Should I give my ex an ultimatum to make him come back?

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give my ex an ultimatumAre you starting to get frustrated by the fact that you’re no longer with the man you love? Do you want to get back with your ex boyfriend right away and are tired of waiting? Are you looking for the best possible way to make him commit again? Going through a breakup is hard and I understand how you can start to become impatient when the man you love isn’t showing any interest in getting back together.

If you are asking yourself how to “give my ex an ultimatum” to force him to get back together or to know where you stand, than this article is for you! I am going to share unique insights learned during my numerous one on one coaching sessions with women who ask themselves the same questions that you are ask yourself.

Is giving your ex boyfriend an ultimatum even a good idea?

If you have reached the point where you are considering giving your ex an ultimatum you are either being impatient or you must feel that you have been chasing him for far too long following a breakup. Trying to force his hand can be counterproductive because you cannot force him to want to be with you. Even if you are successful in convincing him to give you a second chance, the way by which you would reach your goal could become a problem moving forward. Your ex will resent the fact that you pressured him into getting back together and he may feel that he wasn’t ready for it.

An ultimatum can be done in various ways; You can tell your ex that this is his last chance to potentially get back together otherwise you intend on moving on and never speak to him again; or you could start to flirt with other men and try to make him jealous in order to cause a reaction. I have also seen other women try to pressure their ex through mutual friends and family members. No matter how you intend to go about it, I usually don’t recommend that you use an ultimatum as a means of getting back with the one you love. There are better and more effective ways to make your ex want to get back with you on his own!

Should I give my ex an ultimatum if it isn’t the first breakup?

You may be less patient if it isn’t the first breakup; I have spoken to numerous women who lost their cool following the third, fourth or even fifth breakup and wanted to force their man to change and get back with them all at once. How many times have I heard: “I have to give my ex an ultimatum to make him realize that I am not messing around this time and that I will walk away if he continues to act this way;” although I understand their frustration and desperation, I am still not convinced it is the best way to go if you are really hoping to be in a stable long term relationship with your significant other!

If you have broken up with your ex multiple times it means that you are facing deep rooted issues that need to be addressed before considering getting back together. There’s no point in trying to force the issue and to pretend like everything is ok, otherwise you will end up breaking up yet again. If you do not change the dynamic and fix the real issues how can you expect to be happy together? An ultimatum can be effective in some situations where you have done everything to prove to your ex that you are the one that can make him happy in the long run; but after multiple breakups I really advise you to stay away from this approach, otherwise you may end up hurting you and your ex more than anything else.

The best ways to make him want to get back together

To convince your ex to get back together you simply need to prove to him that you can make him happy in the long run. The trick is that in order to do this successfully you cannot be do it through words or even by doing actions for your ex. You need to change for you, for your own well-being and to be at peace with yourself. It is by being fulfilled on your own that you can quickly make your ex want to be with you; and to share some of that positive energy that you will have re-discovered.

Most people are focused exclusively on their ex; and you too are probably obsessing about being with him again. But the more you worry about him and the less you will focus on what you need to do to feel better and to change for your sake and ultimately for your relationship’s. You need to give your ex space to miss you and to want to be with you. Most people make the mistake of being overbearing and doing too much to show that they care and that they deserve another chance because they really love their ex. But he doesn’t care about that! All he wants is to be happy and to be with someone that will make him feel good about himself, someone that he can project himself in the future with and envision happiness.

Don’t try to use fear or an ultimatum to become that person; Change and once again be the one that you were at the beginning of your relationship when you seduced and inspired him to commit to you. Your relationship will only work if your ex chooses to be with you, by his own free will. If you try to force him into getting back together it will backfire sooner or later.

If you have questions or want to share what you are going through with other readers don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts in the comments section below. I will be sure to respond to every comment received and give you tailored feedback and a viable alternative to a potential ultimatum.

The coach to reach out too when debating whether to give him an ultimatum to get back together,



6 Responses

  1. hmmm…a part of me believes love is messy, the world doesn’t work in ultimatums. Another part thinks it can and should be simple- if he cares for me, he should fight for me/we should be together.

    I’ve been broken up with my ex for about 5 months. We haven’t communicated much. A month ago we began..this lead to a 2 hour texting convo last week (he didn’t want me to call) where he shared with me that although he didn’t show it at the time he was hurt from our breakup, that every corner he turned he saw how purposefully he lost a future with me (he was the one who broke it off), he didn’t have answers, he was seeing someone and wanted to see it through -but he saw a future with me..definitely mixed message. I told him I wasn’t sure where I was at, but I was scared he’d prob turn around too late and confused he didn’t want to fight for me now bla bla…I asked to call him today as I’m leaving soon for break, we talked for about an hour. about all sorts of things…I thought I was going to give him an ultimatum. shake him and tell him that if he was unhappy and cared for me he shouldn’t be with this other girl and we should try to re-acquaint…when it came down to it I could hear how sincerely he didn’t have answers. He told me he still cared but wasn’t ready. He also said this other girl was young and that maybe me pushing him for an answer will make him have a conversation with her about whether or not it was serious- and that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. suddenly I didn’t want to push him, I asked if he wanted space to figure things out with her? did he want me to disappear? he said no, he wanted the door open….I told him it was hard for me, hurtful….we left it at that, in this in between of we are communicating and figuring out what we want. thing is HE”S DATING ANOTHER GIRL. SOOO what do I do?? let it be, txt and flirt and give him “space” until he figures out what he wants (while trying to live my life and date if possible)…..or I’m thinking after some time of reflection (a few weeks or so for both of us to digest)- It might be fair of me to give him an ultimatum. Either me or her sort of thing….because it is painful for me and I don’t want to wait around etc etc…and it’s probably for the best for him too…

    1. Hi G,
      Thank you for your share and I’m sorry to hear about your current situation. I think you’re commenting under the right article (Should I give my ex an ultimatum to get him back?) because I think you need to distance yourself. Your boyfriend will not know how important you are to him and the value you add to his life if you don’t let him miss you. I know it’s painful and not what you want to hear, but it’ll make all the difference! Believe in how great and valuable you are! If you need any help on how to handle this, I encourage you to book a session with myself or Adrian. We’re here to help!
      Coach N.

  2. Im in a situation like this. Me and my ex have been apart for about 2 yrs now and we have two children together. So we have always had some sort of contact but only for the kids. Shes done a lot of things to me thats why we split. Shes been with a couple of guys since, and is currently with a guy that she says means nothing to her… My question is should i give her an ultimatum? I was going to tell her that if she really cares about me and truly wants any kind of relationship she needs to let him go and start hanging out with me or she will lose me for good. I was going to give her maybe a couple of days to think it over. Any thoughts, suggestions, or comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

    1. Hi Loothoarder,
      Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear about your current situation. I know from experience that you need tailored support and a list of concrete steps to take to reach your goal. To get there we’ll need to dedicate time and interact in the most optimal way possible to have the desired results and truly maximize your chances of success.
      I invite you to schedule a session with me so I can learn more about your situation and can provide the answers you need.
      Coach N

  3. My husband asked for space he said he needed time to think and I let him go promising to wait for him. He has been gone 2 weeks he comes and goes as he pleases because we have a 1yr old he wants to see. I try to hug him or give him a kiss and he rejects me. During his free time he is out living the single life while I pray to keep myself sane. I have begged and pleaded for our 1year olds sake to work the marriage out because I still love him but I now he has fallen out of love with me. He only tells me to respect his wishes and gives me a friend pep talk of how I can be better and to not make things harder. He says he doesnt doubt my love he is just tired of the constant fights and doesn’t believe things can change since we have been together for 8 years. I feel hurt and in limbo because everything he asks for I give hoping he will see and come back. Today I couldnt do it anymore and I gave him an ultimatum of working things out with me or letting go for good. I cling to hope and question did I do the right thing? He said he needed to think about it and said 2 have an answer in 2 days and mean while I wait and he still comes and goes as he pleases.

    1. Hi Mirna,
      Thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear about this situation. It’s important for you to reflect on what you will and what you will not accept. This is your life too. Remember this. If you need help having these sorts of conversations with him, I can help.
      Coach N.

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