As an expert in love and relationships, you can imagine how often people come to me saying something along the lines of, “He broke up with me. If I want my ex back should I tell him I love him?” They’re almost always surprised at my answer…
You see, when you want to be with someone again, it’s totally normal that you would want to tell them that you love them and that they’re the one you want to share your life with. You want them to know how much you care and you want them to understand that your feelings for them haven’t changed. I mean, why on earth would you want them to think anything else? Well, the process of getting making your ex realize what they’ve lost is a bit more complex and counterintuitive.
Today’s article will provide you with the answer of whether or not you should tell your ex that you still love them if you’re hoping to get back together!
Should I tell him I love him: First let’s think about what’s going on in your ex’s mind
When two people break up, there is a surge of emotions. You can feel heartbroken and angry, but you can also feel insecure and have doubts about whether or not the breakup was a good idea.
These emotions will vary from day to day, and they can cloud your judgment.
They can make you want to profess your undying love to your ex, when he may be in a totally different mindset. You might be experiencing regret and nostalgia one day when he’s experiencing anger and the feeling of wanting to be free of all this drama.
Now, in the period that follows a breakup, negative emotions usually prevail, and more often than not, your ex doesn’t want to hear that you love them. When you want to be with this man again, it’s very important that you know WHEN to tell him you love him. I’ll have to be frank with you, 99% of the time, telling him you love him after the breakup is actually not going to help you win him back. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but let me explain…
Thinking about how to tell him you love him isn’t the right move at this point…
To put it bluntly, if you want him back and your question is, “Should I tell him I love him,” the answer is no, you shouldn’t.
At this stage, your ex is upset and he’s probably expecting you to do exactly this. He’s expecting you to beg for him back, and this is just going to make it easy for him to take you for granted.
Now, if you want to convince this guy to take you back, you’re going to have to make him realize what he stands to lose. This means that we’re going to have to shift the power play. Telling a man you love him right now is going to deliver all the power back into his hands. He’ll think, “She’s at my beck and call so I can pretty much do whatever I feel like doing.”
We want him to think, “I need to convince her to want to be with me again… I can’t risk losing her.”
So how do we do this? Well, not by calling him up and telling him he’s the love of your life. We want him to crave hearing you say you love him. We want him to hope and pray that you’re still thinking about him and that maybe he could get another shot at being the man by your side.
I know that instinctually you want to make things easy on him so that you guys can just get back together without making things harder than they need to be, but it’s not about that right now.
Let me explain something that I’ve noticed in all my years as a coach. The moment a man begins to fear losing a woman is the moment he wants her back. The moment he realizes that his life would be better with her in it but she doesn’t need him anymore – he starts making an effort to get closer to her.
Think about it this way – when things are handed to you on a silver platter, you usually end up taking them for granted or becoming bored by them. Even if they were cool at first, you get over it if they’re just always around. On the other hand, if you recognize that these are things you have to work for and you put forth the effort to earn them, you will cherish them.
So, I want you to start thinking of yourself as The Prize, because that’s what you are and that’s how we want him to see you. I know you’re thinking, “I want to tell him that I love him,” but all that will do is reassure him that he’s got you under his thumb, as the Rolling Stones would say.
Instead, you’ve got to work on making your life very exciting. We want him to become enticed – attracted to your life and want to be a part of it. Basically we want him to experience FOMO (fear of missing out…) when it comes to you. We also want your self confidence to shine through and attract people like moths to a flame.
The way to do this is by getting busy with all kinds of things that bring you joy. Some things to think about:
– Picking up old hobbies that made you happy but got put on the back burner when you got into this relationship
– Getting more active at the gym or in classes (yoga, dance, surfing etc)
– Get started on personal projects you haven’t gotten around to (painting the living room that color you’ve been wanting, starting a book club, getting involved in the marathon)
– Give yourself a makeover or update your closet with clothes that make you feel great
– Go on a trip with your friends – even if it’s just a weekend getaway to somewhere not too far
At this point, you’ve broken up. If you want your ex back and are thinking, “Should I tell him I love him” I want you to remind yourself that the most important question is actually “How can I show him I’ve changed for the better?”
Instead of telling him you love him, show him that you’ve changed
If your ex is going to take you back, it’s because he’s seen that you’ve made improvements and have grown from the breakup. That, or you keep telling him you love him and he’ll take you back out of pity, but we both know that that isn’t a solid foundation for a long lasting relationship.
So, your main focus should be improving yourself and your life, and pinpointing the issues you were experiencing in the relationship. It’s up to you to come up with longterm solutions. There are many tools that help you to do this and attract him back, like the no contact rule, and as you know I am always here to help you every step of the way.
If you have any questions at all, please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments section below and it would be our pleasure to personally respond to you.
Wishing you all the best,
Your coach for knowing if you should tell your ex boyfriend you love him