It’s a fact of life. Always has been, always will be for as long as the sun rises and sets on us. Whether it be big lies between a dysfunctional couple, or small white lies told to prevent unnecessary drama from ruining a relationship, most, if not all, people will experience a lie within their relationship at one point in their lives. But what happens after the relationship ends and you’re still in touch with your ex? What happens when the dynamics of the relationship are forced to change because you two are no longer together?
After a break-up, the two people in the relationship are no longer entitled to full disclosure and 100% honesty, even more so if there were hurt feelings between the two parties. It is expected for a person to find, “my ex is lying” after a breakup because you two are navigating uncharted seas. Neither of you knows what to say, how to say it, and when. Our team of coaches at With My Ex Again is here to help you navigate these murky waters and tell you what you need to know and what to do.
Why is my ex lying : there are 4 reasons !
1/ To protect you because the truth can hurt you
They say that “the truth shall set you free.” As much as that may be true, it can also hurt you… severely and irreparably. There are some truths that we just never come back from. The sting of pain can fade away, but it can’t be taken back. So you may find yourself saying, “my ex is lying to our friends” in order to protect you, protect your thoughts, your emotions, and your feelings.
In some instances, an ex can be extremely sorry and genuinely remorseful of their actions, enough so that they are willing to live with the shame and guilt of lying to you and keeping the secret they are protecting you from all to themselves.
Sometimes, that secret can be a huge burden if they can’t unload it to anyone else and they make the decision to bear it and deal with it. Your ex may also understand that by coming clean to you, they would just be clearing their own conscience at the cost of your pain, which can come off as selfish, depending on who you ask.
2/ It is not important at her/his eyes…
On the other hand, the situation can be the polar opposite of what was previously described because your ex doesn’t value being honest in whatever situation they are lying about, or doesn’t value honesty in general. It simply isn’t important to them and in their eyes, they do not value that you know the reality of the situation at hand.
You may discover that, “my ex is lying to our family” and that they are ok with lying in order to protect themselves and make sure they are not perceived as the bad guy. Lying, to them, ensures that they can have their cake and eat it too.
In this case, they can live with the lie because the burden isn’t heavy for them. Your ex probably doesn’t see the worth in you knowing the truth and at best, believes that revealing the truth will cause more problems than it will solve, or they are totally indifferent to it.
3/ Dont want you to « police » his/her life and have you keep track of everything
One of the most difficult transitions to make after the end of a relationship is accepting that your boyfriend or girlfriend is no longer your significant other, and they are now your ex. You have to change old thought patterns and ways of thinking so that you behave appropriately around them. You can’t treat them like you once did. And this also means that you are no longer entitled to certain aspects of their life.
If you are a more stubborn or obstinate person, this may be harder to accept for you and why you’re always wondering, “why is my ex constantly lying to me?” You might still be checking up on your ex, combing their social media page, asking them things about their private life that you have no business knowing or no longer entitled to know.
As a result, you may discover that “my ex is lying,” but they’re doing it to keep you out of their business so that you don’t track their every move. They are lying to you to prove a point: that you are no longer together and that you no longer belong to each other, you therefore no longer have the privilege to certain kinds of information about their life.
4/ Want to test you to make sure you changed !
There is also the off-chance that your ex is testing you. If you were clingy or needy with your ex in your past relationship, you’re probably telling yourself, “my ex is lying” because he or she might be trying to teach you a lesson.
You’re in a situation saying “my ex is lying to our friends” or “my ex is lying to our family” because they are waiting to see how you will react. Will you act rationally or out of control? Will you be able to relax and go with the flow or will you take their lying too personally? If this is the case and your ex is indeed testing you, the gravity of these lies won’t be as bad as you think and they might be small, white lies.
My ex is lying : should I do the same ?
If you’re thinking, “my ex girlfriend or my ex boyfriend lied to me,” remember that dishonesty usually begets dishonesty and the best way to counteract it is by being the bigger person and maintaining your integrity. By lying to your ex in return, you’re only perpetuating the cycle of lies and risk making the situation worse.
Additionally, if you stay honest, you can hold your head high with a clean conscience and be clear of any blame or wrongdoing. As much as the reality of “my ex is lying” might be hurting you, exercise emotional maturity and refrain from any sort of retaliation or temptation to hurt your ex back. You have better things to focus on, like continuing to work on yourself in order to, above all else, be a better person, and secondly, to get your ex back.
Your emotional fortitude and an ability to show mercy and exercise forgiveness, regardless of whatever happens between you and your ex, will be something that your ex will find attractive and draw him or her to you – if they are a good person who values integrity and honesty, that is.
Your ex could also easily take advantage of these wonderful qualities and walk all over you. If that’s the case, then you really have to ask yourself what you’re doing with this person and why? You do not need to get sucked into your ex’s vicious cycle and absorb the lies into your own life.
How to move on from a lying ex : 3 things to do
Do not interact or give your valuable time to addressing the situation
At the end of the day, a lie is a lie and your ex was willing to cross a line from being forthcoming to being dishonest. Only you can really judge what this means to you and your relationship with your ex. If you are wondering how to get over an ex who lies, chances are the deceit your ex committed against you was serious enough to warrant putting the final nail in the coffin in which your relationship lies.
The most quick and practical thing you can do is to cut off the relationship at the vein, delete your ex’s contact info, stop talking to any of his family, friends, or acquaintances that you do not share, and simply exit stage left and disappear immediately and completely.
I do stress, however, that this is extremely difficult to do and usually only possible when you are given a last, final push. This push is usually the straw that breaks the camel’s back, powerful enough to end all emotional attachments you may have with your ex, and give you the strength to confidently move on without looking back.
You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to pick their phone call, answer their texts, or emails, or messages. If they confront you in person, you can politely ask them to leave and not harass you. Simply do not give your time or engagement to your ex.
Show that the lies have no effect on you
Another way to move on that will also require a steely resolve is to regain a newfound worth for your own life without your ex. What this means is to stop asking yourself, “Why is my ex lying?” and completely and utterly stop focusing on anything and everything related to your ex. This will require two steps.
First, make peace with everything that has transpired between you and your ex for the entire time that you knew each other. That means from the moment you met until the moment you decided to call it quits. If you feel you’ve made any mistakes, forgive yourself for them and intend to move forward with your life with a clean conscience. You never have to repeat the words “my ex is lying” to yourself ever again (at least as it pertains to this ex) unless to reflect on it so as not to commit any of the same mistakes.
Secondly, appreciate your life as you blossom into an improved version of yourself. Showcase your newfound joy for life to your friends and family, show-off your new activities, or new friends to your old friends and acquaintances.
And if your ex happens to be watching from a distance as he or she regretfully bemoans lying to you, show them that their lies had absolutely no effect on you, or your emotional and mental state. Show them that you have power over your thoughts and your emotions, and that they don’t.
Learn from the past, plan for the future, but ALWAYS be in present
If you learned the lessons that you needed to learn from your past and from the mistakes that you made, or that were made against you, then you need not dwell on it any more than you have to. If you have adequately prepared for the future and have set the gears in motion for whatever plans you have made, then you can just set it and forget it. What is important is that you enjoy the time you are living through at this very instance.
Appreciate what you already have and do not fret about an idealized past or an unrealized future. Be sure to take it all in! The company you’re presently with, the sights, the smells, the sounds, the feelings, and the memories being formed. Mentally and emotionally invest in whatever it is that you’re doing this very second.
The human mind can only process so much at any given time. It would behoove you to focus on what’s on your plate in front of you. If you can do this effectively, you will not be thinking about how to get over an ex who lies. And the less you think about him or her, the more their memory – and their lies – will fade away over time, leaving you a much better and wiser person.
If you’ve been thinking, “My ex is lying” for longer than you’ve liked and need help, drop us a line! Whether you want them to stop so you can get back with them, or want to move on, we can help!