Some breakups can turn into war. There are people that can’t get along even after they’ve separated, and there can sometimes be even more tension than when they were still together. The breakup can conjure up issues and bitterness, and now that the gloves are off you and your ex aren’t holding back. You are both unleashing everything you’ve ever wanted to say to one another, and the situation is becoming unbearable for you as well as for other people. I’m referring to people that have roommates, children, or friends in common.
In this article, I’d like to discuss the types of relationships a person can have with their ex, when they aren’t necessarily trying to get back together. In the beginning of my career, I worked mainly with men and women that wanted to get back together with their exes, but as I gained more and more experience, I began working with people that didn’t want to be with their exes again; they just wanted to learn how to get along. These people had started a new life with someone else and didn’t miss their ex; they just didn’t want to have to live with the mentality that an ex has to be an enemy or a stranger.
Saying I am on good terms with my ex is completely natural despite what a lot of people might think. For work or family related reasons, or emotional reasons, being in conflict with the person you used to share your life with doesn’t make sense.
Why should I have a good relationship with my ex?
As I had mentioned above, you might find yourself in a situation that requires you to get along with your ex. Whatever the reason may be, this is important because you never know when you might need someone, even if it’s your ex.
For the good of the kids, you can’t keep acting as if you two were at war. You have to respect one another and you have to stop fighting. I’m not saying that you have to start kissing in front of your children and pretend like you’re madly in love… But I know that some divorced couples won’t even speak to each other anymore. You have to make an effort for your kids. This is your duty as a parent and just a cordial relationship with your ex would suffice. And I know that deep down, you don’t want to be in conflict with this person. You just want to move forward.
There’s another situation that requires a person to be on good terms with their ex. Sometimes despite a separation, two people still live under the same roof. You’ve had no choice but to become roommates, and tensions are high. It’s not easy to figure out a different living situation. It’s expensive, it takes time, and you don’t always have the means to do so, so you’ve got to live together for a few months. In order to make the situation easier to handle, it will require a few sacrifices. I’ll expand on this subject in the next part of this article.
If you don’t want to get back together (which is perfectly normal and no one can force you to do so,) and you prefer to turn the page, or get over a breakup, you’re going to have to avoid provoking conflicts. Separating from a person doesn’t automatically mean that you’re no longer going to fight. In my humble opinion, being in constant conflict with the person you loved for months or years can be incredibly painful and often results in regret. Just like you, I’ve seen a lot of romantic comedies in which the actors do just the opposite and laugh at the separation and the fact that they’re still living together with their ex. In reality, this type of behavior is completely useless, and it’s actually possible to remain close with an ex…
Tips to finally say I am on good terms with my ex
The first step consists of wanting to get along with your ex. It’s very important that you don’t feel forced to do so because this is a surefire way to fail!
Of course the separation was tough and you’re not having fun right now, but if you want to be on good terms with your ex, you’re going to have to invest yourself. The moment you make the first step, you show your determination and you’re going to start feeling better. This is exactly what we want! When you take a step towards your ex, it’s more than likely that they’re going to do the same.
As I was explaining above, this isn’t really an article on how to get your ex back. I’m writing this for people that want to improve their relationship with their ex in a platonic way. You’re not going to need a strategy based on romance in which you show your ex how much you miss them. You’re not going to have to move heaven and earth… You’re going to ease the tension simply by doing little things every day.
When you are making coffee in the morning, nothing’s stopping you from making one for your ex as well. This is an example of something that a person in one of my workshops did, and it went well. Don’t go grocery shopping only for yourself, don’t cook only for yourself, and even if you’re suffering, remember that the goal is simply to give your ex a better image and to have better reactions.
When you have a family, you have to think of your children first especially if they’re too young to fully understand what’s going on. Continue doing activities as a family, and take walks in the park or go to the movies. You can explain the situation to them once the time is right. Sometimes affinity between you and your ex is still present. When you have older kids, it’s important to not be closed off and silent. Ask them about their studies, school, vacation…and don’t just drop them off that your ex’s and leave immediately.
Your coach for getting along with your ex