In today’s article, I am going to go over the do’s and don’ts of this type of situation, and the best way to get closer to your goal of making peace with the person you want to be with. This is a crucial step towards eventually restoring the relationship between you, so you’ve got to be careful with avoiding making mistakes.
As always, if you have any questions at all, please don’t hesitate to write it in the comment section below or get in touch with us directly here !
Why it’s so important to make amends when you hurt someone
For some people, there is nothing more natural than to apologize when they realize that they’ve done something wrong. For others, however, there are some things that get in the way of doing that. Things like pride, embarrassment, or even denial can keep a person from trying to make amends with the person they hurt.
When you hurt someone, that person’s perception of you changes. They can feel disrespected by you, unimportant to you, and they might just feel that you’re not on the same wavelength so there’s no reason for them to invest in you anymore. Depending on what happened between you, this person’s trust in you might be seriously broken.
If you want to move past this period and eventually rebuild a solid relationship between you, the issue is going to have to be addressed. You can’t gloss over a serious issue and hope that your ex will just forget about it. Sweeping it under the rug doesn’t make it go away. In fact, if it remains unaddressed, it can give rise to a deep sense of resentment towards you in your ex. This resentment will make it much harder for you to break down his or her walls and build a healthy relationship again.
I work with a lot of people who had trouble saying sorry. They know that they did something wrong, but they struggle with admitting it to their ex. This is common when a person has pride issues, but also when they feel that their ex has hurt them in the past before as well and didn’t apologize or try to make amends.
It boils down to pride on both sides, but I want you to understand that if you’re going to establish a fulfilling relationship that withstands the test of time, making peace with this person is essential.
You want them to understand that you respect them, that they can trust you, that you are not selfish or prideful, and that you have the best interests of the relationship in mind.
Apologizing to an ex: What to be careful with…
Before we dive into the “how to’s”, there is one more thing I want to bring your attention to. In all my years as a coach specialized in love and relationships, there is a common phenomenon that I’ve seen in people who want their exes back.
They’ll try to take the blame for the entire situation. I want to warn you against doing this, because it is sometimes a coping mechanism. Sometimes a person will be inclined to think that they should take blame for the entire situation, not because it’s actually their fault, but because it puts them back in control of the situation.
If they are the root of the problem, then they can fix the problem and change the situation.
Sure, none of us are perfect, but I don’t want you to take all the blame for the situation if you are not the root.
I recently worked with a client, Carlie, who contacted me for help in making amends with her ex boyfriend. They had been dating for a few years and they broke up because of a few different reasons, one of which was lack of proper communication.
Long story short, she asked me for help in making him understand that she was truly sorry, but I also saw that she was handing all of the power over to him. In discussing their situation, I saw that she wasn’t the root of all the problems, but she was trying to take responsibility for it all. Like I just said, some people unwittingly do this because it makes them feel like they’re in control of the situation.
In working with her, we dissected what she could have done differently in the relationship and worked on finding solutions. I also helped her to understand that she is only in control of her own actions and should not take responsibility for her ex’s behavior.
Keep in mind that this is a two way road and the meaning of amends is that you both make peace.
Keeping your eyes open and being honest with yourself about the entire situation is crucial. When you want to get back together with someone, you are going to have to work on forgiving one another for the past, define long term, concrete solutions, and work together to develop an entirely new relationship.
So this brings us to how to make amends with an ex…
How to make amends with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend
One of the absolute best tools for making amends with someone is the handwritten letter. If you’re familiar with our philosophy, you’ve probably already heard about it!
When we’ve gone through a breakup and we’re hurt, or we are feeling guilty about something we did, our emotions are all over the place. As of right now, all you want is to make peace with your ex, but you’re realizing that that’s hard to do…
He or she doesn’t want to hear it, you can’t get the words out right, and it feels like each time you try to approach the subject, it seems like it makes matters worse. It’s normal for tensions to be running high right now, but it means that you’re going to have to take a step back from the situation. Now is the time to give your ex some time and space so that both of your emotions can calm down. When a person is upset, they aren’t going to be as receptive to hearing you out – even if you’re trying to make amends with them.
Similarly, sometimes their pride keeps them from listening to you or giving you the time of day.
Here is where the letter comes into play.
When it comes to how to apologize to an ex, this is one of the absolute most powerful things you could possibly do. Writing an apology letter to the person you love allows you to
– Give him or her the time and space they need to work through their emotions
– Let the tensions between you cool down
– Organize your thoughts
– Come up with applicable solutions
– Present your point in a clear and organized way (and ensure that you aren’t interrupted)
Writing a letter to your ex is a non aggressive way to get them to hear you out. They can read it when they choose to, and they won’t feel like they’re being forced to do anything.
When you’re writing this letter, I’d like you to keep a few things in mind.
Don’t write five pages about how sad you are and how much you miss your ex. Your emotions on the subject should be mentioned, yes, but it should not be the focal point. Right now, your ex doesn’t want to hear it and you most certainly don’t want to make it look like you’re throwing yourself a pity party!
Instead, think about including these elements:
1. How you’ve recognized your own shortcomings
2. Thanking her for helping you recognize them
3. Apologizing for not recognizing them in the relationship
4. The fact that now you understand and you are currently working on rectifying them
5. Communicating how you’re making longterm improvements and finding solutions
Each situation is of course unique, so like I said, please don’t hesitate for help with making amends with the person you love.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach for knowing how to make amends with an ex
Adrian
