How to get back with your ex if you are still having sex

How to get back with your ex if you are still having sexIt is very common for people to breakup but still continue to have sex together. Hooking up on a regular basis despite the fact that your ex has decided to end the relationship can lead to both confusion and frustration.

Many people get stuck in such a situation not knowing how to break the mold one way or the other because of the fear of losing their ex all together; Is it better to make a stand and refuse to continue having sex with them until you get some sort of commitment or should you continue to have intimate moments and hope that your ex change their mind?

In this article we will give you some tips to provide some perspective and clarity; the goal here is to empower you to enable you to come out of a state of fear, to make an educated decision and reclaim your share of the balance of power.

Don’t confuse sex with emotional attachment

It is important for you to understand that maintaining a sexual relationship with an ex does not mean that you are necessarily closer to your goal of ultimately getting back together! It is easy for people to feel as if they are rebuilding a bond with their ex because they are once again sleeping together. Sex simply means that a deep physical attraction still remains between the two of you. This physical attraction can be somewhat independent of the emotional attachment that you are looking to rebuild.

The fact that you still have strong feelings for your ex actually makes the process of sleeping with them quite dangerous. You are more invested than they are and you also have different expectations. You must be really careful and have a game plan to ensure that your actions are thought out. If you are currently going through a similar experience please ensure that you temper your expectations and don’t simply keep going with the flow hoping to see where this experience may lead you.

Try to deeply analyze how these sexual encounters are taking place. Was it a one time incident or are you guys hooking up on a regular basis? Is alcohol playing a part in these encounters or are you sleeping together sober? Taking a step back and figuring out answers to some of these questions can only help you be more aware of the dynamic that you currently engaged in; this will in turn enable you to make the right decisions and put you in the best possible circumstances to get back with your ex.

Use physical intimacy to your advantage

Simply because physical attraction and emotions are not necessarily linked does not mean that you cannot use this intimacy to your advantage in your pursuit to get back with your ex-husband or wife. You must really look to put your best foot forward and make the sexual experiences as pleasurable as possible for both parties.

Try to keep these moments together drama free and positive. Stay away from arguments and breakaway from past conflicts. In essence you should do everything in your power to make every encounter with your ex enjoyable. You will need to display a change in your behavior and overall attitude towards them; if you are able to do so in a positive manner they will slowly start to question whether breaking up was the right move.

Make sure that you stay true to your values

It is of the utmost importance that you do not do things that go against your core beliefs just to please your ex. If you look to change who you are and your essence in the hopes to sway them back, your ex will not only see right through you but will also unconsciously be less attracted to you for not standing up for your beliefs.

Most people are at their finest, and are most attractive when engaged in their passions, hobbies or living in the moment while engaging in something that they are passionate about. You are probably no different. So take our word for it and do what you love to do and take pleasure in doing so. Also do not pretend to be someone you are not just to please your ex.

In some cases you may want to stop and distance yourself

If you no longer represent a challenge for your ex and you are at their mercy or under their thumb we highly recommend that you take some distance and stop sleeping with them all together. You will know that a change is needed if you always say yes when they reach out to you, if you sit by the phone waiting to hear from them or if you are unable to carry out your daily life (work, family or other commitments).

In such cases sleeping together is actually causing you more harm than good and you will have a very difficult time getting your ex to commit to you. Simply put you are offering them the best of what a relationship can bring them without having a voice by letting them set all the ground rules. You are playing a game in which you have no control and you are simply loosing face.

A simple decision like refusing to sleep with them until the relationship is more in tuned with your expectations can alter the dynamic and enable you to regain control. You have to be strong and not let your emotions dictate your actions. In order to get your ex to commit to you, you will have to force them out of their comfort zone; force them to make a choice. Either the rules of the game change or they risk losing you forever. In order for this to work out in your favor you must also not fear losing them and be willing to let go. You will need to have discipline and be extremely patient to give them time to miss you and ultimately want to be with you. This can be the key to getting back with your ex if you are still having sex with them.

Take control

Realize that you remain in control of your destiny through your choices and your actions. You can thus dictate or at the very least have a say in how your relationship will ultimately shape out. Do not live in fear and do not be reactive in regards to your ex. Use this physical intimacy to your advantage, understand the intricacies of your present situation and stay true to your core values. Ultimately you may have to distance yourself to engage in a new dynamic in order to change the outcome in your favor and get back with your ex.

If you are still sleeping with your ex and are looking to seal the deal and get back into an exclusive long term relationship with them please share your thoughts or questions in the comments section below. Our team of coaches will answer your comments and guide you in the right direction!

Your coach to help you get back with your ex if you are still having sex together,


  • Diamond Melvin

    Hello me in my ex started back talking this yr in may everything was good between the too of use until we started having sex. I started finding things out in he kept coming back he got engaged in still was around. We’ve had a differences in the past when we dated but since we just been friends in having sex things have realllh changed. We talk about the past every time we’re together. We tell each other how we love care still have feelings protect pray for each other. But its just the sex I think is tearing use apart I asked him how long could he go without he said tbh he can’t in he don’t know in don’t know why . I just need some help on our behalf.

    • CoachAdrian

      Hey Diamond,
      Sorry it took so long to get back to you, I was preparing a 3 day conference in France. Right now your ex has the best of both worlds, and no incentive to commit. He already has everything that he could wish for, without having to make you his. You need to pull back and to force his hand…either he will lose you for good or he needs to make it official. Nothing will change unless you are strong enough to pull away. Stop having sex and see where is heart truly lies.
      Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if need be.

  • Jade Beeston

    Hi, me and my ex broke up two months or so ago and have slept together a few times since then. We also speak to each other quite a lot during the week as he claims he wants to be friends and doesn’t want to loose me completely. He will sometimes start a new conversation with me when I tell him I’ll speak to him another time and will get me gifts from his holidays. Sometimes I can’t work out his behaviour towards me as one day he will be pally with me and sometimes he ignores me. I want to see where his heart lies with me but i don’t want to loose him completely just yet. I was thinking of starting no contact for a month or so to see if he speaks to me in between and wants to be in my life.

    • CoachAdrian

      Hey Jade, you don’t have to go with a complete No contact, just make him chase you a bit and show him that he is no longer a priority. You don’t even need to stop sleeping with him to be honest, only to make sure that you do so on your own time and that you are more detached than he is. You can even go as far as hint that you are dating other people in order to confront him with the fear of loss…. he will start to do everything to make you his.
      Good luck!

  • Jessi mill

    Hi, my ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago. After the breakup we ended up getting an apartment together so now we are living together. I dont talk about the break up with him bc it makes him angry for some reason. He is the one who ended the relationship but he is also the one who suggested the apartment. We still sleep together on a regular basis. We spend our free time together unless he is with friends. He still will refer to me to co workers and family as his gf and doesnt correct anyone when they call me his gf. He makes jokes when he sees old couples that it is us in the future. But then he will still say we are broken up when i try to talk about it. I’m very confused and dont know how to get him fully back. I need help!

  • CoachAdrian

    Hey Jessi,
    You can’t let him have his cake and eat it too! You need to take control and stop accepting the status quo out of fear of losing him.
    Please book a coaching session in order for me to help you turn things around and to get him to commit!

  • Girl

    Hi there, me and my ex broke up three weeks ago, of a year relationship. We started talking again last night. I texted him first. A few days ago, we were chatting about how great our sex was and then he told me he just want sex from me and said “I don’t want anything more at this stage”. We will meet up just for sex, no other expectation. We are in long distance and basically he said we will be flying to see each other, just to have sex. I was hurt. He knows that I have other expectations from him. And he knows that I’m dying to meet him, to be honest i don’t care about sex, just want to be in his arm. Who will spend hundreds of dollars just to have sex with ex to whom he does not have feeling anymore? I don’t know what to do. I want him back and seems like he has no feeling for me whatsoever. Do you see any chance of getting back together. Please advise me!

    • CoachAdrian

      Hey lady,
      Thanks for sharing your story.
      If I were you I would distance myself from him and turn down this request to meet just for sex. You have to value yourself and be the strong one. He is clearly still very attracted to you if he is willing to jump on a plane just to sleep together. Use that to your benefit and to become a challenge to him once again. You are the prize, make sure that you value yourself as such! He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
      Be strong, control your emotions and the urge to reach out and he will come back around!

  • Kathy Zufall

    My ex and I broke up 6 months ago.we lived together until July and continue to have was weekly until he met this girl 4 weeks ago..because I snooped..I know she hasn’t slept with him…yet..when they first got together.he started telling me we shouldn’t be hanging out to much..but after 3 weeks of NO sex with him..he has come back to me for sex..he still hangs with her and calls her babe..but no sex with her..I want her to know he cis still having sex with me..bad idea?

    • CoachAdrian

      Bad idea!
      Let’s work together to turn things around.

      • Kathy Zufall

        Hey coach Adrian..since my last post..we are still having weekly he texted me that he feels like I still want to be a couple but it’s not gonna happen..I told him I moved on and have been dating…his reply..glad to hear that.maybe we can get together sooner than Wednesday…is he testing me?jealous?..or was he expecting another response?..I want him back…ps..he claims “she” is not his girlfriend..otherwise he wouldn’t spend time with me

        • CoachAdrian

          I think that he is pushing your buttons and knows that you are still after him. Book a coaching session in order for us to really put the right actions in place so that you can win him back.

  • Hannah Read

    Hi there, my boyfriend and I are 23 and have been together for 6 years with a 2 year old son. We ARE best friends, even he said it. He said he enjoys my company and seeing his son at home, but doesn’t know what he wants in life because we settled down so early. He now is regretting not sleeping with more women and “partying like his friends tell him stories about”. He left almost 2 weeks ago, and because of our son we have constant contact, we are civil, intent on trying to be friends and for my sake trying to get him back. I love our family and don’t want any of this. I’ve tried balancing keeping distance and letting him talk to me first, and not pushing him for answers, but the other night I told him it might be fun to be friends with benefits, and we slept together. I’ve been back and forth with if this was a good idea.
    What’s the best route for me to take to keep my family together? He still from time to time says he still doesn’t know what he wants and that’s why he left, because its “not fair to me for him to be half committed”.
    Help ?

  • CoachAdrian

    Hey Hannah,
    There is a lot for us to work with here.
    Please book a session in order for us to get to work and get it done!

    • Diana

      I’m in almost the same exact situation …I’d like some help and the same advice you’d give Hannah

  • Emma

    My ex and i broke up 5months ago.
    We tried to get back together after a month or so but the arguing was still present so we distanced ourselves and had a few weeks without speaking. We are back to chatting almost every day. He is very busy and said he does not have time for a relationship with me or anyone currently. I have made it clear that i understand he doesnt see a future and he has corrected me its just right now. We both havent slept with anyone else and have been thinking of casually sleeping with one another.
    He said hes unsure as he does not want me to get attached or hurt. Will sleeping with my ex be a bad idea until he is ready for more or am i fooling myself? Help please.

    • CoachAdrian

      Hey Emma,
      If you are still very attached it could be very dangerous to sleep with him. You could get very emotional and push him away.
      Reach out to me in order for us to figure out an alternative plan and win him back without having to put you in a vulnerable situation by sleeping together.

  • janet

    My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago and we tried not talking at all, however we could only go two days without talking. He broke up with me because he said he is unhappy in his life right now and that he has to figure his life out and that he doesnt want to drag me down too. He says he still loves me. I still love him to. He just got tired of us fighting lately and thinks we are too different. However I still wanna be with him. I just am confused on what to do. We talked and I asked him if he wants to hang out and be friends and have sex sometimes. He said he doesnt want to do that because he doesn’t wanna make it harder for either of us, but I convinced him to hang out with me. We started having sex and hanging out. He has been worried that we both won’t be able to move on if we continue to do this. I told him that I still want him in my life and he said he still wants me in his. He just doesn’t understand why I can have sex with him without feeling guilty. He told me that me having sex with him confuses him and he wants to have sex but is worried it will make it hard for him and me in the future. I wanna be with him. I wanna get back together with him I just dont know how. I have tried everything.

  • janet

    My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago and we tried not talking at all, however we could only go two days without talking. He broke up with me because he said he is unhappy in his life right now and that he has to figure his life out and that he doesnt want to drag me down too. He says he still loves me. I still love him to. I just am confused on what to do. We talked and I asked him if he wants to hang out and be friends and have sex sometimes. He said he doesnt want to do that because he doesn’t wanna make it harder for either of us, but I convinced him to hang out with me. We started having sex and hanging out. He has been worried that we both won’t be able to move on if we continue to do this. I told him that I still want him in my life and he said he still wants me in his. He just doesn’t understand why I can have sex with him without feeling guilty. He told me that me having sex with him confuses him and he wants to but is worried it will make it hard for him in the future. I wanna be with him. I wanna get back together with him I just dont know how. I have tried everything.

  • Tracy

    Hello Adrian,
    Me and my ex have been together for 9 months. We broke up about a month ago. When we were together everything was perfect. My ex however has very bad communication skills where he never called or text me first. For the a little bit I thought he was cheating on me but then one day I was able to crack into his phone and found out he was talking to nobody… what a relief. I comfront him about his bad communication skills but got mad at me and told me that he has already give me enough attention and he doesn’t need to baby me 24/7… Before I dated him I was with a different ex and I lived with him. I left that ex for my current ex. I moved out of my ex house 3 months later due to money issues. I never cheated. One day out of the blue my ex2 (lets call him ex2 and the guy who broke up with me is ex1) texted me. We been texting each other and start catching up. Then we got closer but as friends. I started hanging out with ex2. At first I will tell ex1 that I was going to hang out with ex2 but everytime I do he gets very upset and we argue. It got so bad that ex1 will give me a curfew whenever I go to ex2 house. I never cheated. We’re literally just friends. I started lying to ex1 about where I’m going… I feel awful about it but I do it because I don’t want to upset him. Months later we broke up. I never understand why we broke up. One day I was taking a vacation and accidently left my phone. I called ex1 and asked him to bring my phone over at the airport. Ex1 broke into my phone and read ALL of my text messages with me and ex2. He read all of the rants I said about ex1, read all the plans I made with him, saw all photos of ex1 (vacation photos when we used to date), he looked through my download history, he looked through my browser history. Everything. He confronted me and started crying. I lied to him… I told him I was sorry for lying. He told me the truth why he broke up with me. He told me he felt like I was never his. I cried really hard. Out of anger. I was angry because when we were together I was always by his side and give him the most affection. I would go out of my way for him but yet he won’t do the same. I do so much for ex1 and it hurt to be told I don’t noticed your work. There’s numbers of time I would cancel plans with ex2 just to hang out with ex1. Numbers of time. I planned theropy for us.

    Last week he came over for theropy. It was the first time I saw him. We went to my room and had sex. We end up not going to theropy. He stayed for 2 nights. We had sex a total of 12 times. I felt my boyfriend again. When we have sex we would kiss a lot and look into each other eyes and say I love you. Afterwards we cuddle and watch a movie. I wanted my boyfriend back more than anything. I thought doing this was the key to come back. He went home.

    I called and ask how is he doing. He told me he hated every second we have sex and every time we do he wants to bang his head against the wall. I cried and ask him why did he do it. He told me it was a distraction. I asked him why did you look at me in the eye and say I love you. He told me its because it remind him of our goodtime and he misses it from the bottom of his heart… I cried and I feel emotionally distress. I think about him everyday even before he came over. He told me lets stop having sex and I feel awful because everytime I have sex with him I feel our emotional connection. Like things were the way they used to be. He told me he didn’t wanted to go to the theropy anymore. I bawled. He confronted me with my last lie. I lied to him that I was going to visit my family up north. He caught my lie and found out that I was flying over to a concert with ex2. He than hang up and I have been broken ever since. Im lost and I don’t know what to do. I love my ex from the bottom of my heart. Even before we broke up. I want to hold him again like we used too…

  • Melanie

    My ex and I were together for 7 months, and broke up 11 days ago. I suggested still sleeping together and so we get together every couple days. He stays for a while, naked and cuddling me, and we talk about what each other is up to. It still feels there is a really strong connection, but he had broken up with me because he doesn’t feel as strongly for me as I do for him. What should I do?

  • Alexis

    Hello! Its been 6 months since my ex and I have seen each other. My ex and I have been together for 2 years, with a 4 month break in the middle of that because I was an ass. But, we were together a year after that and I moved to Califnoria and he went to college in Minnesota. The last month before we were moving we were both trying to spread ourselves out between seeing our family, friends and each other. I was getting very stressed out about the long distance thing. Him and I have been inseparable since the day I met him. I panicked about a week before I moved and ended things, within about 4 hours after ending I asked for him back. But he was to distressed and overwhelmed. So I moved to cali and he went to college, their are occasional conversations over text atlas twice a month to catch up. We snapchat. Ive been in love with him this whole time and have gotten signs from God that I asked for. My heart keeps telling me to not let go and hold on and wait. So thats what I did. About a week ago I came back to FL and he asked to see me, we have a very strong physical attraction and when I got to his house it was like we had never broken up. We were laughing so hard and making jokes. He was calling me baby and kissing my forehead. The sex was amazing, we never went to sleep. He came over last night and he seemed like he had a lot on his mind. He was quiet at first and just kissing me and rubbing my skin. I put on Kung Fu panda when we were having sex and we stopped to watch bc we love it… lol. and then we had sex after the movie and cuddled until we fell asleep. He calls me baby and I know in my heart he’s feelings are there. But why doesn’t he wanna say it. We had a beautiful relationship and didn’t end on bad terms. He says one thing and then acts another way. Can someone please help… I want to marry this man haha. Could it be because he goes back to college so far away??? Is it me??

    • Coach natalie

      Hi Alexis,
      Thank you for your share. I’m sorry to hear about the situation you’re in, I know how tricky it can be when you’re determining how to get an ex back if you’re still having sex and in your case, are also living far apart from one another. At this stage in your lives, it’s normal to feel confusion about what to do. You’re young, in college, and a newfound freedom, but are also in love with your ex from back home. This can’t be any easier for him than it is for you (men just express things differently). I think that there’s no need to rush into something right now; focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place. It’s clear he still loves you. During this time, though, I encourage you not to sleep with him – it’s important that he knows that you aren’t a vacation experience and being with you means being with all of you.
      I hope this helps.
      Coach N.

  • Logan

    Hi. Me & my ex have hooked up 5 times now. We were dating and it was really good. All of a sudden she broke up with me saying her feelings had changed. It was really confusing because just a week ago she couldnt get enough of me. We never slept together while dating but a week after we broke up we met up to “talk” ended up hooking up & now we have done it a few times. Come to find out she was a virgin!! Im so confused i still have feelings for her & never have done this!!!