You and your ex boyfriend or girlfriend have broken up, but you’ve come to realize that you still want to be with this person. Whether they were the one that pulled the plug on this relationship or if it was you, you’re wondering how you can express your feelings to your ex in the best way possible. You’re also wondering what the best move is if you want to get back together. There are so many tools available to you in this process, and you know how important communication is in a relationship between two people.
You’ve probably also heard of some of the techniques like the handwritten letter or the no contact rule, and now you’re wondering which one is going to benefit you most. Should you give your ex an electroshock by implying the no contact rule, or should you clearly present what you’re trying to say in a well thought out, handwritten letter? Should you talk to your ex and tell them how you feel on the phone?
The truth of the matter is that each situation is different, so I cannot give you one-size-fits-all advice. What I can do however, is explain to you the pros and cons of each approach so that you can choose which one is best suited for your specific situation!
Should you talk to your ex or use the NC Rule?
When you want a person back, one of the most powerful tools at your disposal is the No Contact Rule, aka Radio Silence. To summarize, this tool consists of cutting communication with your ex for a period of three weeks to three months, depending on your breakup.
The goal of doing so is to give your ex an electroshock, but also to give you the opportunity to bounce back and make a stronger comeback.
During this period, it is actually crucial that you work hard to fight the temptation to talk to your ex or to respond to his or her messages when you receive them. While you’re in this period, the goal is the focus all of your energy on yourself. In fact, it’s time to become selfish!
What are the things that got put on the back burner while you were in this relationship? What hobbies and passions did you lose sight of if and when this relationship became the center of your universe? Which friends and family members did you stop spending time with? Did you stop focusing on your personal and professional goals?
Now is the time to start prioritizing these things again! At the same time, the key is to introduce all kinds of new elements in your life that make you happy as well. Think about trying out new activities that you’ve always wanted to try. Check out new restaurants with your friends, go on weekend trips, and discover new spots in your city.
It’s tempting to stay holed up at home right now, but challenge yourself and you’ll see that it will help considerably. Getting out and doing new things, changing your surroundings, and spending time with people that make you happy will do wonders.
Think about getting physically active or switching up your workout routine. Your self confidence will get a boost and the serotonin and endorphins your body releases will make you happier while giving you more energy.
At this stage, talking to your ex might not be the most powerful thing you can do. Time is needed for changes and improvements to be made. Breakups happen for a reason, and if you are no longer with this person, it means that something wasn’t working.
That said, you cannot expect to invite your ex into the same exact relationship because both of you know how that ended. You’re going to have to be able to propose and entirely new one with a solid foundation.
It’s tempting to want to call him or her up and profess your undying love and your desire to still be together, but given the current circumstances that would not be ideal. People run into trouble at this stage because they end up acting clingy, needy, or even desperate. Trust me, this isn’t something that an ex responds positively to – especially when tensions are already running high as a result of the breakup!
Using the NC Rule is ideal when you need to hit the reset button after a breakup. If the breakup is fresh or if things have gotten messy between you, this tool can help you turn things around. Time and space is needed to redefine things and present yourself in a different light. It’s also important to note that time is needed in order for your changes to be credible.
Your ex is not going to believe that you’ve become a new and improved version of yourself overnight. You have to be very careful with not making empty promises to your ex. If you want them back, they’ll need to see concrete evidence that you’ve made changes and improvements in your personal life and that they could be so happy by your side.
By using NC instead of speaking to your ex, their curiosity will be sparked. They’ll realize that your universe does not revolve around them, that you are not at their beck and call, and that maybe they took you for granted. As time goes on, they’ll want more and more to get in contact with you – ESPECIALLY if they see that you’re becoming the 2.0 version of yourself.
They’ll remember the person that they fell in love with in the first place and realize that you are now the new and improved version. That sounds pretty irresistible to me, no?
Talking to your ex via the handwritten letter
Once you’ve worked on personal development and wellbeing in your personal life, it’s time to start thinking about the best way to start talking to your ex.
After you’ve done the work to make serious improvements in your life, and especially if your ex is resentful and tensions are high between you, a handwritten letter can be the perfect tool for you.
Not only does it allow you to take the time to present your thoughts exactly how you want without being interrupted or thrown off course, it is a nonaggressive way to get back in touch with your ex. As you know, communication is key to getting back together and you’re going to have to reestablish communication at some point (especially if you’ve been using the no contact rule).
It allows you to structure your thoughts, and communicate that this time and distance has allowed you to understand and rectify certain things, you’ve been able to define long term solutions, and you are genuine and honest in your approach.
A letter is an amazing tool for rebuilding a healthy communication platform. That said, it doesn’t always have to be a letter. You can reach out via text, or even calling them up if you’re already in touch. If you’re able to properly communicate with this person, you don’t necessarily have to write everything out in a letter. Sometimes a letter can be too dramatic when you’re already in contact.
Sometimes it’s better to reach out in a more informal way and make them laugh and smile. You don’t necessarily have to dive into the emotions, the drama, the situation, the heartbreak, and your desire to rebuild something together.
Reestablishing a friendly dialogue can be perfect.
When you want to talk to an ex and you know that the time is right, you have to choose the tool that is most appropriate for your situation. If you have any doubts, please don’t hesitate to leave your question in the comments section below or reach out to us here.
Make sure that you choose a method that reflects who you are and a method that would resonate with your ex. Don’t choose a method that has no chance of connecting with the person you love. It’s about understanding this person and using the fact that you know them to help you choose the right approach.
At the end of the day it’s about your state of mind when you’re attempting to get back together with your ex. It’s about what you’ve learned, how you’ve grown, and how you can use this to make your future better, and how you can use this to build a relationship with this person that will get through obstacles and withstand the test of time.
For more information on how to get back together with your ex, just click here!
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you’re wondering about talking to an ex