date with an exIt’s very rare for exes to never, ever see each other again or not seek each other out after the first initial break up. Humans are creatures of habit. And one of the hardest habits to break is thinking about someone you had a romantic relationship or were in love with. Even if it ended badly, exes still want to know how their former significant other is doing, regardless of whether they are doing well or not. I remember when my ex asked me out, I was rather surprised and took the bait. It didn’t go well.

Eventually, there will come a time when one of you reaches out to the other, “just to say ‘hi’.” Our team at WITH MY EX AGAIN has the tools and expertise to guide you for when you reach out to us saying, “My ex contacted me.”

But what happens when “first contact” or that rekindling conversation gets to another level? What happens when you realize, “my ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend wants to see me”? What are you going to do? That’s where we come in. We’re here to tell you what to and what not to do when your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend wants to meet up, give you tell tell signs ex wants you back, and provide you with tips on going on a date with your ex.

My ex asked me out: Five Reasons to Understand Why

That’s a good question. No doubt, this caught you off guard – especially if it’s been a considerable while since you two last spoke. And who knows what’s going through your mind or how this is making you feel? Only you do.

Perhaps you were hoping on going on a date with your ex. If so, this must be a pleasant surprise. Don’t show your cards to early. Be suave. Be smooth. Be cool. Be collected. Or maybe you have already moved on. It doesn’t change a thing. You must still be, suave, smooth, cool, and collected. You don’t want them to think you’re still holding on to past grudges, pain, or discontentment from your previous relationship (even if you still are).

Throughout all of this, you will undoubtedly be thinking to yourself, “why is my ex boyfriend contacting me?” or “Why is my ex girlfriend contacting me?” Let me break it down for you:

They miss you so they contact you

Believe it or not, most people live within a default mental state of idealizing the past and preoccupying themselves with an unrealized future. When individuals are in heightened emotional states over their former relationships, the effects of living in the past and in the future are exaggerated. Even if the relationship was bad, they are only remembering the good parts, while thinking of what could have been.

What all this really is a habit of being preoccupied with the person who used to be your boyfriend or girlfriend, regardless of whether you are currently with them or not. That’s not to say that they don’t really miss you or that the feelings aren’t genuine.

They want to get something off their chest

Missing your ex also comes with unsettled thoughts and emotions. There is a strong chance that your ex wants to disclose things he or she meant to say in the past but either didn’t have a good reason or lacked the courage to do so.

They may be unable to move on healthily until they get past this hurdle, or feel that whatever it is they have to say might inspire you to reconsider your relationship.

Looking for comfort in a familiar place

Familiarity is one of the strongest emotions, simply because it requires no effort. It’s a human mechanism designed to help us preserve energy. It literally requires energy to experience new events, form memories, mentally and emotionally process these experiences, and ultimately get used to it.

This is why people like to stick to what they know. We don’t even realize it. It happens subtly and subconsciously.

Looking for closure if things didn’t end well

If things ended badly between you and your ex, your ex is probably still carrying the emotional trauma (perhaps you are, too). Maybe you had the final say in the break up and now your ex realized they aren’t satisfied with the outcome. Maybe you were the “bad guy” in all this and he or she wants to confront you about it and make you aware of the hurt you caused.

Or maybe your ex was the bad guy, realized it, and now wants to apologize because they feel so bad and want to make amends. Whatever it may be, your ex might be looking for you to help them release this emotional tension.

Your ex is looking for an ego boost and wants to compare who’s better off

This is the most Machiavellian, most political reason why your ex would want to see you. Your ex is perhaps still weaning off of you and in the middle of growing accustomed to life without you. It can either be going well for them or not. And the same goes for you.

If you aren’t doing so well post-break up, seeing how you are faring can either validate them or give them a sense of comfort if they are in the same boat as you, or encourage them to do better and be better if they see you are much further along in the “moving-on” process than they are.

Bonus: They Just want sex

Sometimes we share a sexual history with someone that was so passionate, intense, and out of this world. There’s no rhyme or reason behind why two people are a perfect sexual fit.

And despite our best efforts, we are still weak to these forces and easily give in when confronted by them. If this was the case between you and your ex, he or she probably knows it and wants to use it to their advantage.

Dinner with Ex: Is This A Good Idea?

Before you even consider going on a first date with ex girlfriend or boyfriend, especially if it is a dinner date, there are things that you need to consider (and I hope this fact was more obvious to you than not).

First, is this even a good idea? Well… the answer to that question depends on a number of things such as where you or your ex are in your lives and how you feel about yourselves, the context (or pretext, if any) of this meeting, if either of you are in a new relationship at the moment, and many other variables.

Second, where are you two going? A new place neither you have ever been (recommended) or your old date night spot (no! no!)? What are you doing? Going to a swanky cocktail lounge perfect for first dates (eh… let’s not do that yet) or a platonic stroll in the city (neutral territory, plus multiple escape routes if need be)?

This engagement needs to be as platonic as possible, for now. If any seduction is fated to happen, it should happen towards the end of the date, in as small of doses as possible, and strictly as a no-strings attached flirtation with no pretext.

The goal of a first date with ex girlfriend or boyfriend is to have a good time and not think about the past. The key to achieving this is patience and tact; not doing or saying too much or too little, but saying just enough to tease them and keep your ex invested.

How To Have A Good Date When My Ex Wants To See Me

There are sure fire ways to have a good time when going on a date with your ex. The success of the date depends on the perspective you approach it with.

The most important “constant” in this situation is your demeanor and attitude going into the situation, and subsequently, the first meeting with your ex. You should exude positivity, a good attitude, devoid of hard-feelings or any baggage from your previous relationship with your ex. Consider this a fresh start, because that’s really what it is. Or, its at least an opportunity for one.

When out with your ex, approach it more as a meet-up with an old friend rather than a catch-up with an ex. Old feelings, whether positive or negative, are bound to come up. But you will be fine if you are aware of this before linking up, acknowledge it when it happens, and are mindful of it as the date progresses. I warn you to not get swept up in the emotions! It is just your mind taking the path of least resistance and reverting back to what it once knew.

Some do’s and don’ts include:
– Bring up your successes and accomplishments, but don’t brag about it
– Exercise discretion with your personal life, i.e. don’t bring up your love life
– Keep the conversation light-hearted, don’t bring up past baggage
– Exercise manners, etiquette, and respect, don’t violate boundaries, especially the ones that didn’t exist when you were together, but exist now since you’re not a couple

If either of you is interested in rekindling your romance, it will eventually be revealed, especially if you are having a successful first date with ex girlfriend or boyfriend, and maybe even successful second, third, and fourth dates! However, if you’re unsure about where you stand with your ex, here are some signs ex wants you back:

• They start checking in on you every day or every other day via texting or phone calls
• They want to hang out at either your place or their place instead of going out on dates
• They make it clear they aren’t seeing anyone else or dating
• They disobey the agreement you two made to continue to give each other space
• They don’t try to sleep with you or aren’t primarily interested in getting physical with you until things start to get serious
• They show you instead of tell you how they’ve changed for the better, especially in areas that used to be issues in your previous relationship

Our philosophy is not to save your old relationship, but get you and your ex to start a brand new-and-improved one. If your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend wants to meet up and you decide to have dinner with ex, this might be the perfect opportunity for you to set on the path to the relationship you always wanted with that special person.

As always, if you find yourself saying “My ex asked me out” and aren’t quite sure what to do, pay us a visit! We’ll be happy to help you through this journey.

Coach Steven