People mistakenly think that the person who makes the decision to break up doesn’t feel as much pain as the person who got broken up with. If you’re sitting here reading this right now because you left your significant other and are experiencing a deep sense of pain, you know that that just simply is not true. You know that the pain can be overwhelmingly strong, and that you can be filled with a sense of regret, remorse, fear, and even panic.
That is why I wanted to write this article on why breakups hurt even when you want it to happen, what you can do to ease the pain, and what to do next.
Why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it to happen?
To answer this question as simply as possible, breakups hurt like this because it is the death of something that was precious to you. You had invested so much time and energy into making it grow, you nurtured it, and you developed all kinds of hopes and dreams for its future, but now it is no longer there.
Why breakups hurt: The loss factor
One way to think about it is to see this period as a time of mourning. The feelings you’re experiencing are associated to a sense of loss, even if you were the one who chose to end the relationship. Both of you lost the relationship, so of course you’re hurting right now too.
On top of that, when a person is happy in a relationship, the brain will release hormones like dopamine and serotonin, but when the relationship is no longer there it can feel like these emotions were just taken off of life support.
Breakups hurt because of how your sense of identity is forced to change
When a serious relationship comes to an end, a person’s sense of identity is shattered. They’ve spent so much time investing in this relationship and trying to make it thrive, that it’s become a part of who they are.
Now that the relationship is no longer there, it feels like a huge void. What’s more, the shock that comes following the breakup can lead to a series of mistakes that can actually make matters worse.
For example, some people panic and realize that they don’t actually want to be alone so they scramble to try and get their ex back. Unfortunately, when this is done hastily it can lead to a very precarious situation because a solid foundation has not been laid down.
It’s not uncommon for people to feel addicted to the person they love. You end up suffering because you fear losing them forever. This fear leads to panic, which in turn can often lead to making mistakes. When you are worried that you’ll never ever be with the one you love again, you can also make the mistake of putting an ex on a pedestal and fixating on only the positive elements of the relationship you had together.
This is why it’s so important to take the time to heal before you make any decisions in regards to trying to get an ex back – especially if you are unsure right now. We often work with clients who are struggling with emotional dependency so I can tell you how important it is to ensure that if you want your ex back it’s because you truly believe in your love; not because you’re afraid of being alone.
How to heal break up pain as soon as possible
As a coach specialized in getting people back together, I work with people to help them bounce back from painful breakups on a daily basis. Whether they’re in the initial shock that follows the breakup, whether they’re trying to figure out how to move on and turn the page, or whether they’re trying to figure out the best way to get back together with the person they love, I can help.
The one thing I want you to understand about breakup pain right off the bat is that it’s crucial that you go through the healing process – whether or not you want your ex back! I am going to focus on how to do exactly that in this article, so let’s take a look.
How to get over a painful breakup so you can move towards your goal
Any type of separation is hard. I have so many people contacting me on a daily basis asking, “Why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it” and how how to ease the pain of a breakup. I know how hard it can be to see the light of the end of the tunnel when you’re in the thick of it, but believe me when I say that this pain is temporary and that you are in control of more than you might realize.
Right now you’re having to digest the fact that you’re losing your dreams for the future with this person. As a result, your identity is thrown off balance because you’ve been associating who you are with the relationship that you’ve just lost.
When it comes to how to stop hurting after a breakup, the absolute best way is to be active. Don’t allow yourself to mope around by yourself at home, watching 7 episodes of a show on Netflix, feeling sorry for yourself. The more active you are, the faster you are going to heal.
Not only are you taking matters into your own hands and showing yourself that you’re capable of moving towards happiness again, you will be switching up your routine and therefore thinking less about your ex, and you can start prioritizing personal growth so that you can bounce back.
The key for healing from a bad breakup
Looking forward and carving the way towards a happier future is key and it is in your power. The fact of the matter is that it’s easy to let yourself slip into post-breakup depression, and this isn’t going to get you anywhere. Instead, you’ve got to focus on growth, evolution, healing, and finding your sense of inner peace again. All of these things are in your hands!
So many people think that they can’t be happy without their significant other, but that’s just flirting with emotional dependency – which incidentally is one of the biggest relationship killers known to mankind. The one way to ensure that you will be happy in the future (on your own AND in a relationship) is to guard against emotional dependency and ensure that you are living a life that makes you feel fulfilled.
The very first step towards that goal is get yourself busy. The pain of breaking up will instantly be eased when you get out there and start filling your schedule with new things. Think about what you’ve always wanted to try (yoga, rock climbing, salsa dancing, pottery, learning a new language, taking an evening class, boxing etc), and carve out time to do it!
Breakup pain unbearable? Try physical exercise
Another one of the absolute best ways to ease breakup pain is to get physically active. Again, at this point in time your brain is suffering from a lack of serotonin and dopamine, so your endorphin levels are quite low. Physical activity gets your body to produce more endorphins, and will give you more energy.
The result is that your serotonin, dopamine and endorphin levels will pick back up, and you’ll have more energy to continue filling your schedule with things that bring you joy. What’s more, physical exercise will start to boost your self confidence because you’ll be seeing physical changes as well.
The key is to stay busy and start setting goals for yourself.
Breakups hurt so start focusing on goals
The best way to bounce back from the pain of a breakup is to have a clear plan. If you can sit down and set goals for yourself about how you want to fill up your schedule, you can make sure that you’re on track towards healing.
Staying busy means doing productive things on a daily basis. Give yourself short term and long term goals.
For example, think about where you would like to be professionally one year from now. So where do you need to be six months from now? So what can you start doing this week to make sure you’ll be where you need to be two months from now? Forward thinking will help you to get out of the rut you’re in right now.
In terms of short term goals, think about what things you can do that will immediately benefit you. For example, reorganizing your space. Not only will this make you feel better because things will feel fresh again, you won’t be confronted with things that remind you of your ex all the time.
Now is the ideal time to start thinking about how you’re going to transform your life into something better than ever before, and we are here to help you every step of the way. Please don’t hesitate to reach out or to leave your questions in the comments section below!
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know why why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it
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Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!