One of most common questions I get in my coaching sessions and in the comments section beneath our videos is, “How come my ex is angry?” It can be because the person doesn’t understand what they did to deserve such a reaction from an ex, but it can also be because so much time has passed since the breakup that it feels like their ex should have cooled off by now. Oftentimes, it becomes a roadblock to someone who is working on getting back together with their ex. If an ex is angry at you, of course it’s hard to get close again. So what’s going on and what can you do?
Sometimes an ex’s behavior and attitude remain negative and bitter long after a breakup because you’ve broken their trust, you’ve neglected them, or perhaps you’ve even disappointed them in a serious way. Sometimes it goes deeper than your breakup and relationship and actually has nothing to do with you! In order to give you some clarity and help guide you towards success in getting back together with this person, I’m going to go over what’s going on in your ex’s mind right now and what you can do to turn things around.
Like all good things, it’s going to take time and patience, and you’re going to have to practice self control and discipline. You can change the situation and put the odds back in your favor, trust me! You just need to be careful to avoid making mistakes. It’s a tricky period, but as an expert specialized in love and relationships, I can assure you that there are plenty of things that you can do!
Why is my ex so angry with me still?
When the breakup is fresh and certain things happened that made your ex feel disrespected and hurt, it’s normal that they would be angry. They’re having a normal emotional response to something negative that happened in your relationship. Sometimes the source of this emotion is clear (for example if you cheated, lied, disrespected them, or hurt them in any way). Other times, it is not to clear and you might be left wondering what you did to deserve so much anger from your ex.
It is important to understand that exes are resentful because they are hurt. Even if they’re the ones that broke up with you, they can be feeling upset because they’re experiencing the death of what they thought was going to be a long and happy relationship with you. If you’re thinking, “My ex is angry and ignoring me,” keep in mind that your ex is hurt and disappointed with the situation. When they’re resentful, it can also be because you pushed a little too hard after the breakup.
Perhaps you tried and tried to change their mind. Perhaps they feel that at this point, you’re trying to hold them back from being happy without you. If this is happening, you’ve got to take a step back. I often see people making a serious mistake in this specific moment.
They try even harder to cling to their ex, and this just makes their ex want to get even further away and they end up feeling even more upset. You might catch yourself becoming overly apologetic and trying to justify your actions.
I’ve also seen instances in which an ex thinks a person did something when in reality they didn’t. One of my clients had an ex with a jealous best friend, who made up a lie about my client in an effort to get closer to my client’s ex . Unfortunately, the ex in question believed this lie and changed his entire attitude towards my client. He thought that she had been unfaithful to him, and she didn’t even know until he told her.
Sometimes, an ex will express anger towards you simply because they’re using you and the breakup as a scapegoat. They might just not be in a good place in their life, and they might be feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with themselves, so they take it out on you.
Each situation is unique, but there is a common theme that I’ve noticed. When an ex is angry, they often hold on to that anger for longer than necessary. While they might have a legitimate reason to feel that way, they often subconsciously preserve that feeling because it keeps them in a position of power over you.
They can often abuse this power to make themselves feel better. They want to feel like they call the shots now because you screwed up. This becomes incredibly frustrating for you because it feels like you can’t win. They build up walls and you can’t seem to figure out what to do…
Fortunately you’ve found this article because I am here to help!
What to do when you’ve got an angry ex
When you’re dealing with an angry ex wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend, and you are met with negativity and walls over and over again, the first thing to do is to take a step back right now. Stop reaching out for the time being so that we can regroup. I know that sounds scary because you don’t want to be out of touch with the person you love, but sometimes you need to take a step back so that you can make a powerful comeback.
If you’ve been trying to talk to this person and you keep getting the same results, you can’t expect things to change. It’s like Einstein’s famous quote: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
If you’ve been trying and trying, it means that you’re still seeking validation from your ex and that’s going to need to change. Even if you did something wrong, putting your ex on a pedestal is not going to change the situation in your favor. Your ex knows that you’re sorry because I’m sure you’ve apologized many times, so now you’re going to have to change your approach.
Instead of showering your ex in apologies, instead of trying to justify your behavior, and instead of becoming needy or clingy, it’s time to take a step back so that your ex can breathe and so that you can regroup and change your plan of attack. The more you pressure your angry ex, the more bitter and resentful he or she will become.
At this point, it’s time to switch your focus to yourself so that you can focus on the things that you can control. It’s time to prioritize the things that actually make you happy, and you will see a tangible shift in the situation.
Once you begin focusing on making improvements to your own life instead of seeking forgiveness or focusing on getting close to your ex again, they will notice. This is when you’ll start noticing that they will test the waters and try to reestablish contact with you.
The absolute best thing to do right now is to focus on your own personal development so that you can become the best version of yourself. Even if your ex is angry at you, the more attention you give them, the easier it will be for them to take you for granted and maintain control in the power play.
Once you make a shift and begin prioritizing your own well being, growing from the breakup, becoming the new and improved version of yourself, your ex’s attention will be sparked. They’ll want to know more, so they will gravitate back towards you.
This is when you will be able to reestablish contact and create a new dynamic between you. I know that right now it’s tough because you’re dealing with a furious ex, or maybe even a passive aggressive ex, but you can turn this thing around, trust me.
Each situation is entirely unique, so I encourage you to get in touch with us. Together we can design the perfect action plan for how to deal with a difficult ex, and we can tailor it to your specific situation so that you can reach your goal as soon as possible! I know that it all feels overwhelming right now, but all you need to do is start by taking a step back and switching your focus to your own persona; development. For more information on how to heal from a break up, click here!
As always, we are always here to help so don’t hesitate to reach out. Leave any questions you may have in the comments section below and it would be our pleasure to personally respond to you!
Wishing you all the best in life and love
Your coach when you have an angry ex
Adrian
12 Responses
I have a angry ex we have a child together it’s been over two years since we broke up and she has a new boyfriend now. I don’t know why she’s still mad at me but she wants me to have nothing to do with our daughter. I have court ordered parenting time and last time I dropped my daughter off I gave her a stuffed animal and her mother took the stuffed animal away from my daughter and threw it at my car in the parking lot. I think she still blames the break up on me? But I’m not sure she had a boyfriend less than a week later and looked really happy untill they broke up then I was completely cut off from my daughter for almost two years till a judge finally let me get parenting time.i had to prove I was a fit parent she said I was suicidal which I never was and she said I was a drug user which I never was. I had to do drug testing and go to the doctors for evaluations which everything came back normal. And I thought that would be punishment enough but she’s still coming after all these years later and I have no idea what to do.
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for confiding and sharing your experience. It’s clear that you’ve been through a harrowing journey with your ex, and the pain and challenges you’ve faced are immense. The love for your child shines through every word. Your commitment to ensuring a bond with your daughter, even in the face of adversity, is commendable. While your ex’s behavior and the past accusations are distressing, it’s crucial to maintain your calm and composure for your daughter’s sake. Remember, children often understand more than we give them credit for. It might be helpful to consider a one-on-one coaching session to navigate this complex dynamic better. Together, we can explore strategies and perspectives that might provide some solace and direction. If you have any direct queries or thoughts, please let me know. Your resilience and perseverance are vital on this journey of rebuilding connections.
With support,
Coach Adrian
Thanks for your article. I’ve been with my ex for 18 months, he ended things because he said he couldn’t meet my needs (emotional or physical),. He felt disrespected because I overshared intimate details of our relationship because I was frustrated, he’s avoidant and shuts down and I get anxious. He said he wanted to try again, we were only apart a week, so I didn’t have time to really do the no contact thing and work on myself, but since then he’s been angry and I feel like I’m always apologising and saying what I will do differently, he shrugs his shoulders and says we’ll see. I feel like I’ve done most of the pursuing in the relationship and it’s been very tiring. I feel now the dynamic has changed and I’m in the dog house I will be doing even more pursuing. How do I take a step back but keep the relationship moving forward? Many thanks
Nina, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. Relationships, especially those marked by different attachment styles, can be incredibly challenging but also opportunities for personal growth.
The dynamics you describe suggest a cycle of emotional push-and-pull, often seen in relationships where one partner is avoidant and the other anxious. This pattern can be exhausting and can lead to feelings of insecurity and frustration.
To shift this dynamic, focus on understanding your own needs and boundaries. It’s essential to communicate clearly but also to listen and respect your partner’s perspectives and limitations. However, a relationship should not be a constant struggle of one partner pursuing and the other retreating.
Consider taking some time to focus on yourself, your growth, and your well-being. This doesn’t necessarily mean ending the relationship, but rather shifting your focus from “pursuing” to “growing” – both individually and as a couple.
In a personal coaching session, we could delve deeper into strategies for managing your anxiety, setting healthy boundaries, and improving communication. Remember, a healthy relationship is a partnership where both individuals feel valued, respected, and understood.
My ex boyfriend and I were happily together for a solid year. Almost inseparable. Then, I did the unthinkable, I gave him an ultimatum. I was tired of going back and forth to my house to his. After the move in together bomb was dropped. He began pulling away. I Began chasing him trying to pick up the pieces behind him. We got back together for a very short period. He would refuse to talk about the relationship and try and resolve any issues. I resorted to writing him every time we would get into a discussion he would refuse to talk and just blurt his true feelings. In two word sentences.
I finally got so angry that out of spite I said some hateful words. I was mainly just trying to protect my heart and humility of feeling I wasn’t enough.
He would call and always make an excuse to speak or see each other. I did the same thing. The last letter I written to him. I wanted to just end things. So I just gave it my last punch! I know! I regret, that I jumped to conclusions and said some things like a High School Girl would write.
Fast Forward- 1 year later. We are trying, or should I say, I am trying to agree to be friends. I called and apologized to him. For everything I had said in every letter. I blamed myself and now. I feel he will never open his heart to getting back together. He calls for small favors or asking me to come hang out. He refuses to discuss our relationship and gets angry! He won’t just be blunt and say, we don’t have a relationship we are just friends. I refused the Friendship with Benefits program he offered. We have a ton in common and usually if he lets his guard down we have a great time together.
I’ve gone on a couple of dates and one guy currently wants to take things to the next level. . I can’t seem to let go. I can’t seem to draw any of my attention off this guy. I haven’t been able to get intimate with anyone else. I am not sure if I should tell him I am stepping back or should I just stop calling and replying?
Jo, your willingness to reflect on your past actions and seek guidance shows great strength. Relationships often challenge us to grow in unexpected ways.
The situation you describe indicates a significant communication breakdown, intensified by emotional responses on both sides. It’s clear that both of you care deeply, yet struggle to find a healthy way to communicate and understand each other’s needs.
First, it’s important to acknowledge the hurt and the role you both played in it. However, dwelling on regret can keep you stuck. Focus on what you’ve learned from this experience and how it can shape your future relationships – whether with him or someone else.
Regarding your ex, it’s essential to respect his boundaries and the current status of your relationship. If he’s unwilling to discuss past issues or consider a romantic relationship, pushing for more might only create further distance. Meanwhile, consider what you truly want and need in a relationship. Does this current dynamic align with those needs? Sometimes, the best way to heal and move forward is to genuinely embrace being single and explore new possibilities.
In a personal coaching session, we could explore these feelings further, helping you gain clarity on what you want and how to achieve it, whether it involves your ex or moving on.
I just recently broke up with who I thought was the love of my life.We have 2 kids together moved in a big house & lived the married life for the most part just without the title.She gives me mixed signals sometimes like the other day she drunk calls me & expressed her feelings to me even though she is currently associating with another guy at the moment.Ik I probably shouldn’t have answered because I’m giving her access to me & she’s also gaining power from the situation.But that made me really confused & Ive tried to rekindle our flame & make her feel special in various different ways but she says now is not the time & she needs her space.She never truly ruled that we would never get back together but she said that at the this moment she believes it’s best for us to go out separate ways because we were too toxic.Which is partly true because we would often struggle communicating but that was our biggest flaw & I believe this can be fixed.I love this girl with all my heart & I’m now in a phase where I’m about to start bettering myself & focusing on my goals.I just want to know is there still hope & a chance in the future that me and her end up getting back together.
Tevin, it sounds like you’re in a challenging phase of uncertainty and mixed emotions. It’s admirable that you’re considering self-improvement and focusing on your goals, which is crucial in times like these.
In regards to your ex-partner, it’s clear that there are unresolved feelings and perhaps a lack of clear communication. Her actions, while confusing, indicate that she’s also navigating her own set of emotions and uncertainties. It’s important in these situations to give each other space to think and breathe. Pressuring for a decision or a rekindling of the relationship might not yield the outcome you hope for.
Consider using this time to truly focus on yourself, as you mentioned. Improving communication skills, understanding your own needs and flaws, and working on them can not only make you a better partner but also a better individual.
As for the future of your relationship, it’s unpredictable. The best course of action is to prepare for any outcome. If she decides to revisit the relationship, ensure that it’s for the right reasons and not just out of comfort or familiarity. A personal coaching session could help you navigate these complex feelings and provide more tailored advice.
Remember, growth is a continuous journey, and focusing on your personal development will benefit you regardless of the relationship’s outcome.
I recently broke up with my ex, he wouldn’t allow me to pack my own things, when I started to speak out about the breakup he started to threaten me first using my mom and then with a letter. I understand he’s hurt but I’ve already apologised so many times I’ve lost count now all he keeps saying is I lied to him but ever since the breakup he’s been threatening and angry towards me
Rebecca, your courage in reaching out about such a sensitive issue is truly commendable. It’s clear that this breakup has taken an emotionally tumultuous turn. It’s important to recognize that while apologies are necessary, they cannot always control how others respond. In your ex-partner’s case, his actions—threatening and anger—are not justifiable, regardless of his hurt. This is a delicate situation where your safety and well-being must be paramount.
In situations like these, it’s essential to set clear boundaries. Your safety, both emotional and physical, is the priority. If his behavior is threatening or makes you feel unsafe, consider reaching out to a support network or authorities. It’s also important to find a supportive environment, whether it’s friends, family, or a professional counselor, to help you navigate through this challenging time.
Remember, healing from a breakup is a journey that involves acknowledging your feelings, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed. If you feel like discussing this further, a personal coaching session can offer more tailored advice for your unique situation.
Stay strong and remember that prioritizing your well-being is not just important, it’s necessary.
Thank you so much for your article! I’ve been trying to get back with my ex and father of my 3months old Baby, but nothing is working. He broke up with me when I was 5 months pregnant, he was feeling disrespected and not heard, he begged me to change my behaviour but I couldn’t see what he really meant… I feel like I let him down. I keep apologising, crying my eyes out, laying down my own self… nothing seems to work… I begged him to consider co-parenting because we were living together before the breakup and even after he asked me to leave (I left for a month) I couldn’t do it on my own so he accepted the I’d come back until baby is a bit older but we are in separate rooms. It’s so so so hard.. I can’t believe that I wasn’t the best partner and I’ve caused all this… He doesn’t trust me nor believes me. I try ripping my self up so he can see me, but he can’t.
I don’t know what else to do….
Thea,
Rebuilding trust and respect in a relationship, especially with a new baby, is a delicate process. It’s great that you’re recognizing areas where you can improve. However, it’s also essential to maintain your self-esteem and not lose yourself in the process. Co-parenting in a healthy environment is crucial for your child. If you need further guidance on how to navigate this complex situation, a personal coaching session could be beneficial.