There’s no easy way around it. Breaking up is hard to do. It’s hard for the person who chose to pull the plug on the relationship, and it’s hard for the person who got broken up with. People often make the mistake of thinking that it’s only painful for the person who was left, but as a love and relationship coach specialized in getting people back together, I work with individuals on a daily basis that are struggling with the aftermath of a breakup and I can tell you that breakups are hard and are deeply painful for both people involved.
That is why I wanted to write this article for you today on how to deal with a difficult breakup and what you can do starting today when you want to bounce back. Whether you want to get back together with your ex or not, you’re going to have to come out of this painful period on top, and you’ve come to the right place. I will show you exactly how to do just that.
Breakups are hard, but why is it SO painful?
I was talking to someone recently who told me, “Adrian I knew it would hurt if we ever broke up, but it hurts so much more than I expected…” The truth is that even if you were expecting the breakup to happen, you can get completely blindsided by the slew of emotions that hits you.
They range from hurt, to anger, to confusion, to deep sadness and frustration. It might even feel like each day you’re experiencing a new negative emotion, and you just want to do anything to numb the pain.
The fact of the matter is that breakups are this hard because they are the death of something that was precious to you. The emotions and the pain you’re experiencing right now are feelings of loss, and can be compared to grief.
You are in essence grieving the death of your hopes for the future with this person and all the plans you made. So of course it would feel like a knife to the heart. Your entire world just got turned upside down from one day to the next. On top of that, you are being forced out of your comfort zone and you’re left feeling vulnerable and hurt. This is when you experience a barrage of negative emotions like self doubt, depression, and hopelessness for the future.
This is where we come in, because I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck in this rut! You are in control of more than you might realize, and it is my goal to help lead you out of this painful period. To do so, we need to go over the positive ways to cope with a breakup vs the negative ones…
Going through a breakup in constructive ways vs destructive ways
Because breakups are so hard, I often see people turning to coping mechanisms that aren’t great in the longterm. I want to touch on this right off the bat because I want to stress the importance of using this experience as an opportunity for growth instead of allowing it to be something that will set you back.
When someone is hurting, I often see them turn to drugs or alcohol, endless nights of partying, and maybe even rebound relationships that they don’t actually really want to be in. The problem here is that the short term relief that they might feel from these types of distractions can actually negatively affect their longterm goals.
Think about it this way: let’s say you’ve got specific professional goals and you have got to get ahead at your job. But you’re feeling awful because your heart has just been broken… so you start staying out all night, partying. Now if you’re hungover every morning, it is going to impede your ability to be efficient and excel in your work, and subsequently reach your professional goals. I’m not telling you to avoid having fun – quite the opposite actually and I’ll get to that, but if this becomes a habit, it becomes a problem.
How to go through a breakup: Setting goals
I encourage you to work on being goal oriented instead. In fact, setting short term and long term goals is something I always encourage my clients to do. Define a longterm goal, and then work backwards. Figure out where you want to be in a year. So, where do you need to be in six months? In one month?
Set short term goals for yourself as well. It can be as simple as giving someone a compliment every single day.
You’re dealing with a difficult breakup right now, so it’s time to switch up your routine. Starting now, I invite you to take a pen and a piece of paper and write down 5 things you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to try in your town. It can be something like rock climbing, whale watching, yoga, painting, trying out that new restaurant that opened, etc.
Over the course of the next 5 weeks, do one of these things each week.
Having a goal in mind, whether it is big or small, will help you to get out of this current funk, and it will give you something to work towards. Make sure that the things you are doing right now will get you closer to your goals, and not farther away.
The most important thing to do when getting over a breakup
It can feel like you’re being cornered by negative thoughts all the time when you’ve gone through a bad breakup. This is going to be amplified if you isolate yourself and allow yourself to stay at home, sulking on the couch.
The less active you are, the more space these negative emotions are going to take up in your mind. This is why the most important thing to do when coping with a breakup is to start implementing actions and exercises into your life geared towards restoring your self confidence.
As of now, your ego has taken a blow, but it’s up to you to start doing things that make you feel better little by little. Start by hitting the gym, or trying a different workout routine. Getting your endorphins flowing will boost your energy, but it is also going to make you feel lighter and happier. You’d be amazed at how much of an effect physical exercise can have on your overall mood.
Next up, think about all the things that got put on the back burner while you were in this relationship. What friends and family did you stop spending time with when the relationship became more of a priority? What hobbies and passions did you set aside? What projects did you lose track of?
Use this time to start focusing on these things once again.
How do you get over a breakup? In with the new, out with the old!
One of the best things that you can do starting today is changing up your environment. I think it’s probably safe to say that as of right now, it feels like literally everything reminds you of your ex. Everywhere you turn, there is something that makes you think about him or her.
So why not switch things up?
First off, take all the things that belong to your ex or remind you of your ex and put them in a box. It’s up to you if you want to keep this box or get rid of it – the point is to get these things out of sight. There is something to be said for the expression, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
Next, go ahead and reorganize your space. Move your furniture around, switch up the artwork or photos on your walls, get yourself new bedsheets… do things that will make your space feel fresh, and you will see that it will have a very positive effect on your frame of mind as well.
If you’re up for it, why not even go for a fresh coat of paint? Anything that makes things feel new and gets you up and active will be great for you right now.
Getting over a breakup by branching out
If you’re feeling weighed down by this painful breakup right now, I have another goal for you. Challenge yourself to get out there and talk to 5 new people every week. It can be someone in line next to you while you’re at the checkout at the grocery store, someone at a bar, someone at a party, or even someone sitting next to you on the bus.
Stepping out of your comfort zone will do wonders for the way you’re feeling right now, and meeting new people helps to broaden your horizons. And I’m not telling you to jump in the dating pool, especially if you aren’t feeling ready for that. This can be entirely platonic!
I want you to remember that you are not dependent on your ex in order to be happy. I often work with people who are struggling with emotional dependency and if this is the case for you, get out there and prove to yourself that you are in control of your own happiness and you can introduce new things into your life that bring you joy.
The best way to get over a breakup is by making your well being a top priority
Make sure that you are making your own wellbeing a priority. Yes, you have the right to be hurt, yes you have the right to be angry and upset, but do your part to make it easier on yourself. Don’t wallow in self pity or stalk your ex’s social media profiles. When you feel like you need to feel close to your ex and want to call them, call your best friend instead. Plan something fun to do together – ideally, something that you’ve never done before!
While you work on taking care of yourself, make sure that you take the time to reflect on the relationship and analyze what exactly went wrong between you and your ex – especially if you’re hoping to get back together.
This is where acceptance comes into play. I know that it’s very challenging, but you’ve got to accept that the relationship ended so that you can take a step back and look at what exactly happened. In doing so, you’ll have a clear picture of what went wrong which will help you to begin defining future solutions. Whether you start working on getting back together with your ex or not, you need to come up with ways to avoid winding up in this situation again in the future.
I am always here to help, so don’t hesitate to get in touch with me for one-on-one coaching!
How to deal with a breakup if you want your ex back…
You might be sitting there wondering if everything I’ve just said applies to you if you want your ex back. Good news, it does!! All of my advice is geared towards helping you to become the best version of yourself – someone who is confident and happy with their life.It’s up to you to determine how much power you’re going to let this breakup have over you!
So how does all of this help when you want your ex back? Well, by becoming the best version of yourself you are going to remind your ex of the person he or she fell in love with in the first place. But what’s even more exciting is this:
You’re going to remind your ex of the person they fell in love with, but you’re going to be a new and improved version. You are going to be rendering yourself irresistible!
The key is proving to your ex that you don’t need them in order to be happy. You are not emotionally dependent on him or her, and you are perfectly capable of grabbing life by the horns and living the life you’ve always wanted to live.
Don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to see if the no contact rule would be suited to your attempt at getting back together or not, and in any case, don’t hesitate to post pictures of how much fun you’re having on your Facebook and Instagram! Even if your ex is no longer following you, word will spread about how great and how happy you look! Their curiosity will be sparked…
Like I said, please don’t hesitate to get in touch because we are here to help. We work with people on a daily basis to help them get back together with the person they love through one on one coaching sessions, our articles, and our videos. You are not in this alone and yes! You are going to bounce back.
Wishing you all the best,
Your coach when you’re experiencing a painful breakup
I Know We Are Meant To Be!
Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!