When a client tells me, “My ex is not the same since the breakup” I often ask them back, “Well… haven’t you changed too? In one way or another?” They might say no, but that is only because they have been too caught up in their own thoughts and emotions to notice their own changes and how it has affected their environment. Truly, at least these perceived changes have caused you to pause, take a look around and at yourself, and examine your life, not just accept it for what it is at face value. It may hurt, but this is what we call growth.
You are not growing if you are not uncomfortable. I then have to give them a reality check, which is why they seek out our service, and tell them that they can’t expect the people and the world around them to stay the same, especially after such a profound experience such as a breakup. Change is a part of life. Life is change, and therefore people change, all the time and all around us. Realizing your ex changed may hurt at first, but it isn’t a bad thing and you should use it as an opportunity for growth. And I want to help you understand and familiarize yourself with this ever-present, yet always unnoticed, subtle phenomenon of change.
How my ex changed after break-up : 5 things to know
Me ex i snot the me : This is completely normal
It is quite common if your ex has changed completely overnight after a breakup. Think about how often it is encouraged for a person to either change their hairstyle or get a new wardrobe after a breakup. Post-breakup, people just want to shake it off and feel good again. And the quickest and easiest way to do that is to change the thing that is most in front of them: their reflection. In this respect, change is welcomed and appreciated. The difference though is that this is a purposeful and deliberate change, over which the person executing it has total control.
Your ex is running away from bad feelings of the breakup
Breakups involve getting over pain and discomfort that resulted from the end of a relationship. A lot of people are reluctant to willingly accept these feelings for fear of not being able to handle them. They are just trying to flee from it. And if they can’t, they’ll look for other avenues of relief such as a change in usual patterns of behavior. If you wonder, “how my ex changes after the break-up,” you will find that sometimes exes will do things or act in way that goes against their previous values.
For example, they will all of a sudden be more or less active on social media, more as a way to pump themselves up, reconnect with old friends, or show you that they are doing perfectly fine without you. Less if they just want to be recluse, or make sure you have no way of seeing how they are or what they are up to. Or you may find yourself saying, “My ex changed his number” after you try to reach out to them and get another person or no response at all. Or your ex can introduce a new partner quickly to their family, whereas before they would have taken their time in order to really drive the point home that you two are over.
They want to prove to themselves and the world they were serious
Exes change to prove that they are serious about breaking up and to show their world that they meant what they said and did it. If you’re telling yourself, “I feel like my ex has changed,” you can maybe interpret the change as an overreaction to the break up. If they were the ones who called for the break up, their change in behavior is meant to signal that they are not the same person anymore and that you should no longer be attracted to them or want to be with them, because the person you were with no longer exists.
If they were broken up with, their changes are to prove to themselves and their peers that they are capable of withstanding this temporary discomfort and continue moving on with their lives. Not only are they capable of moving on, they are eager to and are looking to accelerate this personal change and growth, hence why it comes off as so sudden and extreme.
Their change is a message directed at you
Sometimes, a breakup is so hurtful, so impactful, that it makes your ex want to do something of equal impact, and make sure that the impact is directed at mostly you. Usually, that message is, “We’re never getting back together!” Your ex might want to make you say “my ex changed” so that you don’t get any false expectations or ideas about potentially getting back together.
They want to let you know they are someone totally different now, and that you’ve made them become someone else from who they were before. At worst, they are even trying to repel you through their changed appearance and behavior, for example adopting a look they know you hate, or talking a certain way or saying things that you would not approve of.
Your ex has nothing to lose by trying a change
When breakups are really bad and devastating, it is totally possible and likely for a person to go through a period of feeling like they’ve lost it all. A lot of people define themselves and their identity through their relationship, and when that is over, it’s like they have nothing left. They might have lost touch with some friends, alienated others, made sacrifices, both willing and unwilling, and after a breakup they may wonder, if it was all worth it just to end up with nothing.
And as Leonardo DiCaprio said in Titanic, “When you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose.” So why not start the climb up from rock bottom on new footing? Why not use this opportunity to take risks and do things your ex has never done before or try a new look or attitude that they’ve always wanted to embody? No one, especially their ex is around to judge, criticize, or worse, leave them if they don’t like it.
My ex changed overnight should I give him/her space ?
Whatever the reason for the change, whatever might have happened between you two, allow your ex to be and to live out this change. Common wisdom says that people need to scrape their knees in order for them to learn how to run. So let them run, and let them scrape their knees.
They’ll either come closer to the person they really are, or the change will be so incompatible with who they really are that they will not be able to sustain it. Either way, if you confront them about their change, they will only double down on it. If you support the change, they will run with it because it’s working for them. If you do not support it, they’ll run with it just to spite you. What do they care, you guys just broke up! And it will not bode well for you either, because if you appear angry or frustrated about their change, you’ll just come off as threatened and insecure.
Exes change to assert their freedom and independence from their old selves, the relationship they once had, and most especially, you. You can’t blame them. Hearts are broken and people aren’t thinking rationally. Letting you know that they’ve changed may not be the primary goal your ex intended, but it definitely is part of the plan.
My ex is changing : You can still get back together
Just because you’re feeling like, “my ex changed into a different person” doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. Remember what I said before. The changes your ex is going through might be fleeting or they might be more long lasting. But your ex is still your ex. You can take people out of their elements but you can’t take certain elements out of people, not completely, at least. Whether you’re thinking “my ex changed” or not, getting your ex back is all the same, and you need to not focus on them or their change. Focus on finding your inner peace and happiness so you can be the most attractive version of yourself possible.
One of the most important pillars of seduction, whether you’re seducing your ex or someone new is to act like you’re wearing a crown on your head. You need to believe that you are the prize and become that prize. Sooner or later they will see how you are shining and realize who they are missing out on. You will start to feel empowered and realize what you’ve gained, which is probably the thing that matters most: a positive sense of self. Once you accomplish this, that reoccurring thought of “my ex changed into a different person” will seem less overwhelming and the power dynamic within the struggle of you getting your ex back will level off. Then, you will have a chance to win each other back.
Change is often one of the most impactful yet overlooked aspects of life, so much so that we take its effects for granted because it’s so commonplace. Whether you’re feeling like, “my ex changed” or “i need to change”, it is important to grow comfortable with change so that you do not become overwhelmed or intimidated by it when it happens to us and the things or people around you. It’s happening all the time, and all around us. You need to anticipate it, even more so after a break up.
Change, at an instinctual level, can feel threatening and overwhelming, activating a person’s fight-or-flight response mechanism, even if there is nothing to literally flee from or fight against. The only thing we are fighting or running away from is change itself. The more comfortable you grow with change, and the more you familiarize yourself with the feeling of experiencing change, the easier it will be for you to process the emotions that result from changes in your ex, and the less apprehensive you will be towards accepting these changes in your ex.
We’re here to help you if you’re thinking, “my ex changed” and are having difficulty coping or figuring out how to get them back. Give us a shout!
Coach Steven
