There are a couple different reasons why an ex might try to guilt trip you after a breakup, but how are you supposed to respond? Is there anything you can do to make them stop doing it, and what does it mean in terms of how they feel about you? If your ex wants you back, could this type of behavior be considered a red flag? It’s tough to figure how to navigate a situation in which your ex is making you feel guilty about the breakup. Perhaps the relationship ended because of you, and perhaps you weren’t the only one at fault, but now you’re in a situation in which you’re trying to figure out how to respond to guilt trips from your ex.
That is why I wanted to write this article on how to handle the situation, especially when you are considering getting back together with your ex. I’ll begin by going over why your ex might be doing this right now, and then we will explore what exactly you can do about it! So without further ado, let’s dive right in!
Why are you being guilt tripped by your ex?
In my experience as a coach specialized in love and relationships, I’ve noticed a few recurring reasons for ex partners guilt tripping someone.
The first is when they’re feeling hurt by the breakup and want to find a way to make sure that their ex feels some form of pain as well. This is more common when you’re the one who decided to end the relationship. Your ex might be trying to make you feel bad about breaking their heart and causing them pain. They want to give you a taste of your own medicine.
The second, which is going to be the theme of this article, is when an ex wants you back and is going about it by trying to make you feel guilty for living your life without them.
Your ex might be thinking that this is a surefire way to make you go back to them. After all, if they can make you regret making them feel bad then you might come back, right?
The problem is that getting back together out of guilt or pity isn’t going to create a solid foundation for a relationship with this person.
Continually dealing with guilt trips from your ex will lead to cracks in your foundation if you choose to get back together. In order to form a solid relationship in the future, you both have to feel supported by one another. You have to feel like a team. Guilt trips are aimed to tap into your insecurities, and your ex knows how to get a reaction from you.
They might say things like, “I don’t understand how you could hurt me so badly after how much I did for you,” or “I was planning on proposing to you but you chose to leave.” A person will try to guilt trip someone because they want a specific reaction – in this case your ex is trying to make you crawl back to them.
This is a form of manipulation, and if you want a healthy relationship with your ex, you’re going to have to make it stop. From here on out, there should be no more manipulation of any sort.
Recognizing manipulative behavior in an ex partner
Before we dive into what you should do in this situation, let’s take a moment to determine whether or not your ex is being manipulative or if they’re inadvertently making you feel guilty because they’re hurting after the breakup. Sometimes their behavior is vindictive, but sometimes it’s just their way of handling things.
So what are the biggest signs of a manipulative personality?
- Makes you feel like you can never do anything right
Your ex is hot and cold, and the result is that now you subconsciously feel like you need to impress them so that you can get more positive behavior from them. You feel like you’re always disappointing them somehow. It could be as simple as you offering to make dinner the next time you are to meet up, and the type of wine you got “is totally wrong” for the dinner you prepared.
You might be a in bad mood one day but it becomes about them – “Why do you have to be all pouty when you and I are hanging out. You always do this!”
A person will do this if they’re trying to change you, whether its subconscious or not. Keep an eye out for this type of behavior in the person you’re considering being with again, because they should be able to accept you for who you are.
- Won’t take responsibility for their actions
A biggest indicator of manipulation is when a person is able to twist and spin things around so that their mistake becomes your fault. Instead feeling guilty about what they’ve done wrong, they’ll turn it around and guilt trip you so that they can feel that you’ve done worse. For example, you were suspicious that your ex has been getting close to their ex during this ordeal, so when the opportunity presents itself you quickly browse through their phone and find that your suspicions were based in reality. When you confront your ex, they make the fact that you went into their phone the problem and speed past the fact that they’ve been playing the field and it hurt you.
This happened to one of my clients who had been engaged to her ex. One weekend, Samantha’s then fiancé, Paul, disappeared into thin air. From Thursday night to Tuesday morning, he was nowhere to be found, would not pick up his phone, and Samantha of course began to panic. She was worried that something happened. She called one of his best friends, who told her that Paul had been with him and their other friend, Celine on Friday… Ok, but where was Paul now? He had no idea.
Then, Paul came home and went straight to bed, without a word to Samantha. For the first time in their relationship, she picked up his phone on his nightstand and scrolled through the messages.
Then she found a message to his best friend. Paul had written, “I mean who am I even? I’m falling in love with another girl and I’m engaged lol”
When Paul woke up, Samantha confronted him about it. First, he zeroed in on the fact that she went through his phone. Then, he started telling her that she needs to get her life together, that she was like a child, that she wasn’t serious about school, that he expected more from her… and he went on and on. By the way, at the time Samantha was working three jobs and had just passed the LSAT.
Fortunately, she had begun to realize that he was a manipulative individual and knew how to handle guilt trips. In the end she chose to leave that relationship and we have been working together on getting her back in the dating game!
- Your ex always plays the martyr
They tell you that everything they do is for you and make you feel ungrateful. They drop lines on you like, “I would do anything for you and I love you with all my heart, even if you don’t love.” It’s meant to make you feel bad and feel obligated to prove your love to them. You feel that this isn’t genuine and he’s just using it as a tool to make you do what they want you to do.
- They play on your emotions
They don’t want you to be happy without them. Your ex makes you feel guilty for doing things without them and not spending time with them. They’ll make you feel like you’re never there for them. They know how much you care about them so they use it to their advantage. They guilt trip you about spending time with your friends instead of them, they guilt trip you about going somewhere without them – especially if there’s an opportunity for you to meet someone new.
- They compare you to others
A manipulative ex will constantly compare you to a past ex in order to make you feel insecure.
Whenever you don’t want to do something, they’ll tell you that their ex was always cool with it and they always had such a good time. The goal, whether they realize it or not, is to make you feel like you have to do something so that you can get their approval. No one likes to be compared to others, and your ex should not be trying to convince you that you’re not good enough!
How to respond to guilt trips from your ex
The biggest thing you can do right now is to take some time to focus on what you bring to the table.
Make sure that you are feeling confident and happy with yourself, so that you do not sway when your ex tries to guilt trip you. You know what you are willing to do for your partner, and you know that you are good enough, so you must never allow someone to make you feel small – even if you still love them.
If you are considering getting back in a relationship with this person, it’s important to note that you’ll have to make sure that manipulative behavior is no longer present.
But how?
Well, you have to be careful with how much you tolerate because you are in essence teaching a person how to treat you. If you continually allow your ex to guilt trip you, they will continue to do so.
My advice to you now is to put some space between you. When things have gotten messy and you need to hit the reset button, the best tool is the no contact rule. I encourage you to click the link for more information, but it basically consists of cutting contact with your ex for a set period of time. During this time, you will work on yourself while giving your ex the opportunity to miss you and reflect on their own actions as well.
It’s important to learn to stand your ground, know your worth, and know how to say no.
As this article comes to a close, I highly encourage you to reach out to a member of our team if you have been dealing with a manipulative ex and together we can design the best plan of action for your specific situation.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach for how to respond to guilt trips
Adrian
