As you may or may not know, our team of love and relationship experts have a YouTube Channel called Love Advice TV, and one of the most common questions I’ve seen in the comments section below our videos is whether or not it’s ok to be friends with an ex if you’re trying to get them back. Is it a good idea to keep in touch? One of the main concerns is of course that you don’t want to just become one of your ex’s buddy ‘ol pals! You want to be romantically involved with this person… So is it ok to be friends with your ex if this is your goal, or is there a better way to reach your goal? What do you do when your ex tells you that you can still be friends? How do you steer clear of being “just friends” or even friends with benefits? I wanted to write this article for you today so that I could go over how to handle this situation in the best way so that you can get your ex back into your arms as soon as possible!
It’s a tricky thing to navigate, but by the time to you get to the end of this article, you’re going to have a better idea of how to approach the situation. The process of getting an ex back isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but if you’re willing to be patient and motivated, you’ll start seeing the results you want. So without further ado, let’s take a look at whether or not you should be friends with your ex!
Should you be friends with your ex if you still want to be with this person?
I’d like to start things off by saying that every single situation and every single relationship are entirely unique. My goal is to provide you with tips that apply to your specific situation, so it’s up to you to take a step back and analyze your current dynamic with your ex. As we delve deeper into the topic, you’ll begin to see how the answer to this question will vary depending on your situation.
In speaking to my clients, I’ve noticed that a lot of people just don’t want any form of friendship with their ex. They want it to be all or nothing. Either they’re not together, or they’re together; they don’t want anything that feels like “the in between.” This often results in them giving their ex an ultimatum.
Giving a partner usually will make them choose the option you don’t want: being nothing. What’s more, it highlights a desperation on your part to maintain your romantic relationship with them. It shows them quite clearly that you’re not doing well and that you are not happy. An important thing to bear in mind when you’e working on getting back together with an ex is that you’ve got to inspire them to want to be your partner once again.
This does not happen by appearing desperate in any way!
So what should you do when it comes to staying friends with your ex?
What exactly do you do if they come to you say, “Hey, I still want us to be friends?” My advice in this situation is to agree to it, but then to implement a light version of the no contact rule. What I mean by this is simple: Once you’ve made the necessary changes and feel grounded once again, you can reach out and suggest catching up over coffee. That way, you can use this “friendship” as an opportunity to showcase your change. The goal of course is to reignite the chemistry that brought you together in the first place.
But can you still be friends with your ex if you know that you’ve already made some mistakes? Perhaps you’ve begged and pleaded with your ex to give your relationship a second chance, or perhaps you’ve even told them that you don’t want to be their friend. When these types of things happen, it generally means that you’re still feeling very vulnerable and that the breakup was a huge blow.
It’s true that a breakup can hit you with a storm of emotions that can make it very hard to develop and maintain a platonic person with the person you still love with all your heart. It can be tempting to want to be friends with an ex simply because you’re terrified of being without them, but if you can take a step back and recognize that you are not actually ready to do this yet, it’s very important that you take a step back and switch your focus to taking care of yourself and focusing on personal development.
Remember, you want to be in a good place before you start trying to get close to your ex again – especially if you want to get back together!
Think about it this way: If you know that you’re going to break down, get jealous, cry, beg, plead, or be clingy with your ex right now, then being friends is not a good idea. That does not mean that that cannot change! It’s just crucial that you are honest with yourself so that you can determine the absolute best plan of action.
It’s normal to want to jump the gun when you want someone back, but rushing things can cause more damage than good. You want to make sure that you’re in a good frame of mind and that you’re feeling emotionally independent before you work on fostering a friendship with your ex partner.
If you are still feeling vulnerable, entering a period of no contact is ideal. Once you do this, you’ll be ready to get closer to your ex again and do it with confidence! This is when you can rebuild a bridge to communication so that you can showcase the 2.0 version of yourself.
Being friends with an ex is a good idea when…
As I began explaining, remaining friends with your ex is a fantastic tool when you’ve done the work you needed to do. A breakup leaves us feeling hurt and broken, and it highlights things that need to change. When you use this as an opportunity to zero in on what kind of evolution and what kind of improvements you need to incorporate into your life, you can make a powerful comeback.
The key of course is to be proactive. These changes don’t happen on their own and it’s crucial to understand that they don’t happen overnight. If you want your ex to see you as a potential partner again, you need to be able to show them that you’ve learned and grown from this breakup, and that you are better than ever before. Furthermore, time is needed. You can’t go to your ex one week after the breakup and tell them that you’ve understood and fixed everything that needed to be fixed.
These things don’t happen overnight and you will not be credible in your ex’s eyes.
That said, if you’re able to revamp your life and become the new and improved version of yourself, you can start to develop a friendship with your ex and use it as a tool to showcase the new and improved you.
I also want to bring your attention to a common phenomenon that I see in these types of situations.
Oftentimes the reason an ex proposes being friends is that they want to soften the blow of the breakup, but it’s also often because they want to keep the door open. More often than not, that love and affection is all still there, but buried underneath the pain and frustration that comes along with the breakup.
If you’re able to foster and build a friendship with your ex, you can start to make them realize that the complicity is still there. You two still have fun together, you’ve learned a lot of things from this breakup and you’ve used it to better your life, which in turn will make you a better partner… If you’re able to remind your ex of the person they fell in love with in the first place but present them with a new and improved version, you can become quite irresistible in their eyes!
Another thing to keep in mind when you’re wondering about being friends with your ex is that an ex is going to take you back if they feel like the idea came from them – not the other way around. They need to come to the conclusion on their own that their life would be better if you were their partner. This does not happen by you begging and pleading and telling them that they’d be happy with you. It will happen through your concrete actions and how they see you living your life. Being friends with an ex presents a fantastic platform to do exactly this…
There is one specific situation in which staying friends with your ex can be a powerful tool that I wanted to mention. If your ex is in a new relationship and you want to get him or her back, being their friend ensures that you are still in their life and on their mind.
This is a tricky situation, so for more information on how to navigate, I encourage you to read this article on what to do if your ex is dating someone new!
As this article comes to a close, I want to let you know that you can get in touch with us right here for one on one guidance, and you can leave any questions you may have in the comments section below. It would be our pleasure to get back to you!
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you’re wondering, “Is it ok to be friends with your ex?”
Adrian
