I had a very interesting conversation with one of my clients, Anna, today. She was telling me the story of her relationship with her ex and how she was starting to get a sneaking suspicion that she was being used by him. I know you’re probably thinking he was using her for sex, but that’s not quite what was going on. You see, it was starting to come to light that her ex was using her for emotional support. There are different ways that an ex might be using you, and given the fact that you’ve just gone through a breakup and are feeling vulnerable, you are at high risk of being used.
Sometimes an ex doesn’t realize they’re doing it, and sometimes they do, but if you’re wondering “Is my ex using me,” then something needs to be cleared up. There must be a healthy amount of give and take between two people if they’re going to develop a healthy relationship together.
If you’re reading this article on this site right now, chances are that you’re hoping to get back together with your ex but you’re worried that he or she might be using you. I am going to share some indicators that you might be getting used by this person, and what you can do about it starting today!
Why am I seeing signs my ex is using me…
As human beings, we have very complex emotions.
Unfortunately, a very common characteristic is pushing boundaries and seeing how much we can get away with… this might be the case for your ex right now, who is trying to see how much he or she can get from you without having to fully commit.
There are a few different ways a person might try to use you.
It can be because you’re a natural giver, and they know they can rely on you for help, it might be because they know you still love them and would do anything for them, or it could be that they feel it’s easy to get sex from you.
The fact of the matter is that if your ex is using you, they’re continuing to do so because they’ve been allowed to.
I know that no one wants to hear this, but you must be careful with how much you tolerate because you are in essence teaching people how to treat you.
Your time is very precious, and if you’re realizing that this person is doing nothing but waste your time, something is going to have to change.
They might be the love of your love, but if you want a healthy, long lasting relationship that is going to withstand the test of time and make you feel fulfilled, this person can’t be using you.
As I stated above, it’s true that sometimes people don’t realize they’re doing it.
They might just have a habit of behaving a certain way with you, and they haven’t been able to snap out of it since you broke up.
That said, let’s take a look at the different ways an ex might use you.
The most common one is sex
The connection between you is still there, you start sleeping together, and you are thinking that this is what needed to happen for you too get back together just like that.
Unfortunately it didn’t happen and your ex seems to be stringing you along.
He or she might even be saying things like, ‘I’m not ready…”
You continue sleeping together and then you start feeling like your ex gets to have their cake and eat it too.
“How come they get to sleep with me but don’t want to commit to me?”
You’ll begin to wonder, “Is he over me and is just trying to get his kicks” or, “Is she seriously just using me for sex?”.
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out if you’re being used or if your ex actually wants you back. The
best way to figure out what’s going on here is to actually look at your ex’s words versus his or
her actions.
If they’re stringing you along by telling you what you want to hear, but shy away
from actually commitment, there is a high chance that you’re being used.
He has trouble being on their own after the relationship
Sometimes you’ll see signs your ex is using you because they are having trouble being on their own after the relationship.
You two had a routine, he or she knew that they could rely on you, and they always knew that they could turn to you for emotional support.
I remember coaching Andrew, whose girlfriend left him after a two year relationship. In two years, you can impinge how much they had shared.
They had moved in together, they were planning on buying a place together, they shared bills, they had a dog together, and they were used to doing everything together.
When the break up took place because of communication issues (Andrew was struggling with anger management and various insecurities), his ex had trouble transitioning from doing everything together to living as two, single adults.
She would turn to him for everything. The sprinklers were broken, so she’d call Andrew.
She had a hard day at work and couldn’t stand her boss, so she’d call Andrew.
Her parents were fighting again, so she’d call Andrew.
Andrew was always there for her of course because he loved her, but she had made it very clear that she didn’t want to be with him.
His girlfriend we using him for emotional support without realizing it, but it was becoming a burden to Andrew.
He didn’t know how to handle the situation because he wanted to be with her and he wanted to stay close, but he knew that the situation wasn’t ideal.
He didn’t wanted to be more to her, and that’s when he came to me for help with getting his ex girlfriend back.
He/she wants to get you on his side
I had another client recently who wrote, “My ex girlfriend wants to be friends but has a boyfriend.
That’s what she says, but I kind of feel like she’s keeping me on the side just in case she doesn’t want to continue being with her new guy. Am I being used??”.
This is something that happens rather often. This might be happening to you and you’re wondering if he or she is really over you or if they are still toying with the idea of being with you.
Whatever the case may be, there is one simple thing that you’re going to have to start doing if you want to be with this person again.
Chances are that right now, your ex has been giving you something to keep you hooked.
They might realize it, or they might not. When an ex is using you, their actions usually don’t match up to their words.
They might tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you close, but when it comes to being with you, they shy away and avoid the subject.
The key is to no longer allow this person to take advantage of you. You don’t want to become just a friend with benefits…
Is my ex using me? What do I do?
If you’re being used, it means you’re being taken advantage of and you’re being taken for granted.
As of right now, your ex doesn’t realize how good they have it.
They are in essence getting to have their cake and eat it too.
You’re still there for them whenever they need you, you might even be sleeping with them, but you aren’t getting what you want in return.
You want to be with this person and maybe you thought that making things easy on them was the best way to get them back, but the truth of the matter is that it’s not.
Now it’s time to turn the tables.
You want you ex to want to work hard to get your attention. You are no longer going to have him or her everything on a silver platter!
The most commonly used tool in this type of situation is the no contact rule. If you aren’t familiar with it, I recommend you click the link and start reading on how to use it.
It is one of the most powerful techniques used for getting an ex boyfriend or girlfriend back!
You want to inspire your ex to make an effort to try and be part of your life as your partner.
You want to show them that your life looks like it would be fun and that he or she is missing out by not being with you!
You know, when you hand everything to someone without presenting any type of challenge, you aren’t as enticing.
Unfortunately, this is how human nature works. The more challenging something is to attain, the more we value it.
As each situation is entirely unique, I encourage you to reach out to us directly so that we can design the perfect plan of action to get you back together with the one you love, and make him or her understand that they cannot use you.
We are always here to help so don’t hesitate to leave your question in the comments section below!
Wishing you all the best,
Your coach when you’re wondering, “Is my ex using me?”
Adrian
