The way we react to certain situations is dictated by what we experienced growing up and in the world around us, which is why it’s not uncommon to end up doing things that you regret later on down the line. I recently worked with a client who told me that she had pushed her ex away and was terrified that it was too late to get him back. She wrote, “I think I scared him away and now I don’t know what to do. Can you please help me?”
In today’s article, I am going to go over how to analyze this situation so that you can approach the situation in the best way possible. I’ll provide you with some tips and tools that will help you to get your ex to see you in a new light, and you can begin to pave the way towards getting back together! So let’s take a look at what’s going on here and what we can do about it.
How come I pushed my ex away like this?
It’s easy to sit here and look at the situation in hindsight and think, “Why did I scare him away like that,” or “I pushed her away and I totally regret it.”
What we need to do now is get to the bottom of why exactly you pushed him or her away. There are a variety of different reasons behind these types of actions and unfortunately, you’re the only one who can answer the question of why you pushed your ex away! You’re the only one who knows the ins and outs of your situation. I can however offer you some insight about the most common reasons behind why people will push a romantic partner, and you can see if any of these pertain to you…
By figuring out why you reacted to the situation in the way that you did and pushed your ex away, you can start to define concrete solutions. So let’s take a look!
I scared him away because I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I made in the past
This is a very common phenomenon that I see in my one on one coaching sessions. A person who had made mistakes in the past that resulted in heartbreak can easily put up walls to protect themselves. Unfortunately, they can put up walls between them and someone who doesn’t deserve to be pushed away, and this can really damage the relationship.
If this is the case for you, it’s going to be important to work on making changes in your personal life that make you feel more confident about being in a relationship with another person… but I’ll go over that in more detail a little further down.
I scared him away because I don’t want to get hurt
In many cases, a person comes to me asking, “I scared him way, how do I get him back” because they put up walls as a result of someone else’s mistakes. When you are caused a considerable amount of pain by an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, it comes as no surprise that you’d try to protect yourself in future relationships.
The problem arises when you push your partner away or scare them off simply because you don’t want to be vulnerable. It’s very important to never make someone pay for someone else’s mistakes.
Scaring someone when the relationship was developing too fast
Another common reason behind why an ex might pull away in these situations is when the relationship seems to be going too fast and they panic. If the relationship doesn’t have a foundation or it feels like there’s too much pressure (especially if it’s too soon), you might inadvertently push your significant other away.
Being careful to let things happen naturally will help you a great deal when it comes to romantic relationships.
Did I scare him away with my feelings and what can I do now?
Whatever your specific case may be, it always boils down to feelings. Perhaps you pushed him or her away because you don’t want to hurt them, because you don’t want them to hurt you, or because you rushed things and put pressure on the relationship because you didn’t want to lose it.
Zeroing in on the answer to “Why did I scare him or her away” will require time and reflection. You’ll need to properly analyze how the relationship developed, and how you acted at the beginning of the relationship vs how you acted right before and right after the breakup. What does your personal life look like, and are there any elements of emotional dependency?
If you’re thinking, “I pushed him away by being too clingy” or, “I scared her off by rushing things,” you need to take your time and make sure you give your ex some space.
In some cases, your ex is the one that pushed you away simply because you scared them, so we need to change your course of action!
Putting yourself in your ex’s shoes after you pushed them away with your behavior
Before we dive into the how-to’s, let’s take a moment to explore what your ex might be feeling right now. If you’re unclear about why you acted in a way that scared him off or pushed her away, and you don’t know why you did it, imagine how your ex feels!
They are probably completely confused.
Emotions and tensions are running high at this point, so it is important to give it a bit of time so that things can calm down. Eventually you will need to explain what happened, but you’ll need to give yourself the chance to hit the reset button first.
Once your ex has moved past being hurt or upset, they will be more open to hearing you out. By the way, when things are tense between you, the worst thing you can do is beg and plead to be given a second chance!
So here is where we start to outline the solutions available to you.
Using the NC rule correctly after scaring someone off
If you are familiar with our philosophy, then you have undoubtedly heard of the no contact rule. For those of you that are unfamiliar with it, it basically consists of cutting all forms of communication with an ex partner for a predetermined period of time that will depend directly on details of your relationship and breakup.
For more in-depth information on how to harness the power of this technique, I highly recommend reading the article in the link.
Now, the goal of the no contact rule is to give your ex an electroshock that allows him or her to see in you in a new way after you pushed them away. During the time that you spend in zero contact, it is up to you to spend some time doing some introspection so that you can pinpoint what changes you need to make in your life that will benefit a relationship in the future with your ex (but also the relationship you have with yourself).
Now is the time to make concrete changes and improvements so that you can prove to yourself that you are capable of making yourself happy, that you can be confident in what you bring to the table, and that you can lay the foundation for a solid relationship with the one you love!
Now, you might have heard things like, “If he loves you, he will come back no matter what” or “She’ll come around if you give her space.” While it is true that space is a crucial element in the ex recovery process, it is imperative that you use this space wisely in order to make it help you reach your goal.
There are just a few things I want to highlight as this article comes to a close.
When you are using the NC rule after scaring someone because you were overly clingy and needy, then it is important to stick with it and NOT respond to their messages or phone calls until your no contact period is complete.
If you are using NC to hit the reset button because you pushed him or her away because you were afraid of being hurt or hurting them, I would not recommend ignoring their attempts at getting in contact with you.
If you neglected your partner in the relationship, it would not be wise to make them feel ignored and abandoned when they’re making an effort to reach out to you. If you suffocated your partner, it is a good idea to maintain distance and silence between you while you’re in the no contact period.
I know that this can all feel very overwhelming, but don’t forget that we are here to help you every step of the way. You can reach out to us for one on one guidance throughout this challenging period by clicking here, and we can help you define the best action plan. You can also leave any comments or questions you may have in the comments section below.
Wishing you all the best in life and love
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Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!