Not only is your heart broken right now, you’re dealing with an ex that is hot and cold. There are so many questions floating around in your head, especially because deep down, you know that you want to get back together. It can feel discouraging and frustrating, but I am here to tell you that there are so many things that you can do in order to make your ex realize that you deserve better, and that they actually want to be with you!
When you’re thinking, “My ex is hot and cold with me,” there needs to be a shift. Fortunately you’ve found this article because I am going to explain why your ex is behaving like this, and what you can begin doing starting today to turn things around…
Why is my ex hot and cold with me: The 3 main reasons
Before we dive into what you can do in this type of situation, it’s important to go over why exactly your ex is acting like this. I can drive a person crazy to not know the reasons behind someone’s behavior, so let’s shed some light on it…
Why your ex is hot and cold: The pain of the relationship
People commonly make the mistake of thinking that the person who makes the decision to end the relationship experiences much less pain. As an expert in love and relationships specialized in getting people back together, I can tell you that the pain is substantial for both people involved.
It might be hard to wrap your head around the fact that the person you used to share everything with is there one minute, and then suddenly they disappear into thin air, they delete your pictures off of social media, they convey that you are not worth their time or energy…
But breakups are hard for everyone. It is also the death of the relationship for them; the death of how they used to see their future. As of now, it hurts for them too and they don’t want to constantly talk about it, or be reminded of it when they see you.
So as of now, you might have a hot and cold ex simply because it is their way of keeping you at an arm’s length. Sometimes this is the “easy way out” for someone, even though it feels completely unfair to you. If they don’t have to see you all the time, then they don’t have to run the risk of fighting again, or having to face the fact that they’ve hurt you.
Ex blows hot and cold: Standing their ground
Sometimes the answer to “why is my ex hot and cold with me” is simply that this is his or her way of asserting their decision and in essence forcing you to the respect their choice to end the relationship.
If you see each other and speak to each other, they know that you might try to reason with them, or at the very least, they’ll see how much they’re hurt you. Though unfair, it can be easier for a person to push the other away so that they don’t have to be confronted with the pain they’ve caused.
When you break up with someone, and especially when the relationship was very serious, you have to bear the weight of the excruciating pain you’ve inflicted upon them. For many people, the concept of “out of sight, out of mind” is helpful when they’re in a tough period.
On top of that, if your ex is being hot and cold with you, it might be because they don’t want to give you false hope. He or she could be thinking that if you get the wrong idea and think that they’re remaining too close, that it would mean that you could get close again. At the current moment, they don’t want you to cling to them and make things even more difficult than they already are.
When an ex is hot and cold it could be because they felt suffocated
There is another common reason that I see in situations with my clients and their exes. Sometimes a person’s ex will suddenly become cold when they feel like their ex has being too clingy or needy. This is negative behavior in an active relationship, but also in relationships that have ended.
You might be dealing with an ex that has flat out told you that there is no chance that you two will get back together, but I want you to keep in mind that though that might be your current reality, it doesn’t mean the situation can’t change.
One of the analogies that I love to remind my clients of is that relationships are not snapshots.
Allow me to explain. If you were to take a picture of the current situation, today, it would appear that you two aren’t getting back together, yes. But if you took a snapshot of how your relationship was 6 months or one year in, it would never have looked like you were going to separate, right?
This means that relationships are story lines with ups and downs, and it does not mean that you cannot change the future. So even though things are difficult right now, it IS in your power to change them!
If you can work on building the right patterns and habits, then you will see that good things will follow. You will be a able to change the way your ex sees you, even is she or he is being hot and cold.
How to make an ex stop being hot and cold towards you
The absolute simplest way to make someone stop hot and cold behavior is to begin to work on yourself and give them space.
There is something else to keep in mind. If there is hot and cold behavior coming from your ex, it could mean that they are very conflicted in how they feel about you. In other words, they might want to be with you but they’re feeling unsure about your ability to make them happy in the long run or about your compatibility.
As each situation is unique, I encourage you to get in touch with us directly so that we can determine what exactly is going on here and how you can get your ex back in the most efficient way possible.
In many of the situations I work with, I notice that deep down, the ex is question will act hot and cold because they want to be with the person I’m working with, but they’re afraid that it’s not going to work…
An ex being hot and cold could actually be a positive thing…
The silver lining in this situation is that if your ex is hot and cold, then you are experiencing some warmth – even though it’s not all the time. If your ex reaches out and pulls away, it means that a part of them still wants to be with you but they’re scared.
The solution to this problem comes in the form of the no contact rule. Putting distance between you and your ex allows you to get the ball in your court. It will make them reflect and think about what it would be like to not have you in their life anymore.
At the end of the day, it’s about power play. Up until now, your ex has had the ball in his or her court because they’re the ones pushing and pulling you… So this is why you have got to take matters into your own hands.
How zero contact can stop hot and cold behavior
To briefly summarize what the no contact rule is, it consists of cutting communication with your ex for a predetermined period of time. This allows you to go into a reflective stage that simultaneously gives your ex an electroshock. At this point in time, they are also taking you for granted and they need to snap out of it.
Your approach right now is going to make all the difference. Reflect on the situation right now – if your ex wants to engage, what does that mean to you? Are you going to feel fulfilled or are you going to be dragged through the mud?
What you do with this information will directly influence the next stage of your relationship with your ex. If you allow these types of hot and cold actions to continue, it’s going to be very hard to build a solid relationship in the future. You cannot build a stable relationship on a hot and cold foundation. It’s not sustainable.
Remember that you must be careful with what kind of behavior you tolerate, because you are in essence teaching people how to treat you.
They’re hot and cold: Plant a seed of doubt
It’s very easy to fixate on the positive moments that your ex has been giving you and using them to mask the negative ones, but I urge you to be careful with this. Some positive gestures do not excuse or cancel out negative ones and your ex needs to learn a new way to treat you and approach the situation.
Ask yourself what the underlying issues were in this relationship that ultimately lead to the breakup (and your ex’s current hesitation). If you can resolve these issues, then you can resolve your ex’s commitment issues.
When your ex feels comfortable, he or she will be able to commit to you and the hot and cold behavior will cease.
If your ex is hot and cold and you can tell that part of them wants to be with you, help them!
My ex is hot and cold: Here is what to do
There are four solutions that I want to present to you so that you can turn this situation around. These are tools we use with our clients in our one on one coaching sessions and they are designed to give your ex concrete proof that you are capable of change and of offering him or her a brand new, solid, fulfilling relationship that will not end up like the last one.
My ex partner is hot and cold: The List
One of the first things to do when you find yourself in this situation is to create a list. Start writing down all of the issues you’ve ever had – whether they’re big or small. Take your time with this and really think about it. Then start a second list. In response to each thing you wrote in your first list, write down something that you could have done differently AND how the issue could have made your ex feel.
Putting yourself in his or her shoes while focusing on problem solving will give you empathy, which is one of the most important elements of getting an ex back.
If you can give yourself a zoomed-out 360 degree view of your relationship, you’re going to be able to address the underlying issues it was facing.
Take this into consideration and think about solutions that you can implement into your daily life in general – not just in terms of your ex! For example, if your ex was starting to feel neglected in the relationship, then start thinking about how you could make all important people in your life feel special. Do thoughtful things for your friends, your family, and maybe even your colleagues.
Start working on a better approach towards the people in your life, and your ex will take notice. What’s more, he or she will begin to realize that you really are changing and these changes can benefit them, too, if they were to be with you again.
She or he is hot and cold towards me: Changing the dynamic
Think about it this way – if your ex partner is hot and cold and you let them do whatever they want, why would they change? What incentive would they have to shape up and stop toying with your emotions like this? Up until now they’ve gotten away with it so you’ve got to show them that you are not at their beck and call, and you are not just going to wait around for them.
They might be quite comfortable with the way things are right now and feel that there is no need for them to treat you differently, so they won’t. On top of that, we know that they are experiencing hesitation about cutting you out of their lives for good and they don’t want to make a mistake. They also don’t want you to move on, so they are going to try and keep you just close enough to ensure that they don’t lose you.
So instead of allowing this to persist, you must view yourself as the prize and get in control of the situation. A tool like the one I went over above, the No Contact Rule, is ideal for this.
Hot and cold ex girlfriend or boyfriend: Show your changes
A hot and cold ex will test you – either consciously or subconsciously. He or she wants to know if you are emotionally stable and if you are actually capable of change. If you get back together, they want to be sure that it’s going to be different. So if they offer you a chance to get closer and you dive in frantically trying to reassure them that it’s going to be perfect and you’re going to be great together, they’ll back away.
Instead, I encourage you to focus on enjoying the present moment, being happy, enjoying the life that you’ve created for yourself and smiling. Take your time and don’t talk about the relationship, your feelings, saying “I love you,” etc.
Show your ex that your goal is to feel good and to enjoy your life – not to put pressure on the relationship.
Showcase your strengths to an ex that is being hot and cold
Now is the ideal time to start highlighting your strengths and showing your self confidence. If you use the NC Rule, you’ll give yourself time to build your self confidence. You have to be proud of what you bring to the table and let your ex pick up on that. You are happy, you’re confident, you’ve changed important elements of your life, your hobbies, you’re socializing, you’ve maybe even changed your appearance…
By showing your strengths you will make your ex stop being hot and cold and they will begin to respect you more simply because you’re not giving them the choice anymore!
If this person doesn’t begin to respect you now, they will lose you for good.
So create a shift in the power play and snap your ex out of their indecision. You’re the prize, and you deserve more!
If you can truly change and make improvements to your own life, you have the power to change this situation. Approach your ex in the same way that you would talk to your best friend. There is no reason to be nervous around him or her – what’s more, if they see that you are not at ease, they will not be at ease around you either.
So reassure them by reassuring yourself of what you bring to the table, and make your ex stop being hot and cold once and for all!
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you’re thinking, “My ex is hot and cold,”