I often receive calls from clients telling me that they not only were broken up with by the person they love, they were also cheated on, and to top it all off, their ex is now in a relationship with the person they cheated with! It’s like punch after punch, and unfortunately, you have found yourself in this situation as well. Whether your ex left you for this person or wound up with them after they cheated on you and left the relationship, it hurts. You don’t know what to do and you’re feeling angry and lost.
Fortunately, you have found a website that is teeming with information on how to get through this and turn this thing around. Rest assured, if you’re thinking, “He cheated on me and left me for her,” or “My ex is with the woman he cheated on me with but I want him back,” you are in the right place…
My ex left me for someone else: Dissecting the situation
Before we dive in, I want to take a moment to zoom out and take an overhead view of the situation. It’s important to keep in mind that you are both suffering right now. It’s easy to think that things are just peachy for your ex because he’s with someone new now, but in my experience as a coach I’ve seen that the person who cheated experience the weight of guilt that can be equal if not greater to the pain that you’re experiencing right now.
That said, you need to be careful with making excuses for your ex. The fact of the matter is that they betrayed your trust and you need to ensure that this doesn’t happen again in the future if you want a relationship that’s going to withstand the test of time.
He cheated on me and left me for her: Understanding the difference between understanding and making excuses
When your heart is broken, it’s easy to put someone on a pedestal and fixate on how much you miss them. There is a defense mechanism that I often notice… Sometimes people will try to take the blame for their current situations simply because it makes it easier.
They think that if they were the root of the problem, then they can be the solution as well.The problem with this is that it puts you in a position of weakness in the power play between you and your ex. You’re going to feel guilty and responsible, when relationships are in fact a two-way road.
Yes, there are things that you could have done differently, and there are things that you can change now (we will go over this momentarily), but you and your ex were a team that should have been active on both sides in terms of problem solving and prevention.
So, it’s crucial to understand the root of the problem, but you must guard against blaming yourself unnecessarily.
He cheated and chose her: Why?
The thought has most likely been keeping you up at night, and you’re wondering how he could do this to do. You’re thinking, “He dumped me for someone else and I just can’t believe it.” Unfortunately people often get frustrated with themselves for not seeing it coming, or not guarding against it, but I want to remind you that there is a silver lining here.
You might not feel like this is true right now, but in my experience with my clients who have gotten back together following infidelity, this trying experience served as a catalyst for a very important shift in the dynamic between them, and they wound up having a relationship that was better than ever.
So if he cheated and chose her, there is something fundamental that we need to look at. The fact of the matter is that if a person chose to look outside of a relationship for something they needed, it means that something was missing in their current relationship.
Were you nourishing it, and were you catering to your ex partner? Did he or she feel loved and desired by you? Or can you honestly say that perhaps you had neglected them and they were in need of some attention?
He left me for another woman: Analyzing the reasons why
Oftentimes, a person cheats simply because there is something missing in their relationship. It can be physical but it can also be emotional. Sometimes a person that cheats needs affection or attention and will turn to someone else if they are not getting it in their current relationship… It can simply be because they weren’t being given what they need on an emotional, intellectual, and/or physically intimate level.
If you can confidently say that you were providing these elements to your ex, then they the problem related to their infidelity is much deeper…
I worked with someone recently who was cheated on by his ex girlfriend, who then ended up getting in a relationship with the man she had cheated with. After doing a bit of digging, I came to understand that this girl had been seriously hurt in the past, and cheating on her partner was a way of protecting herself from getting too invested and risking getting hurt in the future.
Sadly, the one who ends up suffering the most is you. So what can we do when you’re thinking, “My ex cheated on me with someone and is now with them”?
They left me for someone else: What do to
Instead of trying to justify or making excuses for what your ex did, or making mistakes like begging and pleading with them to take you back, we need to switch the focus. At the end of the day, we need to keep in mind that your ex did not leave you for someone else; they left the relationship with you because they didn’t trust in your ability to make them happy in the long run.
If they truly did, you would not be in this situation right now. That said, you can still turn things around by focusing on the right things and creating an action plan.
He left me for her: Be careful with comparing and competing
When you’re feeling hurt and vulnerable, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to the new person. Whether it’s physically or mentally, you might even find yourself thinking things like, “
Maybe they’re way better suited for one another because they haven’t even known each other for that long and they’re already together!”
I can tell you right now that pessimistic or defeatist behavior is not going to get you very far. At this moment, you need to focus on what you are in control of: Your own actions.
You have the right to be upset, but I want you to use it as fuel now. The goal is now to focus solely on yourself and the improvements you are going to make from here on out…
She cheated on me and left me for him: Personal development is key now
So this breakup and subsequent situation has brought some things to light. Take some time now to really think about what areas in your relationship were lacking. Did you allow yourselves to fall into a routine? Then get out there are start getting involved in new activities that keep your schedule full and fun. Did you stop taking care of yourself physically speaking? Then start getting active at the gym or switch up your work out routine with new ways of exercising like yoga or swimming.
Were you emotionally dependent on your ex? Prioritize boosting your self confidence by trying out boxing or public speaking classes. Give yourself new challenges and put yourself in situations where you know you can shine. If you know that you happen to be talented at painting, check out a wine and paint night in your city. Meet new people, do something that you enjoy, and switch things up.
He left me for another girl…
Right now the absolute most important thing is that you become proud of the person that you are. There should be no competition with your ex’s new partner. He or she has nothing to do with this.
If you do not get these spiraling emotions under control, your ex is going to see their new partner as a better option simply because she is going to be more secure. Put yourself in your ex’s shoes. He’s not going to want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem like she could offer him a serene and positive relationship.
You must guard against competing with another woman for attention from your ex.
The new and improved you is what is going to attract your ex back; not your attempts to pry him out of his new girlfriend’s arms.
I like to remind my clients that they are more in control of the situation than they might realize, and the same goes for you! Do not underestimate your power in getting the results you want! You just need to be strict, patient, motivated, and persevere! Focus on nobody but yourself, and big things will start to happen! If you want to know more about how to get an ex back from someone else or what to do if your ex got back with their ex, just click the links!
As always, we are here to help so don’t hesitate to reach out.
Your coach when “He cheated on me and left me for her”