I was recently contacted by a client who was asking if I’d be able to help her figure out what to do about the fact that she couldn’t get over her ex. They had been broken up for a year and a half and she was still totally in love with him. She wasn’t sure if it was “normal” to still feel this way after so long, and she wasn’t sure of the best way to handle the situation. So we worked together on figuring out where these feelings were coming from and what she was willing to do about them!
Because this is such a common topic, I wanted to dedicate another article to it today. I’m going to go over why these feelings for your ex have not gone away, and the options that are available to you. As we are a team of coaches specialized in getting people back together, I will include a section on how to get your ex back if that is what you know you want to do! So let’s jump in.
How come I can’t get over my ex after all this time?
The emotions that we develop in a relationship can become so deeply embedded in us. They don’t just evaporate overnight – especially when the breakup was a painful one. The pain that we experience during a breakup is comparable to what we feel when we lose a loved one. It is in essence the process of mourning the death of your hopes and dreams for a future with someone.
So, don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re thinking, “I can’t get over my ex,” or even “Is it normal to still love my ex”. Getting over someone takes time. It really does.
I understand how frustrating it can be because you feel like you can’t keep this person out of your thoughts and each time they pop up in your mind, you’re left feeling heartbroken all over again. But I have good news for you – you are in control of more than you might realize and you can change this.
When you’re thinking “Why can’t I get over my ex,” think about this
If it’s been a really long time since your breakup, the most important thing to keep in mind when you’re thinking, “Why can’t I get over my ex” is that there is a lack of happiness somewhere in your life right now. It’s not uncommon to still love someone, but if more than a year has passed and you’re still suffering because of your breakup with this person, it means that you are not generating enough happiness in your daily life.
It’s normal to miss someone, but if it’s hindering your happiness on a regular basis, it’s going to be important that you start making some changes.
There is an exercise we do with people who come to us saying, “I can’t get over my ex girlfriend or boyfriend,” and I encourage you to give it a shot as well. Start writing out a comprehensive list of how you spend your time. Be as detailed with this as possible. Start with how you begin your day when you wake up and brush your teeth. Write out your routine for the entire week!
The point of doing this is to help you pinpoint where the triggers are coming from and what areas of your life are lacking in joy. What are the things that you have to modify?
If you can start incorporating things that you’re genuinely proud of in your life, your mindset is going to shift and you will stop fixating as much on the fact that you’re still not over your ex. In fact, by changing your day to day life, you can begin to help yourself start to get over your ex (and no, this doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to get them back!)
Thinking “I can’t get over my ex” is a roadblock
If you allow yourself to think that you can never be happy without your ex, you’re going to ensure that you’re never happy without him or her. But if you can generate more happiness and do things that genuinely make you proud, you’ll start to see that your heartbreak is going to fade away.
Once the pain of the breakup begins to subside, it will become considerably easier to pinpoint how exactly you should proceed. When you’re coming from a place of deep sadness, it’s hard to see things clearly. For a lot of people, their exes were their comfort zones and when they were forced out of their comfort zone, they just want to get back into the relationship again to stop feeling the heartbreak.
The problem with these situations is that very often, decisions are made out of emotional dependency. However, if a person is able to take charge of their life and of their happiness, they can take an objective look at the situation and properly analyze the relationship with their ex. This way, instead of thinking, “I can’t get over my ex and I don’t know if I should try and get them back or not,” they can think, “I am happy in my life now, so would being with my ex bring added value or not?”
In other words, they make sure that their happiness does not depend on their ex and this is one of the keys to developing long lasting, stable and healthy relationships that withstand the test of time (whether it’s with an ex or not!)
Another thing to keep in mind is that if you are not in the right mindset, it’s going to be close to impossible to get your ex back. People are attracted to people that love the life that they’re living! If your ex decides to get back together with you, it’ll be because they recognized that they could experience something new and positive with you. They’re not going to want to get back into the same exact relationship you had before, because you both already know how that ended.
How to get over someone via introspection
I encourage you to really use the tool I spoke about above to your advantage. Look at your life and identify where you are experiencing a lack of happiness and fulfillment.
Is it your job? Would you like to be doing something else?
Are you getting enough physical exercise?
Are you spending enough time with your friends and family members that make you happy?
Do you feel like you’re doing things that have a positive impact on others?
Are you getting enough mental stimulation? Have you been making time to read or listen to podcasts?
There are so many things that you can be doing to fill up your schedule with things that bring more joy into your life, and now is the ideal time to start focusing on these things! The more you can replace unhappy experiences with happy ones, the more your heartbreak is going to heal.
So when you’re not over an ex, it’s not about the situation between the two of you; it’s about how you’re feeling in your own life, and you are entirely in control of that.
Now, when it comes to getting back together with someone once you’ve decided that that is the route you want to take, there are various tools that are going to help you reach this goal. I highly encourage you get in touch with me or a member of my team for one on one guidance, especially if a long time has passed since you broke up.
If it has not been that long since your breakup and you’re thinking “I can’t get over him or her,” I recommend reading this article on the no contact rule. It is one of the most powerful tools available to anyone who wants to get their ex back. This article is coming to an end, but you’re in the right place to find everything you need to know about how to get back together with an ex. There are techniques like the handwritten letter, and our audio seminars to help you reach your goal.
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I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love
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Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!