When I’m helping people get back together, I often see issues related to codependency. Though it’s not uncommon, it can cause a lot of unbalance in a person’s life and challenges in terms of building and maintaining healthy relationships. That is why I always make sure to help clients steer clear of negative patterns and learn how to stop codependency on their exes. We invest so much in our relationships, and sometimes we lose ourselves a bit and begin to allow our happiness or self worth depend on our partner. The relationship can then become very unbalanced and frustrating – for both people involved! When the breakup occurs, it’s challenging to overcome codependency and attract your ex back by proposing a different type of relationship. With this in mind, I wanted to write this article for you today.
We will take a look at what codependency is exactly, where it comes from, and what you can do about it now!
Codependency: What is it exactly?
Codependency can be characterized by a feeling of addiction to the person you love. In essence, your life becomes replaced by their life, your inner peace depends on their attitude or actions, and they become your main source of happiness.
The problem is that this places a huge amount of pressure on your partner to keep you happy, and this can give rise to resentment. Either one person ends up feeling suffocated by their codependent partner, or both partners become codependent on each other and the relationship becomes unhealthy.
I want to share two examples from my coaching sessions with you. Sandy and Peter, and Caroline and Joshua.
Sandy and Peter had become codependent on each other when they were together, and it gave rise to a negative spiral. She gave me an example of one of their evenings:
She wanted to go out with some friends that she hadn’t seen in ages. She had developed a habit of opting to stay in with him each night, and it wasn’t until later that she realized that she was doing this because she was seeking reassurance that he still loved her as much as he did before. She was dealing with an insecurity in the relationship – which is also related to codependent behavior.
So, she was going to hang out with her girlfriends finally, but then Peter said, “Oh, okay. Well, I guess you don’t want to hang out with me even though I’ll be alone. You wanna be with your friends. Go, it’s ok. I’ll be fine.”
Well, this made her feel terrible so she agreed to stay in. He felt insecure about her hanging out with people other than him and wasn’t planning things in his schedule that would be fun. He had guilt tripped her into staying with him because he couldn’t be happy without her, and she was giving in because she felt codependent on him as well. Things were becoming very unbalanced and manipulation was starting to creep into their relationship. What’s more, on her way home that night Sandy wanted some CPK. She picked up some dinner for them, but it turned out that he had wanted something else.
What happened next was very interesting. She started to think about how she used to give him so much more of herself in the past, and then started to feel guilty for trying to do things for herself. In the end, she ended up going back out and getting the food he wanted so he’d be happy (aka, so he’d stop making her feel guilty). You see, neither of them were feeling confident in themselves, and they were draining each other at the same time.
Then there was Caroline and Joshua. They had been together for eight months and they lived about four hours away from each other by car. It was long distance. Caroline finally decided to move in with Joshua in his town, and neither of them could have been happier. They were in their little bubble, making their home together and settling in.
Within the next few months, they began spending more time with Joshua’s friends, checking out the bars and restaurant he liked, and spending a lot of time with his family. Little by little, Joshua began to realize that he was dealing with codependency from Caroline. He had invited her to live with him, and he was doing everything in his power to make her feel at home, but deep down he began recognizing the fact that she depended on him for everything. In other words, he was losing his personal life.
This started to foster a feeling of suffocation and even resentment in him, because he didn’t know how to make Caroline want to develop a personal life as well. Distance and unrest began to brew until one day he actually ended the relationship because he needed his independence back. Caroline became my client and we got the two of them back together by teaching her to stop being codependent.
Very often, codependency (in various forms) is exactly what makes two people break up.
Whether this is why you and your ex broke up or not, you’re feeling like you’re dependent on your ex, and you’ve understood that you now need to learn how to stop codependency on your ex. Hats off to you because that is exactly what you should be doing!
Breakups can conjure up all kinds of insecurities and it’s very common for people to feel like they need to be with their exes in order to be happy.
So, how do we fix this?!
How to stop codependency starting now
Well, that title is a little bit misleading because this isn’t something you can just wave a magic wand at and fix overnight, but you can start the process of mending the issue today.
And the key for that is getting busy.
Yep, that’s it. When it comes to stopping codependent behavior, you want to focus on getting busy with making your life more amazing than it’s ever been. Now is the time to pinpoint what improvements can be made to your personal life and how to go about doing it.
Some things to think about are your hobbies that you lost track of as your relationship developed. We often lose track of important elements of our personal lives as we become fully invested in a relationship, and more often than not, we don’t even realize it’s happening.
And yes, hobbies are important because they’re yours, they take you out of your daily routine, and they make YOU happy. I also want you to think about how much physical exercise you’re getting. Could you be doing more? Then get it to it! Make it fun – sign up for dance classes or rock climbing. Boosting your self confidence is one of the most important things you should be doing right now, so please don’t underestimate it.
When dealing with codependency, you have to build yourself back up. One of the hardest parts of all of this is undoing the pattern you’ve unwittingly created. It may have developed because of something traumatic that happened in the past, or perhaps it’s related to other insecurities, but if you want to be happy in the future and if you want your ex back, you have to restore your confidence in yourself.
Another way to do this is to start working on personal projects that you put on the back burner.
Spend more time with your loved ones. Go on more trips – even if it’s a weekend getaway to a neighboring city.
It’s up to you to prove to yourself that you can make yourself happy, and that your happiness does not depend on your ex.
The moment you do this, you will see changes start to happen with how your ex sees you.
As each situation is entirely unique, and I’m sure you have questions, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me directly so we can design a custom plan of action. Start by making your life look the way you’ve always wanted it to look, and then we can fine tune it together so that your ex will want to be a part of it again!
Wishing you all the best
Your coach for ending codependent behavior
Adrian
