When you are still in love but have been broken up with it can be difficult to let go of your ex. Your feelings can get the best of you and your actions can be based on pure impulse. This leads a lot of men and women that I speak with to spy on their ex in order to find out how they are doing, how they are coping with the separation or simply just to know if they have met someone else.
Is spying on your ex a good idea? Will this enable you to get insider information about them and their behavior that will enable you to get back together or are you simply shooting yourself in the foot and making the recovery process more difficult?
In this article we will look into this issue and provide you with our expert feedback in order for you to make the right decisions, shift your behaviors and ultimately maximize your chances of getting back with your ex.
Spying on your ex makes it more difficult to get over a breakup
If you are spying on your ex you probably still have very strong feelings for them or you are extremely possessive. You may think that this behavior brings you peace of mind or even a certain initial comfort because you remain close to your ex in some way; but you are only fooling yourself! The negative impacts far outweigh any potential positives when it comes to spying on an ex after a breakup.
First of all a breakup stems from a need for space and separation within your couple. Spying on your ex is counter-productive by essence because you are forcing the issue and going about it in the wrong way all together. If your ex finds out what you are up too you will look silly and it will probably ruin your chances of getting back together for good. Even if you are very slick and don’t get caught, you are getting in your own way towards progress and won’t be able to evolve quickly in order to re-seduce your ex and potentially get back together.
Stefan a young professional that I coach was going through a divorce and decided to hire a private investigator to find out if his wife was cheating on him. He thought he needed to know what his wife was up too for his own peace of mind, but he did not realize that he was in effect driving himself crazy and slowing down his chances of potentially staying together; he was being reactionary and looking for negativity or reasons for them to fall even further apart rather than looking for positive endeavors to save their marriage.
Spying on your ex tells me that you are in the wrong mindset and not approaching the breakup in the right way; whether looking to move on or to get back with your ex. It is simply a negative behavior and one that can only bring about more issues and confusion in your quest to get back with your ex. On the contrary you should be looking to free yourself of thoughts of your ex in order to focus on you and actions to move forward.
Social Media does not help you recover
Spying on your ex is not necessarily a physical endeavor or done by calling mutual friends to find out if your ex was at a certain social gathering, who they may have been with or spoken too; Following your ex’s every move on social media is also spying in some way and somewhat counterproductive.
With the advent of social media it is now possible to spy on your ex at anytime and anywhere. In fact you probably need to be very strong and self-disciplined not to go looking at their Facebook or Instagram page after a breakup if they have one. But going on social media to find out what your ex is up too is a passive action that will also have negative impacts on your psyche and your ability to quickly overcome your current funk.
Your ex’s highlight reels will only make you sad and more depressed. You will ask yourself why they don’t seem as effected; constantly look to see if they have met someone else or who they are talking too and simply drive yourself crazy. If you are unable to self-regulate and the need to go see what they are doing overwhelms you, simply block them on all social media platforms for the time being. It’s not the end of the world, your life will continue!
The need to focus on you to get them back
If your goal is to get back with your ex you need to come to terms with the fact that it all starts with you and your actions! It may sound counterintuitive but it is an idea that I passionately believe in; getting back with your ex is just the end of a process which begins by seeking to get back with your true self first! To prove my point; you were able to initially get with your ex on your own merit and attract them for who you were. Along the way you simply lost something and strayed away from your core essence. It isn’t by spying on them that you will be able to get back in touch with who you are naturally! On the contrary you would only keep straying further and further away.
The best way to stay focused and not look to find out what they may be up too is to set challenges; Do activities that you love to do and push yourself to go deeper into them. Find refuge in your hobbies and start new ones; this will open up a world of opportunities that will enable you to keep your mind in the present moment and to have projects rather than being stuck in the past.
Your ex will react positively to a genuine change in your behavior and in your new outlook. They will want to understand how you were able to evolve and they will be attracted to you; if they are not careful they may be the ones looking to spy on you! Either way it will be more difficult for you to reach this step, to be confident and to have a regained sense of independence if you are stuck spying on your ex and watching their every move. Remember that you have a life too!
Spying on your ex isn’t the end of the world and many people engage in similar behaviors. However you should really try to stray away from it as soon as possible in order to quickly be at ease and move forward. Force yourself to stay focused on your dreams and aspirations and block your ex out of your life entirely for a while if you must. It can truly be the best way to gain self-confidence and to eventually get back with your ex down the road.
If you the reader would like to share experiences spying on your ex or stories that may provide insights to other readers don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts in the comments section below. One of our coaches will respond to your comments and provide feedback to any questions that you may have.
You coach to help you break the habit of spying on your ex,