How to cope with the fear of becoming just friends with your ex

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the fear of becoming just friends with your exDuring our coaching sessions we often hear people talk about their fear of becoming just friends with their ex. The relationship ends and you are still hoping to get back together but your ex claims that they would rather be just friends.

This type of reaction can be very stressful; and the fear of falling into the friend zone or this notion of being just friends with someone that you once were intimate with is real. However like I tell most of the people that I guide along the way to enable them to reach their goals, you should embrace your ex’s desire to stay friends following a breakup!

The reality is that being friends can be a perfect path towards rebuilding a bond and ultimately getting back together.

The myth of the friend zone

Through our articles, audio seminars and eBooks, or even during our coaching sessions you will often hear The Love Coach Team at speak about the myth of the friend zone. This refers to the fear of becoming just friends with your ex following a breakup. In an ideal world the person who breaks up would want to stay in touch with their former boyfriend or girlfriend and stay on good terms and even eventually remain friends.

The reality is that it is extremely difficult to become friends with someone that you once were intimate with. Just because you have decided to separate does not mean that you won’t have a deep physical attraction to one another. After months or sometimes even years of intimacy, you and your ex have built a sort of invisible energy that attracts you to one another physically. You may feel as if you have built resentment and frustration as the relationship was ending but the truth is that this connection remains. So when trying to become just friends this physical attraction will manifest itself at some point and it will be very difficult not to be tempted to sleep together. Friends typically don’t have sex.

More than a simple physical connection, you most probably also have shared intimacy, inside jokes and a bond that goes beyond friendship. Thinking that you may be able to transition from intimacy to friendship is in reality a lot more challenging than most people realize. Based on our experience the overwhelming majority of couples don’t manage to stay friends following a breakup. The odds are that you will either stop talking to each other all together, become friends with benefits or simply get back together!

The importance of staying in touch when looking to get back with your ex

You may find it extremely difficult to engage in casual conversations with your ex after a breakup, and in some cases even silly. However the truth is that you must maintain somewhat of a communication platform with your ex if you hope to get back together. It is impossible to get back with your ex without being in touch and eventually sealing the deal face to face.

You don’t have to become friends immediately after the breakup. Sometimes it is necessary and healthy to take a bit of distance or even do a radio silence in order to regain your composure and to be able to communicate with them without resentment. Time can provide you with the necessary perspective to overcome the immediate sorrow and the shock of having been broken up with.

However you will need to reestablish contact and a healthy communication platform with your ex to win over their heart. Open dialogue will enable you to showcase changes that you have made in your life and once again seduce your ex. You will need to prove that you have regained some sort of emotional independence and that you are able to once again dream and laugh. So when looking to get back with an ex you must work through this uncomfortable step at some point and conquer your fear of becoming just friends with your ex.

Pretend to be just friends and seduce your ex

Even after all the tips and advice provided some people still have a hard time going through this step of being in touch with their ex and talking to them as if they were just friends. If you can relate to this issue the best advice that I can give you is to just pretend to be friends. Once you have regained some self-confidence and the initial shock is starting to dissipate, you can learn to play along in order to use the ability to communicate with your ex to slowly but surely start to seduce them!

Once their guard is down you can engage with them as if you were flirting together and about to date for the first time; you will have an advantage over others because you will know more about them, their personality and desires. Don’t let the fear of becoming just friends turn you into a jealous and overly possessive person either! These are negative behaviors that will only push your ex further away from you and make it more difficult for you to get back together.

On the contrary it is recommended that you play along and act as if you had completely moved on; put them in a position where you build sexual tension and flirt but at the same time don’t be too needy. Pretend as if you weren’t looking to get back with them. Humans want what they can’t have, and the fact that you seem to have moved on will only make your ex question their decision to end the relationship.

Making the transition from friendship to a renewed relationship

Once you have recreated a bond while still remaining a challenge for your ex, it is highly probable that you will be able to make a seamless transition towards becoming a couple once again. The trick is to always stay positive, to avoid any confrontation and to prove a change in regards to mistakes or wrongdoings made in the past. If you can prove to your ex, that you can make them happy and be that person that they have always dreamed of being with, they will do everything in their power to get back with you!

The mistakes that most people make is that they start to believe that they have achieved their goal of being back together once they start to sleep with their ex on a regular basis. Please do not make this same mistake. Stay focused on your end goal and on proving your changes overtime all the while letting your ex make the first move towards suggesting that you should get back together. If you follow this game plan odds are that your ex will be surprised by your attitude and approach; this positive change and detachment will make them want to commit and you will have succeeded. Not only will you have overcame the fear of becoming just friends, but you will have used this process as a means to ultimately get to your goal of being in a long term committed relationship.

If you wish to talk about your fears of becoming friends with your ex, don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts in the comment sections and one of our coaches will respond to your message!

Your coach to help you overcome your fear of becoming just friends with your ex,


42 Responses

  1. hi,
    ive been friends with my ex girlfriend for 3 months and it doesnt seem to be going anywhere. she still uses tinder and everything else above me. all of our mutual friends think im crazy for hanging out with her. im not sure how to continue.

    1. Hey Jane,
      You need to become more of a challenge to her. You also need to be going out on dates, to be social and to prove to her that you don’t need her to be happy.
      Be friendly and positive but don’t chase her.
      I can help you speed up the recovery process and provide you with a more in depth and tailored game plan if you are interested.
      Just book a private coaching session in order for us to work together.

  2. Hi,
    I broke things off with my ex about 4 months ago because we both let our emotions get in the way of the relationship, to the point we were arguing and accusing each other of things neither were doing. Just recently he reached out to me asking if maybe we could be good again( I guess be friends take things slow and see where things could go). The thing is we both still love each other but in the time of us not together he slept with a rebound girl and now she might be pregnant…. I’m lost don’t no what to do? I asked him if he has feelings for her or if he wants to be with her he said no it was hookup thing….. but if the baby comes he will take care of it…. I’m lost at what to do…. what does this mean for us?

  3. My ex girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago after a 2 year intense relationship. We were in business together and were talking about the rest of our lives. Problem was, I wasn’t taking care of myself and I was needy and insecure. I never fully healed from my previous marriage of 17 years. I’m 40 and she is 46. Right now she says she wants to be friends and we talk and text a lot and have spent some time together working on her house. It feels good, but I always want more and any time I bring it up or try to move in that direction she shuts it down and says that’s not appropriate for friends. She tells me to stop over thinking and just let it all go. I’m just so afraid of being stuck here and hurt if she starts dating someone.

    1. Hi Joe,
      Thank you for your share and I’m sorry to hear about your current situation. I think you may benefit from taking a step back from the relationship. I feel that right now she is dictating how the relationship is balanced, which isn’t advantageous for you. By removing yourself, you’ll let her know that you are in control also. If you need any assistance, I invite you to book a session with me. I can help you.
      I hope this helps!
      Coach N.

  4. My ex broke and I broke up 2 months ago. But I kept my cool and we are still friends. I set up a date with her this next Sunday. I really want her back how do I act during this date im so nervous!!!

    1. Hi Matt!
      Thank you for your share and I’m sorry to hear about your current situation. I feel like it’ll be important for you to showcase all the changes you’ve made and learned from the breakup. Let her know that you took her words seriously. This should kickstart the re-attraction. If you need help , I can support you. I have great tips that are going to help you pull this off. I invite you to book a session with me.
      All the best!
      Coach N

  5. My ex gf was seeing someone for about 9 months behind my back. She ended the relationship trying to keep it from me, because in her words “i knew this waa going to hurt you, so i didn’t want you to know the full extent” we were together 2 and a half years and through all of this, i still love her. We didn’t speak for over 3 months, but when i found out the truth, now she wants to remain civil and in contact. We talked for 2 hours on the phone, then texted the rest of the day. Nothing about us, just general conversation. Even though she betrayed me, i still want her back. She is with the person she was seeing behind me, but i feel as though her new want of communication is a way of her seeing if I’m open to the idea, and that things with him aren’t quite what she expected. What should i do?

    1. Hi Bobby,
      Thank you for your share and I’m sorry to hear about your current situation. I know how tough this can be. If she’s trying to get convo going, make sure to use this as an opportunity to show her how you’ve changed! How you’re now able to be the man she needed. If you need help communicating this without pressuring her, I can support you. I invite you to book a session with me.
      Coach N

  6. My ex broke up with me 2 months ago saying he thinks there’s no connection and spark. He cried during the breakup so I don’t believe this is the reason. He did say my trust issues and insecuitiy did cause lots of hot and cold and he believed it was too emotionally heavy for him to handle. And he believe it’s not going to work in long run.

    2 days later I wrote him a letter to achknowlege what I’ve done wrong and wish I could have done it differently. And that he motivated me to seek professional help with my issues. Wish I met him after I have dealt with this as I felt something.

    His reply was don’t be too harsh on yourself it’s just that I never developed a deep emotional connections. Since then he liked all photos and view all stories on Instagram but we haven’t communicate for a month. I know he talked about me to his best friend as his best friend viewed my stories soemtiems and we never met.

    Last month I reached out to him to ask for advise to try to break the ice. He responded to all text but not engaged emotionally nor did he try to extend the convo. Since then I try to text him once a week and still can’t get him to engage even he respond. Also I notice he no longer like every post only second post now but still view all stories.

    Should I write him another letter to tell him that I have changed? And that I only want to be friends? Thanks

    1. Hi Chelsea,
      Thank you for your share and I’m sorry to hear about your current situation. I feel like distance will be good for a few weeks before sending a letter. You have to set the stage for him to be receptive. If you need help in this , please let me know and we can set up a coaching session.
      Wishing you the best,
      Coach N

      1. Hi coach N

        Already spoke to coach Adrian and he adviced not liking / viewing anything on his Instagram for 10 days.

        Since I stopped viewing his stories he stopped posing stories. He now likes all my posts without a miss but he just wouldn’t reply to any of my previous messages. While he likes my stuff he also like many random girls stuff and follow many random girls, including random married women with children.

  7. AS usual, this stuff serves the business of getting an ex back. So you’re supposed to stay friends and yet pretend you don’t care about being more than friends. Gain trust by lying. Some of these things may work for girls trying to get back guys, but fact remains that someone has to think they are really going to lose you to see as having value again. They can’t think they are going to lose you when you are around all the time.

  8. Hello,
    My ex boyfriend now which would’ve been our 3 years this month has found someone else. He keeps insisting he doesn’t want anyone and they are just friends. He hid it from me and suggested he needed space and we would work this out. He said eventually he thinks all of his feelings would come back because he can’t just throw 3 years away. Is it just because we are only 19 he wants to experience other people? He wants to still be friends and text and hangout. Should we start no contact or should we remain friends? I am in hopes of fixing this.

  9. Hello,
    My ex and I just broke up a few weeks ago. Our 3 years would’ve been this month. However, we are only 19. It was getting pretty serious. I found out he was talking to someone else and seeing her. He said he’s happy being single and he doesn’t want anyone. He also told me eventually he hopes to work this out and fate would help us do just that if it’s meant to be. He wants to be friends and continue to hangout. Should I start no contact or continue to text him and see him? Does he see an eventually or is that just to make it look better on him? How should I approach this so that there will be a chance to try to work this out?

    1. Hi Kaitlyn,

      Thank you for your share. I know how challenging trying to fix things with your ex can be. I do feel, though, based on my professional experience, that what you truly need is going to be a bit of coaching. Your situation does seem salvageable, but it’s complex and will require a tailored strategy.

      If you’d like to book a session with me or Coach Adrian, I invite you to visit this link:

      I’m looking forward to connecting with you.


      Coach N

  10. Hello!
    My ex broke up 6 monthsago, ee stayed in touch for 4 months and also saw each other but then I was emotionally supee involved and I messed up. I was obsessive, I always asked to come back together, begging, then I continuely said “never be friends”‘. Now, after 1,5 months of NC, first she answer angrily then she does not even respond to my texts. I read the article and got the point. What can I do to re establish a friendly communication? Thx

    1. Hello fxl91!

      Thanks for reaching out.
      I think that I can help you turn things around but you will need to book a coaching session in order for us to work together.
      You can book a coaching session with me here:

      If you book a session, I will reach out to you right away to schedule a time and day for us to speak.
      Hope to chat with you soon!

      Coach Natalie

  11. My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago. We agreed to be friends but I keep telling him I still have feelings for him and I tried to get back together 3 times. He always tells me he just wants to be friends. The last time I saw him we ended up having sex (first time since breakup) but he still insisted that we’re better off as just friends. I also found out that he’s been talking to his other ex, the one before me. I found out that she has been constantly telling him that she still loves him even before my ex and I broke up! I don’t know the nature of their relationship now. Anyway, the day after I saw my ex, he texted me inviting me to hang out next week. What should I do and how should I act around him? He told me so many times that we’re better off as just friends and he doesn’t seem to want to get back together. I don’t want to make any mistakes anymore and the other ex is sort of making me feel threatened. Please help. How do I make him change his mind?

    1. Hi Summer,
      Thanks for reaching out and I”m sorry to hear about your situation. I know it’s really painful! I invite you to schedule a session with me, so we can discuss what makes sense for you in terms of next steps. Don’t worry about the ex – she’s not important.
      Coach N

  12. My ex and I broke up a little over a week ago. We’re very young but I know he was the one and i just can’t let him walk away. We did everything together you know so theres a special bond between us at least in that aspect. He seems to not be affected by the break up at all, where as i’m a complete mess. He does have a reputation for dating lots of girls. I know he’s talking to another girl already but she definitely doesn’t have feelings for him. We have texted several times since the break up and he has said that we will never be more than friends again. I really need some help.

    1. Hi Julia,
      I’m unable to help if you’re under 18, but I will ask you to try to focus on what caused the breakup. If you can identify that, you have a great shot at fixing this.
      I hope this helps!
      All the best!
      Coach N

  13. My ex and I broke up a few months ago

    We had coffee today and it was nice

    He wants to be be friends

    I want that too but I also want to think we could rebuild things and have told him this

    We have both been exploring things with other people but not really getting anywhere

    What just my approach be

  14. My ex and I broke up yesterday. We are still very in love and I am the one who messed up the relationship by pushing him away. He was talking about marraige every day and it had been a few months. I did hurt him and that was why he made this decision. He is a very good guy… He agreed he wanted to be friends whether that led us to a new beginning of being together or continuing to be best friends. He wants to see that I have changed and that he doesn’t have to be afraid to be with me because of my emotional instability, I started therapy. Is there a different approach I should take ? I think this person is my soulmate and I don’t want to lose them

  15. my ex i broke up about 7 months ago we went without speaking 5 months. and then we spoke again but didn’t end well because my feelings got the best of me and i couldn’t be just friends with someone i still love. Went a month without talking and now we’re back hanging out, cuddling, and stuff like that. He says he feels comfortable with me, still is attracted to me, and says he cares for me still. Also added in how he can possibly gain the feeling some back for me again. Do you think he won’t want to be in a relationship with me if we’re friends because as friends we’re seeing eachother, cuddling, etc so what’s the point of commitment? Have any advice?

  16. Hello Bill,
    Thank you for your comment. It seems as though your ex lost the spark sometime along the way. I would invite you to workout, involve yourself in activites, and concentrate on getting the Bill she fell in love with. We can give you a taliored game plan with one of our coaching sessions and get more context around the relationship. I invite you to reach out if you feel called to.
    Coach Adrian

  17. Hello Henry,
    It seems like she has full control of this relationship and I encourage you to gain some control back to this relationship. I invite you to explore our YouTube channel as we have a lot of free content around this. Also, I have something else that may help.
    YouTube: LoveAdviceTV
    WMEA Team

  18. Hello Shaila,
    Without the dynamics of the relationship its hard for me to give advice on this. What I can tell you is if he still loves you and misses you then being friends may be the way to get back together. Just take things slow and don’t be too available for him.
    WMEA Team

  19. Hello Jaime,
    Dating other people wouldn’t be a bad idea. I would show him that you are being his friend but also you need to prove a point that you will not be waiting around for him. I would focus on you and socialize a bit more. Not be too available for him as well. If you would like a tailored approach to get to your goal please reach out to us here.
    WMEA Team

  20. Hi , my boyfriend and I lived together for almost nine years ( would’ve been the end if this month January) he just recently broke up with me and I loved out January 1st..he’s reason was that I didn’t give him enough attention because I work two jobs and that I didn’t attend any of his family events because I was always working . I work two jobs so I work Monday thru Sunday .I also have 3 kids 22,21 and 17 .The older kids are away at college and the younger one graduates this year from HS.My ex says that I work because I support my kids ( which is true I feel I have to because they are way studying anyways ..he feels we just grew apart and said he didn’t love me anymore ..I was very hurt of course .at first he didn’t want anything to do with me not look at me or call me , recently we have been hanging out , dinners and watching movies with my 17 y/o question is should I let this go or should I continue to hold on in hopes that we get back together ?

    1. Hello Yen,
      I wouldn’t be too available for him. Show him a new side of you. Positivity and confidence is going to be key. Set some boundaries so he dosen’t have everything a relationship offers without the title.
      WMEA Team

  21. My relatonship was ended by my girlfriend in october after 7 months of me trying to make sure that she was the one who i was gonna spend my life with and we still say and loved eachother over those 7 months but she says i hurt her so badly over those seven months. I tried to convince her to get back with me in late november after she took me out on my bday and then in december she was different and said she didnt want to be in a relationship with me. I tried for a month to convince her to come back to me even after she asked me for space and i didnt contact her too much but it was enough to annoy her. Anyway two days ago i tried telling her id take baby steps with her and then she just said it might just be time to move on. I asked why and she said she wouldnt be ready for a relationship anytime soon and i asked why and she said because she didnt see that future with me anymore or see herself with me anymore and that i caused anxiety and didnt care about what she wanted. She said she still cared and loved me still but said that we maybe better as friends. Of course that speared my heart and it upset me but she said maybe along the road we can get back together or make something happen. My grandparents and my own brother have known people to come back from similar situations in which they became friends with their ex and then ended up marrying them.. Do i still have a chance to accomplish this or have i shot my chances? Im willing to do anything and to pursue because i know shes worth it.

    1. Hello Robert,
      Yes, I believe you can. You will just need to show her through actions and not words anymore. This EBook gives you the step by step process on how to do this. We also have three letters that you can use yourself to give to your ex as time goes on. We do not suggest to do this immediately. Read the book and you will have more details and understand the direction to go. 🙂
      WMEA Team

  22. My girlfriend ended our 2 year relationship because she says she cant love me the same way i love her and she doesnt know if she has feelings for a new guy. She still says I’m the most important person in her life and her best friend. And that she cant functiom without me. She says that we fight too much and last time we got back together because the fighting stopped and we were happy. But this time she’s not sure. Especially with a new guy added to the mix. What do i do?

    1. Hello John,
      You have to show her confidence through your actions and also do not be too available for her. Depending on the reason for your breakup the tailored advice would come in. Please reach out to us so we can speak with you about this as I think its still possible to get her back.
      WMEA Team

  23. I met my boyfriend and then lived together for one summer when we decided that I should move in. Then, we were in a long distance relationship for over 1.5 years, due to immigration issues as we are not from the same country. When we finally got to live together, I became really angry and full of bad feelings because I expected things to be easier regarding job and hence my personal finances, I became my worst version with no friends, no job, uncertainty and even got a lot of extra pounds, I wasn’t myself anymore.
    My ex is a really nice guy and he supported me for those two years, although I kept trying (and failing) to get my life back together, but I blame him for my conditions and became violent.
    Finally, six months ago, he told me he didn’t love me anymore but I didn’t want to leave his house because I felt it like a failure. Last October, I finally got a job, although it’s not a good one, at least it gives me the chance to financially breath in peace every month. I really wanted to change but at this point, it was too easy to get angry for both of us. We hated that part of our relationship. Despite of that, during the latest months, after his “confession”, we had a really great time together, travelled a bit, had an amazing sex life and healthy activities together, moreover, we helped each other with our own goals. But his mind was all set, and we both cried a lot when he broke up with me and I moved out to go back to my country for a three months research program. His reason: he needs to put his life back together and be alone.That was only a couple of weeks ago.
    I’ve finally decided I want to go back to the city where he still lives because I have a simple job and I have school commitments there, so it seems like a better option than to go back to the uncertainty.
    I want to be his girlfriend again, but I don’t want to go back to live with him, so no matter what, I’m getting my own place now.
    We chat or talk every other day… my reason: I don’t want to close windows… I told him I’m going back in two months, and he offered me his place for one week as he won’t be there. I know it’s insane to keep talking to him and even more, to consider his offer, as that will make things even harder for me. I know I should ask him what he wants, but I already know the answer.
    I am trying to be positive and just let the situation be, but I am hurting myself and prolonging my pain by letting him have all the power. Again, I know the answer… patience and to stop hurting yourself and go for a clean break, but I need somebody else to tell me the path, would you?

  24. Quick question. I’ve heard the team promote both no contact AND staying friends. In a situation where I got broken up with because I was very neglectful and distant, am I better off doing one or the other? I’ve tried no contact for a month but it never goes more than a few days before she reaches out and tells me not to go, that she wants to be friends for the time being and is just very confused and doesn’t trust that I’ve changed. Thank you guys for everything.

  25. he said he’s not ready for relationship but still loves me. he wants to. e friends with benefits and wants us to be exclusive with each other sexually. i was needy when he tried to pull away and i think that’s why he broke it off initially. i try no contact but cannot get past two weeks and he sounds so happy when i reach out. he says we have history and is not looking for another woman. he answers every text and phone call and we are also long distance

    i feel like i believe him but don’t want to reinforce i don’t value myself by giving him exactly what he wants when he is not giving me exactly what i want

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