If I had to choose the question that I get asked the most often by my female clients, it would be this : “Can I get him back?” It isn’t, “What do I need to do in order to get my ex back,” or “Does he miss me…” Nope, the first thing the majority of people ask is whether or not it’s possible to get back together with the person they love. Fortunately, as an expert in love and relationships, I can tell you that the answer is yes, but it’s going to depend on a couple things.
That is why I’ve decided to dedicate today’s article to this topic. I want to go over how to tell if the odds are in your favor, and what needs to happen if you want to be with your ex again. It’s no walk in the park, I’m not going to lie, but everything is possible in love as long as you’re willing to put forth the effort and persevere, while not giving into temptation.
There are do’s and don’ts to keep in mind if you really want to get him back, and you’ve come to the right place. We have countless articles dedicated to doing just that, so you will find everything you need to know about how to get your ex back right here on this site.
Can I get him back: The three questions you have to ask yourself
As I just said, yes, it is possible to get your ex back, but I want to explain how you can increase the odds of it happening. It’s not enough to sit back right now and think, “Oh, OK, it is possible so I’ll just wait for that to happen.” Just like with anything else you truly want, you have to go out and get it.
I know that right now you’re probably experience=ing a surge of all kinds of emotions from heartbreak, to self doubt, sadness, confusion, and anger. Going through a breakup, regardless of which one of you chose to pull the plug on the relationship, can deliver a powerful blow to a person’s ego. You’re probably wondering if you can get him back because you’re not feeling very confident right now.
Maybe you ended the relationship and bitterly regret your decision, and now you aren’t sure if it’s too late to go back and restore your relationship after everything that’s happened, or maybe your ex bowed out and you’re left thinking, “What can I do to get him back? Is it even possible?”
Well, the good news is that feelings that a person had for you don’t just disappear overnight simply because you two broke up. Now I know, I know, some of you reading this might be thinking something along the lines of, “A lot of time has passed since we broke up… I’m worried that it’s too late??” Or, “My ex is dating someone new… That’s why I want to know if I can still get him back!”
Don’t panic. Every situation has its obstacles and there is a solution for every problem. Whether your ex is in a rebound relationship, told you he never wants to speak to you again, told you he doesn’t love you anymore, was betrayed by you, or even if he moved to a different city, you’re going to lay the foundation for getting him back.
So first things first, if you’re wondering, “Can you get him back? Is it even possible?” I want you to ask yourself these three questions:
1. Were you and your ex truly in love?
2. Do you have good intentions?
3. Are you ready to put forth the effort to make positive changes?
If you answered yes to these three questions, guess what, all the odds are in your favor. You will be able to win him back. You just need to make sure that you stick to the do’s and don’ts that this process entails. As I said, you need to begin by laying a proper foundation and there are couple powerful techniques that can help you do exactly that.
How to get him back: Step 1
When you truly want someone back, it’s normal to panic. You might be terrified that you have lost this man forever, and this gives rise to some errors. You might try extra hard to be in touch with him so that you can stay close and make sure he knows how much you love him… You might try to ask his friends about him to find out what he’s up to… In more extreme cases you might even threaten him or maybe even his new girlfriend. I’m sure you can understand why this type of behavior isn’t going to get you closer to your goal of getting him back…
Another thing I often see in people who are trying to figure out the best way to get him back is that they become overly generous. They give too much of themselves and then don’t understand why their ex isn’t coming back and saying he wants to be together. Instead, they feel unappreciated and taken for granted.
Unfortunately, this is an extremely common phenomenon. From an early age we are taught that in order to receive love, we need to give and give and give. We aren’t necessarily taught the meaning of balance… When we feel like someone doesn’t love us enough, we try to give them more love in order to solicit the same from them. As you’ve probably noticed, it doesn’t quite work like that, especially when something like a breakup has already taken place between you.
Fortunately, there is a technique, and you’ve probably already heard about it, that acts as a reset button. It’s called the No Contact Rule, and it has three goals:
1. Give you the opportunity to take a step back, analyze the situation, and start coming up with concrete, long term solutions.
2. Allow you to bounce back from the breakup and become a new and improved version of yourself
3. Give your ex boyfriend an electroshock and make him realize that you’re no longer at his beck and call.
For more in-depth information on how to use this tool and how powerful it is, I encourage you to click the link above, but to quickly summarize, you cut communication with your ex for a predetermined period of time, and you make sure you don’t give in to the temptation to break no contact.
Your ex will start to notice that you’re not giving him attention anymore, and it’s basic human nature to want something back when it’s abruptly been taken away from you. On top of that, if you’re really working on becoming the best version of yourself, he is going to take notice. Make sure you’re social and that you post pictures on social media of all the great things you’ve been up to. Even if you aren’t friends on Facebook or Instagram anymore, he will experience moments of curiosity during which he’ll look at your profiles, or his friends will let him know that you’re looking incredible and it seems that you’ve been having a great deal of fun.
When it comes to how to make him want you back for good, you’ve got to think longterm. How can you improve your life longterm? How can you improve your relationship longterm?
When it comes time to do so, you’ll have to be able to propose a new relationship to your ex because you both know how the last one ended. You can’t set out on the same exact path again.
How to win him back: Step 2
Once you’ve successfully used the No Contact Rule, you can start to ease into phase two. By the way, it’s crucial that you stick to the No Contact Rule because if you cave before it’s time to get back in touch, you’ll be right back at square one. The point is to show your ex that you are not as his beck and call, and if he reaches out to you and you just go ahead and respond, you’ll just reassure him that he’s still in control of the situation, so he can sit back, relax, and continue to enjoy having his cake and eating it too.
In order to win him back, you’ll have to shift the power play. Remember, you want him to feel the need to come to you.
When you’re ready to get back in touch, there are few different ways that you can go about doing so. One of my personal favorites is the handwritten letter. When you want him back, it’s normal that your thoughts and emotions might feel a bit overwhelming right now, and it’s also hard to communicate with an ex if tensions are still running high.
The handwritten letter is the ideal tool because it allows you to clearly present your point after you’ve taken the time to organize your thoughts and what you propose for the future.
When you’re writing an “apology letter or a letter to express what you’re feeling to your ex, I want you to keep in mind that one, great letter is much more powerful than many mediocre ones. You want to present your ex boyfriend with one letter that really hits home and presents your point clearly and positively.
Writing down everything that’s going on in your head is a great way to work through your emotions right now, but that’s not what should be sent to him. When you want to know what to do to get him back, I don’t want you to send him all your brainstorming sessions. You’ve got to have a clear, well organized point that you communicate in one clean letter.
No one wants to receive letter after letter in which you’re lamenting your heartbreak and going on and on about how much you want to be with this person. He might already know that you want to be with him, but now you’re going to have to present him with how exactly he could be happy with you once again.
As of now, your ex boyfriend’s most recent memories of you are negative because they’re focused on the breakup. Like I said above, you’re going to have to work on learning from what happened so that you can present him with something new and improved…
When you’re writing a <strong?>letter to get him back, you’ll need to steer clear of going on about how sad you are. Mentioning it once is enough. You don’t want to make it look like you’re throwing a pity party for yourself. Besides, your ex doesn’t want to hear it. Whether you lied, cheated on him, disrespected him, or simply broke his trust, the fact of the matter is that right now, your ex is very hurt or disappointed in how things turned out, and doesn’t want to hear about how sad you are. He needs to know that you regret your role in the breakup (because it’s never 100% one person’s fault alone), but it should not be the focal point of your letter.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t want to point fingers in this letter. If you’re writing things like, “I only did what I did because you …” You’re not going to get very far. His walls are going to go up.
This letter should be focused on the future, and it should be positive. Neither of you want to dwell on heartbreak, and if you’re going to get back together, your future needs to look bright and uplifting. So, what do you need to write in this letter?
Here’s what to do when you want him back. In this letter, make sure that you include the following elements:
1. How you’ve recognized your own shortcomings
2. Thanking him for helping you recognize them
3. Apologizing for not recognizing them in the relationship
4. The fact that now you understand and you are currently working on rectifying them
5. Communicating how you’re making longterm improvements and finding solutions
How to get him back after a breakup and keep him
I often tell my clients that the hardest part is not actually getting your ex back… It’s keeping him.
That is why I keep harping on ensuring that you’ve got longterm solutions and that you’re making concrete improvements to your personal life. You won’t be able to maintain and preserve a happy relationship if you aren’t serious about making sure that you’re living your best life.
We so often call into the trap of giving too much to another person, losing ourselves, and then winding up feeling taken for granted and drained. This of course creates instability and anxiety in the relationship, and you wind up in a negative cycle.
Fortunately, you’re in control of this and it’s up to you to make sure that you don’t fall into this trap anymore.
You’ll need to make amends with your ex, restore the complicity between you, and reintroduce seduction.
The key ingredient for making your ex want you back is to inspire him or her to want to be a part of your life again. This means that you can’t place your ex at the center of your universe. You have to have your own things going on and make it clear that you are making yourself very happy. Get active at the gym or switch up your work out routine, freshen up your closet, spend ample time with your friends and family, and fill up your schedule with things that bring you joy.
Pursue your personal and professional projects, and start trying out new activities. Make time for your old hobbies that got put on the back burner while you were in the relationship.
The point of all of this is to prove to yourself that you can make yourself very happy and therefore bounce back from the breakup. The other thing that starts to happen is that you begin to remind your ex of the person he or she fell in love with in the first place, and show them that you’re becoming a new and improved version!
This makes you irresistible.
I know that each situation is entirely unique, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or any member of my team by clicking here. You can also leave any questions you might have in the comments section below, and it would be our pleasure to get back to you!
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you’re thinking, “Can I get him back?”