This is a very common topic and I know that many people struggle with this. If you are reading this article today and you are in this situation, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I work with people who are in hot and cold relationships on a daily basis. We specialize in providing people with tools to help them coach themselves through these types of challenges, so if you are wondering how to deal with a tumultuous relationship, you are in the right place!
How does a tumultuous relationship become addicting?
I received an email from Alexandra yesterday, and she described situation but I encounter almost every single day with my clients. She wrote,
“My ex/current boyfriend and I have an on and off again relationship that is honestly really hard to keep up with. When we are together, things can be amazing and passionate, and then it somehow morphs into these explosive fights that wind up in breakups. So we are constantly breaking up and getting back together, and I’m getting really tired of the ups and downs. On some days I look at the situation and I think ‘Wow, I really need to walk away from this because it’s not healthy,’ but then other days I look at him and I see the love of my life.
The more I think about it the more I feel like I’m actually addicted to him, and I don’t know what to do. I know things can’t go on like this but is there anything I can do to change things?”
Tumultuous relationships and the feeling of being addicted to it
Alexandra brings up a very interesting point. She said that she feels like she is addicted to this tumultuous passion she felt with her partner, and perhaps you are feeling the same way as you read this right now. So before we dive into the “how to” portion of this article, I want to take a moment to explain how and why this type a situation develops. The more you understand the reasons behind the situation, the easier it will be to define solutions.
If you’re not careful, a tumultuous relationship can turn into a toxic relationship. Both of these things can be dangerously addicting because they have to do with adrenaline.
Two people who fight all the time and have extreme highs and lows in their relationship get a rush that can become addictive. Intense, volatile fights followed by passionate makeups can make a person crave the emotions that wash over them when the latest conflict is resolved. They experience a release of emotions and tensions that feels passionate and wild. The problem is that they need conflicts to spark these emotions, so it becomes a negative cycle.
Confusing relationships need to be turned into stable relationships
Fights followed by love, and love followed by fights create a rhythm that a person can get hooked on. People who feel like they’re stuck in tumultuous relationships, and even people who are addicted to toxic relationships, are not actually addicted to their partner, as much as they are to the rush that this situation gives them.
This can be applied to Alexandra’s case as well. She felt that she was addicted to this man, but in reality she was addicted to the emotions that were sparked when things got “resolved” in her relationship after each fight. Unfortunately, this type of thing is not sustainable and a different type of foundation needs to be laid in order for a relationship to be stable enough to withstand the test of time.
Don’t confuse passion with tumultuousness
Before we go any further, I want to make sure that you are not experiencing a relationship that is actually toxic. There is a common theme in tumultuous relationships and I’ve seen that many people get addicted to toxic relationships because they crave what they think is “passion.” Unfortunately, the passion is toxicity if these signs are present:
– Lack of boundaries
Even if the relationship is tumultuous, boundaries need to be respected. If your boundaries are not being respected by your partner or if you are not respecting theirs, if one or both of you is threatening the other’s privacy or independence, things need to change.
By the way, it only takes one partner to make a relationship toxic.
– Important requests being ignored
Another sign of a relationship that is more toxic that tumultuous is when one person’s important requests are being ignored. If one person is doing something that hurts the other and does not stop after being asked to, things aren’t healthy.
– Controlling partners
If your partner is trying to control you, how you spend your time and who you choose to spend it with, there is an issue with boundaries. Also keep an eye out for any form of manipulation. Sometimes a person in a hot and cold relationship will try to manipulate their partner in an effort to get what they want.
So if you are seeing these signs on a regular basis in your tumultuous relationship, it’s time to take a step back. Unfortunately, toxic relationships don’t tend to get better with time; they tend to get worse.
Now, if your relationship is just tumultuous because you are having trouble finding your rhythm and getting on the same page as your partner, let’s take a look at how to change things.
When your relationship is so tumultuous that you keep getting dumped
If you are the one that keeps getting broken up with and you’re constantly doing everything in your power to make your ex take you back, or if you take your ex back no questions asked after each breakup, then there needs to be a shift in the power play and the dynamic between you.
If you take your ex back every time the tumultuousness of your relationship leads to a breakup, you are sending the message that things can stay the same. The problem is that you are not valuing yourself and it makes it dangerously easy for this person to take you for granted and assume that they don’t need to change any of their behavior simply because you’ll always be there.
Your ex needs to respect you and give you the type of relationship you deserve.
If you and the person you love are not currently together, don’t take them back immediately. In other words, be very careful to make sure you don’t make it easy for them to take you for granted, especially if the relationship is tumultuous between you. He or she needs to prove to you that they are worthy enough to have this relationship with you, and they need to put in the effort and show you they’re willing to work for it!
If you are currently in a tumultuous relationship and you want to make things become more stable, you’ve got to focus on becoming more independent. It is important to communicate and work through issues, but the key to healing a relationship is often making sure that you have your own things going on. If your world revolves around your significant other, then it becomes easier for the relationship to become volatile.
Make sure that you are busy with friends and family members that make you happy, make time for your passions and hobbies, don’t neglect any personal and professional goals, and always ensure that you are living an exciting life! Your world cannot revolve around another person. If it does, you begin to flirt with emotional dependency and putting your partner on a pedestal – which are the types of things that lead to a tumultuous, on and off again relationship.
Each situation is challenging and tricky, so keep in mind that we are here to help you from A to Z. If you would like one-on-one guidance with me remember of my team, all you have to do is click here. You can also leave any questions you might have in the comment section below and it would be our pleasure to personally respond to you!
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want a stable relationship with the one you love,
Adrian
