize. When a relationship begins to bud, you enter into the honeymoon period. During this phase, everything is spectacular and your body is releasing a steady stream of dopamine and serotonin.
You basically feel like you’re on top of the world! You feel electrified and head over heels in love, and the energy that you’re getting from this feeling make you feel like you can do anything. You feel wonderful about yourself and it feels easy to be the best version of yourself around your partner! The same goes for him or her!
You are exposed to what seems to be this person’s fullest potential, and the relationship you envision together fills you with joy! You imagine your future together, the home you will have, perhaps even the family you will create… As the relationship goes on, you tend to hold on to this feeling. When things start to change and become more challenging, this feeling can begin to turn into false hope for how things will be again.
There is always a transitional phase as the honeymoon stage ends, and this happens to everyone. The trick is to evolve with the situation and work together to maintain your bond despite challenges that pop up here and there.
When a breakup occurs, the best parts of the relationship are naturally what become the most present in the mind. It can make a person struggle with denial about the challenges that arose, the unhappiness they felt, and the issues that lead to the demise of the relationship. For some people, holding on to a false sense of hope is simply a defense mechanism against fully experiencing the pain of a breakup. For others, the definition of false hope is actually that they are convincing themselves that the relationship was and will again be something different than it was.
I have coached many people in relationships who would repeatedly say, “Things will be better when …” or “It will work IF…” They rejected their current reality and held on to a false hope that they could change their partner. It’s crucial to understand that you are only in control of your own actions and emotions.
The problem with holding on to a false sense of hope after a breakup is of course that it doesn’t allow you to heal, and it doesn’t allow you to properly address what needs to change in order for a relationship to work with your ex!
Getting rid of false hope in order to be truly happy
Getting rid of a false sense of hope can be very scary, which is why so many people don’t want to do it. They’ll hold on to it and convince themselves that a distorted sense of reality is actually reality.
It is also possible that an ex is actually the one giving you false hope. Here is where Kristen’s story comes into play.
Her ex boyfriend had broken up with her a few months prior to her reaching out to me. He broke up with her because he didn’t feel the spark between them anymore, but she definitely did. He kept telling her that he just needed to figure some things out, he was unhappy with himself, and that he knew that they’d end up together again, so she kept holding on.
She told me that the beginning of their relationship was incredible, and that she had never been happier. She truly thought that she was going to spend the rest of her life with this man, so when the day came when he broke up with her, it felt like her world crumbled around her!
She came to me when she realized that she might be holding on to false hope that their relationship will be restored and that they will be happy together again. In speaking to her, it started to become clear that her ex was actually the one that was giving her a sense of false hope. Simply put, he was leading her on. He was giving her all kinds of mixed signals, and then it came to light that he was dating multiple other women. He just wanted to be free while keeping her near enough to feel reassured that he could go back to her whenever he felt like it.
In Kristen’s case, she was being manipulated.
Whatever the case may be for you, you’re going to have to ask yourself some serious questions and find honest answers. Are you holding on to distorted reality? Is this person, in their current state, the right partner for you? Could this person be playing with you?
Keep in mind that sometimes a person might give you false hope without actually realizing it, which means that it isn’t always malicious. It’s just up to you to very honest with yourself about this person’s behavior and the way that you are perceiving things.
I am not telling you this to frighten you or to tell you that hope is stupid. In fact, I want this to be a tool for you to gain access to true happiness! Hope is an incredible thing, especially when it’s applied the right way.
Whether you are sure that this is the person you want to be with or you know that you need to close this chapter and begin a new one, you’re going to have to focus on yourself now.
Rebuilding your self confidence and making your life into what you’ve always wanted it to be will make you feel much more in control of the situation, and have a clearer idea of how you want things to be. Holding on to false hope takes the control out of your hands and puts it into your ex’s, so it’s up to you to remain in charge of your own wellbeing.
Putting yourself first is the key for getting past this challenging period, and you must look deep within yourself to determine which path is best for you.
I am always here to help so please don’t ever hesitate to reach out for any guidance. Similarly, you can always leave any questions you may have in the comments section below and it would be our pleasure to respond to you personally.
I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love.
Sincerely,
Your coach when you’re struggling with false hope with an ex
Adrian
