Radio Silence : The new and improved no contact rule to get back with an ex!
The no contact rule is a concept that was developed some time ago in order to make an ex miss you and want to get back together following a breakup. My mentor Alexandre Cormont and I studied this idea and tested different variations of this concept over a period of 7 years! We recognized that no two breakups are alike and every relationship is unique; so we tried to adapt this concept to provide a tailored made approach for the more than 15,000 people who have reached out to us since 2007.
Ultimately our experience has led us to create a new and improved form of the no contact rule; a technique that Alexandre Cormont coined the radio silence. In this modern version of the no contact rule developed in France we were able to weave out all of the unnecessary elements in order to provide you with a simple yet very powerful 12 step plan.
A radio silence if implemented in the right way will help you shift the balance of power in your favor following a breakup.
It is our pleasure to be able to share with you this unique 12 step plan to implement a perfect radio silence; It will enable you to regain control and not let your emotions dictate your next move. With this amazing game plan you will have a renewed sense of direction and know exactly what you need to do to change the way your ex feels about you!
Enjoy it and good luck in your quest to get back with the one you love!
Adrian & Alex
Relationships experts from the Love Coach Team at WithMyExAgain.com
A 12 step plan to implement a perfect Radio Silence
It may not be the first time that you read about the no contact rule, but I am almost positive that it is the first time that you will see a detailed 12 step plan to implement a perfect radio silence following a breakup. As I always tell the people that I coach on a one to one basis, it is never good to do a copy paste when it comes to advice that you find on the internet to get back with your ex.
Although our 12 step plan is the result of years of work we also encourage you to adapt our advice to the specificity of your current situation. If you are sure that one of these steps will be counterproductive to you than skip it!
This is only to serve as a guide and to provide you with a road map in order for you to know where you are going when you start to implement your radio silence to ultimately get back with the one you love.
That said make sure that you don’t cut corners or try to go too fast in this process. If the person that you are trying to get back with is that important to you, take all the time that you need to implement this radio silence the right way. If you do, it will change your life forever and drastically increase your chances of getting back with your ex.
If you feel that you need extra support to get back with your ex, or to be coached to get back with the one you love than reach out to me in order for us to work together! It would be my pleasure to guide you and help you meet your goals.
The no contact rule may be the key to getting back with the one you love
The no contact rule is a fantastic way to go into damage control following a break up. It is so easy to let your emotions get the best of you and to do or say things that you will end up regretting after your ex tells you that your relationship is over. In order to implement it the right way you need to know why you are taking a step back; that is precisely what we will explain to you throughout the next 12 steps that you will discover here.
Step 1: Avoid making more mistakes
One of the primary purposes of putting in place a no contact period is to avoid making mistakes. We are going begin with the assumptions that you have already made some mistakes because more than 95% of the people that we coach have made major mistakes at some point in their relationship.
By challenging yourself not to contact your ex for a pre-determined period of time you will force yourself to take a step back and ensure that you not say or do something that you will later regret. It is a lot easier to ruin your chances of convincing your ex to give you another chance than it is to make your ex fall in love with you again in the days or weeks following a breakup.
So the first step is to make sure that you hold yourself accountable and not reach out to your ex in any way shape or form during the no contact period that you will have set. For relationships that lasted more than a year, the radio silence should not last less than 3 weeks.
In some case we advise that people go even longer when big mistakes were made either before, during or in the days following the breakup.
For those of you coming out of short relationships that lasted less than a year, 10 days of no contact can be a good starting point.
Step 2: Give your ex space
If your ex broke up with you the odds are that they did so because they needed space. A breakup means separation. Do yourself a favor and give your ex what they so desire! A no contact rule is also destined to make your ex face their decision to break up with you. As long as you are texting, calling or reaching out your ex cannot truly understand what it’s like to be single.
When someone breaks up they always believe that the grass is greener on the other side of fence. They have no problem envisioning all the benefits that come with being single. Your ex probably craves that freedom and the feeling of being back on the open market. Indeed a world of opportunity a waits.
What your ex fails to realize is that it’s very easy to feel lonely or to experience an emotional gap following a breakup. You will leave behind a pretty big emotional empty space that your ex will feel pretty soon after you stop reaching out. At best it will make your ex realize how much they miss you and need you.
At worse it will give your ex space to rethink the way that they perceived your relationship. A bit of perspective can’t hurt since you are already broken up!
Step 3: Remember that a no contact rule is also meant to understand what went wrong
Most people tend to forget that a no contact period is not just implemented to have an effect on an ex; it’s also done to have an impact on you! If you are serious about trying to get back together you will need to take the time to understand what went wrong in your previous relationship in order not to make the same mistakes again the next time around.
Don’t just look at the surface or stay stuck on the same basic issues that you faced as a couple. Try to dig deeper to really understand what the forces that drove you both apart really were. A simple yet very powerful exercise is to list all of the issues that you faced as a couple on a sheet of paper.
Don’t neglect anything! List every possible conflict or major issue that you faced. Something that may seem small or insignificant to you may in fact be the straw that ultimately broke the camel’s back for your ex!
No contact after breakup will provide you with fresh perspectives
Another issue that most people face during or after a breakup is that they are entangled in a negative spiral. It’s so easy to be depressed or to feel sorry for yourself when you lose the person that you love. Forcing the issue and trying to stay in contact with them immediately following the separation only creates more negativity and frustration.
In turn this can lead to inaction, to a lack of drive and to stay stuck moving in a downwards trend. But gaining a bit of distance and separation can give you a renewed sense of purpose and fresh perspectives about how to get back with your ex.
Step 4: Come up with a game plan to meet your goal
It is so important to have a game plan as you get ready to face your ex again to ultimately have a clear sense of exactly what you need to do to get back with the one you love. When I speak about a game plan there are three essential aspects that I will want you to pay special attention too. The rest will be optional and up to you to figure out if you want to incorporate those different elements into your strategy.
You must have a communication strategy before you break your silence. Know how you plan to engage with your ex and when. This will enable you to regulate your approach but also to make sure that you will not be reactionary but rather take the lead to bring the dynamics of your conversations with your ex on a field of play that will be beneficial to you.
You also want to ensure that you include actions to your game plan that will force you to act against your natural way of being or of doing things. Don’t always act as you normally would; or do what you normally would do. Force yourself to try to be different with your ex because staying true to who you were at the end of your relationship did not end up working out!
Finally make sure that you take a goal minded approach in your quest to get back with your significant other. You must set daily, weekly and monthly goals in order to monitor your progress and hold yourself accountable. Stray away from abstract goals such as; I need to be a more caring boyfriend or I need to be a chiller girlfriend.
On the contrary you must include a when and a how as you plan to meet specific objectives. For example tell yourself “I will cook a special and different meal every Wednesday night” or “I will no longer call him during the weekends past 10 pm to find out where he is and who he is with”.
If you fail to live up to your goal, you will know right away that you are off track and that you need to pick up the slack!
Step 5: Rebuild your self-confidence and your self-esteem
If your ex is the one who broke up your ego probably took a hit; or you may be completely shattered and feel like a part of you was lost. No contact after breakup can help you snap out of this emotional blockage and regain some self-esteem before you are forced to see your ex again.
You need to come to terms with the fact that you will not be able to convince your ex to get back together if you are unsure yourself of your capacity to make them happy in the long run!
Let’s not kid ourselves getting back with an ex can be a challenge sometimes; and you will need to be resilient and have enough faith in yourself to put in the time and effort needed to reach your goals.
Deciding to implement a no contact after breakup policy is a good start but you can look to regain some self-esteem in a variety of ways. Different techniques work better for different people depending on your personality and culture.
The best advice that I can give you is to stretch your comfort zone at every opportunity that you get. It will make you feel good once you have overcome an obstacle; and you will slowly start to realize that you can continue to breakdown more and more barriers.
Reach out to me if need be, it would be my pleasure to work with you to ensure that you regain a sense of confidence and to provide you with the support you need during your no contact period!
Step 6: No contact after a breakup can help you find solutions to avoid making the same mistakes
Another essential step is to be able to find solutions to ensure that you will not make the same mistakes but also to showcase your change. If you don’t take the time to clearly highlight how and when you plan to implement certain actions in your daily life you will simply not know where to start. Furthermore it is so easy to get sidetracked or to try to cut corners along the way.
The best way to stay accountable to you and to the one you love is to use the period of no contact after a breakup to write down a list of concrete actions that you will start to implement right away. You should go back to the exercise that you have started in step 3 and find multiple potential solutions or actions to undertake to address each problem previously identified.
Please don’t gloss through this step and really take the time to put in the work. If you don’t do this right you run the risk of running into the same problems and being right back into the same situation that you are currently in; even if you do manage to get back with the one you love. Have you ever met couples that have gone through four, five or even six breakups?
Yep, those people did not take the time to see this exercise through before giving it another shot!
No contact after a break up also affects your ex!
Although it is important to start by highlighting the value that a no contact period after a break up can have on you and your own growth; let’s not forget that your radio silence will also have a very powerful effect on your ex! At this stage your ex feels that they know you and that you are incapable of changing or surprising them.
But being able to take a step back will plant a seed of doubt in the way that your ex feels about you.
This approach (when done in the right way) will slowly start to shift the balance of power in your favor!
Step 7: Create a feeling of absence or loss for your ex
Your ex thinks that they know what they want and it’s to be single. It is very easy to quickly see the positives that come with a new found freedom. It’s also a lot simpler to see the issues and frustration experienced in a relationship, rather than all of the positive aspects that you bring to the table. Humans by nature always want what they can’t have!
So make your ex really face the separation; don’t reach out to them every other day to remind them that you are here waiting for them to change their mind. If you do so you will never make them face the realities that come with being single.
Don’t give them the best of both worlds; and no contact after break up can ensure that they face their choice and start to experience the emptiness left by your absence. I am absolutely positively sure that you must have brought some sort of emotional comfort and stability to your ex one way or another.
Shutting off all contact or reassurance from one day to the next will make your ex face the fact that they are about to lose you for good!
I often get asked “how can I implement a successful radio silence if I still live with my ex; if we have kids together; or even if we work together”. The answer is quite straight forward; you don’t have to completely shut down and not speak to your ex at all to show a change; or that you have distanced yourself from them!
If you have kids together, make sure that you stay positive around the children and that you cooperate with your ex on all issues that are centered around your kids.
Same thing, if you work together you need to stay professional and work with your ex in order to do your job efficiently. You need to separate your professional tasks to your personal business in order to keep it together! But at the same time, you don’t have to engage with him at all in regards to all other matters.
If you are forced to live with your ex, you can also just not give them the same attention as you might have in the past! Your ex will see a contrast in your behavior right away and your radio silence will have its intended affects.
Step 8: Change your look to reinforce the notion that you have evolved
The point here is not to go crazy and completely change your wardrobe. I am simply encouraging you to go out and buy those pants or that dress that you have been thinking about for a few weeks now. Or to go ahead and buy yourself a new suit just because!
Purchasing new clothes with the purpose of adding a new touch to your look will have a snowball effect and help you get closer to getting back with the one you love in several ways.
First of all if you look good and feel good, you will gain confidence and self-esteem. We have already detailed at great length the importance of believing in yourself in step 5; so going out of your way to look good will make you feel better and thus be subconsciously more confident the next time you see your ex!
Again, no need to go crazy here or to go out and spend more than you can afford too. But within reason, make yourself happy and buy a few items that will enable you to feel renewed.
Changing your look will also showcase that you have evolved. Your ex probably knows every piece of clothes that you own. They will notice it right away, and they will know that something about you as changed. You can even take it a step further and go for a new haircut or hairstyle. Make sure you go for something different, but something that you love and that will make you happy…not insecure!
This way the next time that you communicate with your ex following a no contact period your physical appearance and look will reinforce the notion that you are indeed a new you.
Step 9: No contact in itself will enable you to surprise your ex
If you are able to control your emotions and not reach out to your ex following a break up the odds are that you will surprise your ex. They probably expect you to plea and beg; They know that you love them and want nothing else than to be together. They expect you to chase them! But you won’t do any of that. You will come up with a plan and really think about the way that you intend on communicating with them
I constantly remind people that I coach that no contact is an action; inaction is an action when it comes to getting back with an ex! You will not only be able to surprise your ex by not reaching out but you will also put yourself in position to regain control of the process of getting back together. It will be your choice not to reach out or speak to your ex at this point not the other way around.
In essence you will put yourself in position to start to tilt the balance of power in your favor!
A radio silence can enable you to come full circle and start a new and improved relationship with your ex
Forget trying to get back with your ex! Your goal should be to engage in a new relationship that will enable both of you to break away from your past failed love story. Your ex doesn’t want to get back with you anyways she wants to fall in love with the person that inspired them at the beginning of your relationship.
Get in the mindset of starting something new with the one you love following your radio silence; it is truly the best way to ensure that you won’t fall into the same pitfalls the next time around!
Step 10: Showcase your resurrection
One you have decided to reestablish communication with your ex following your radio silence your goal should be to showcase your resurrection. You don’t want to overdo it because you will need to remain credible; but you absolutely must show to your ex that what you have just gone through has brought about an unprecedented change in your life.
It is absolutely essential that you position this resurrection as a change done for you and for your own stability and well-being. Although the breakup and her input may have triggered your reflection, you have decided to change in order to make yourself a better and happier person.
Your ex will not want to hear that you are doing things just to get back with them. And they will be very skeptical about anything that seems different when it comes to your personality or behavior. That is why it is absolutely essential for you to do the work and to really evolve. If you try to trick your ex, they will notice it over time. You won’t be able to sustain a fake change.
So how can you showcase your resurrection? By highlighting things that you have started to do that you never would have done while you were together. If you were lazy and never wanted to get out of your comfort zone, you can tell your ex that you have started going to the gym 3 times a week; that you are starting to learn another language on your own; and that you are starting a home based business in your spare time, for example.
The only caveat is that you will really need to be doing what you claim you are doing! If your ex thinks that you were too selfish you can tell them that you have started doing community service to spend time with the elderly at local hospital; you get the gist. But again you will really need to be doing these things otherwise you won’t be credible!
So don’t tell your ex that you have evolved, explain to them what you have been up too during your radio silence in order to prove your point.
Step 11: Re-seduce your ex
If you are able to maintain a healthy communication platform with your ex; to stay positive and never argue or fight with them, you will place yourself in a prime position to re-seduce the one you love. When you are around them you will need to smile a lot; to be energetic and positive and to never ever criticize them.
Your ex will doubt you for a while so you really need to not push the envelope and to let time work in your favor. The longer you wait and the longer you stay in line with the new you; and the better your chances will be of making your ex fall head over heels for you. You will basically be constantly offering them the new and improved version of you, everything that they ever wanted and more!
Remember that you were able to seduce your ex once before at the beginning of your relationship, before you officially started to date one another. If you’ve done it once you can do it again, especially after a successful implementation of the radio silence technique!
Be confident around your ex without being cocky; be mindful of their needs without putting them on a pedestal; create those intimate moments without putting yourself in demand. If you are able to find the right balance between hot and cold and if you remain positive; I have absolutely no doubt that you will be able to inspire your ex again!
Step 12: Seal the deal following a radio silence and prove your change overtime
Once you have proven to your ex that you can be trusted and that you can make them happy you will have basically reached your goal of getting back together. To make them trust you and believe that you can both make each other happy is in fact the exact same thing as haven proven your change over time!
The first rule to seal the deal is not to rush. If you are unsure whether you should make a move the time probably isn’t right. You will know when your ex is ready to commit again, it will be pretty clear.
Don’t get discouraged if you feel like you haven’t been making progress. The moment that you have been waiting for often happens overnight. In other words you won’t know that you are getting really close until you do because your ex will have professed their love to you out of the blue!
But by then you’ll know what your ex is really trying to tell you; not that they love you again but rather that they trust you and believe in your ability to make them happy for a long long time.
To conclude I would like to remind you that you should never ever stop fighting for your relationship. If you do once you are back together you will start to settle and you run the risk of falling into another downward spiral; while also neglecting to meet your ex’s needs some way somehow.
Healthy relationships take work to maintain; In order for love to continuously flow but to ensure that you are constantly inspiring your partner and making them happy. Good luck with your radio silence and in your pursuit of getting back with the one you love.
Adrian & Alex
Relationships experts from the Love Coach Team at WithMyExAgain.com