My ex only wants sex what do I do?

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my ex only wants sexAfter a breakup sometimes you manage to stay in touch with the one you were sharing your life with during all these months or years. In fact you may still have regular exchanges with your ex, friendship maybe budding or perhaps you find yourself in the situation I’d like to talk about today. Are you now engaged in a purely sexual relationship with your ex? Separation doesn’t always have to equal abstinence, and I know that very many of our readers, both men and women, find themselves in this situation. Very often people continue to maintain a physical relationship with their ex after a breakup and this is brought about by many causes that I will address in this article.

For some people sleeping with an ex after a breakup is unimaginable. In their eyes, ties should be cut in one clean swipe and so it doesn’t make sense to continue sleeping together. Of course this isn’t the case for everyone. So various questions arise; Is it a good idea? Why make love with an ex instead of simply moving on? Is this a good way to make them want you back?

When you realize “my ex only wants sex,” it’s tough to know how to react. You don’t want to make mistakes, but at the same time you don’t have to have any regrets either; after having refused or after having given in too quickly. Now it’s time to have a clear and straightforward explanation regarding this situation that affects so many people that can’t bring themselves to say goodbye for good.

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Why does my ex only wants sex?

A relationship doesn’t only consist of emotions. There is also the important aspect of physical attraction. After months or even years and years of life together, sometimes emotions dwindle. For some couples just the emotional tie between two people isn’t enough to keep them together; but it doesn’t mean that the carnal desire dies out as well.

For whatever the reason may be; lack of communication, routine, or maybe you might not even know why; you and your partner decided to end things. Your ex still plans to see you and to spend time with you, notably for intimate moments. Sexual desire isn’t easy to control, and this is the case for your ex as well. You know each other well, you each know what the other likes and so it’s easy to find pleasure.

After a breakup men and women often find it very difficult to immediately engage in a new relationship, but they don’t want to be single either. It’s a bit of a paradox but I assure you, you’re not the only one feeling this way.

Sleeping with an ex after a breakup can be a way to ease the transition for some people. The one you used to share your life with doesn’t want solitude but can’t invest in your relationship either. There’s another element to take into consideration: the desire to feel pleasure. For your ex, celibacy shouldn’t mean the absence of a sexual partner, and so he or she doesn’t want to lose these two things at the same time. Desire becomes a need, and perhaps your physical bond was what was holding your relationship together. So now, even if you know this might not be the best route, you’re wondering if making love with your ex will bring them back.

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Do I have to sleep with my ex?

In order to answer this question you need to understand your situation and know exactly what you want. It’s important to not spend every night in your ex’s bed if you want to turn over a new leaf. Don’t give in to their advances if you want to forget about them. If in the present moment you aren’t sure of what you want, sleeping with your ex might not be the best idea; or at least not until your goals and consequently your decisions become clearer.

It’s important to avoid having regret if you want your love life to be really fulfilling. If you’re thinking, “my ex only wants sex” and you’re not sure of what you want, it would be best to take a step back! No one is forcing you to spend the night with them, even if you still live together. Sleeping in separate bedrooms is sometimes best; especially if you don’t want any misunderstandings. Just because you’re sleeping together doesn’t mean you’re back together!

If your goal is to seduce your ex and to get back together and if you follow my advice on how to recreate affinity between you two, you’re going to behave like a couple and sooner or later you will make love. However you shouldn’t throw that on the table two days after you’ve broken up, when your heart is in the gutter. Make sure to never sleep with your ex just to make them happy, while waiting for them to take you back. There is more to a relationship than just sex, and consequently, there is more to getting back together than just sex as well!

Be careful not to become your ex’s sex-friend!

The line between ex and sex-friend is thin; so the question of whether or not to sleep with an ex is often in the forefront. Something I’ve seen in relationships and in the people I’ve helped throughout the last few years is the development of one night stands with an ex.

Whether it’s the man or the women seeking action there is often no tenderness and no sweet gesture. Just a mess of entangled legs a few times a week. You or your ex want all the advantages of a relationship without any of the rest! You don’t realize it but being able to see each other only when you feel like it is a dream for many!

If this is your choice I have to respect it. It’s your love life and if this is fulfilling and bringing you joy, then great! However realize that this isn’t just anyone that you’re sharing your nights with. Before ‘just sex’ there were feelings, passion, things in common, a family, and so it’s not the healthiest thing to do right after a breakup. Maybe by doing this, one of you has something else in mind…
Whether you want to simply move on from your relationship, or if you’re hoping to get back together with the person you shared wonderful moments with; sleeping together isn’t always the best route to take unless you are both fully aware and ok with what you’re doing.

If you’re secretly hoping to get back together, you’re risking getting labeled as your “ex’s sex-friend,” and this is a hard situation to escape or overome. Jealousy, or the desire to get back together will surface and will cause one of you pain. If this is about wanting to stay in touch, I’d suggest cultivating a genuine friendship. There’s no point in causing pain a second time.

You have to take a step back and gain some perspective, so that you can see which approach is best for you, while considering all your options. The goal is to avoid rushing, and to be fully aware of the consequences no matter what you decide to do. So yes, sometimes people are successful in making their ex take them back by sleeping together; but more often than not, this won’t help you. You’re not using the right type of leverage. To know more about different forms of leverage and to know how to get a positive reaction from your ex, I highly advise you to set up an appointment, especially if you’ve already started sleeping again with your ex.

Your coach to know whether or you should sleep with your ex.

Best regards,


19 Responses

  1. My bf and i broke up about a month ago. My fault. Im still deeply in love with him. We have been exchanging messages (including sexual ones) over the past few days and i know i will end up sleeping with him – because i really want to – but at the same time i want him back completely, not as a sexfriend. However im not sure what it is he wants. Im so confused. I miss him.

  2. After we split, I asked her about what she learned. She told me that she had to show me. She even came to lunch with me with a dripping pussy on her yoga pants. I am so disjointed

  3. My fiance broke up with me simply because she didnt want to be in a relationship at all and she told me she didnt love me and that she just has feelings but then she tells me her feelings are dying more and more but she stills wants to have sex with me and i cant understand like how can you not love me but want sex. I want a future with her but i dont want to become a sex-friend i am scared i dont know what to do. I cant read her heart and mind i dont know if this would turn on the fire once again we also have a 3 in a half month old can anyone help??

    1. Hi Jorel,
      You’ve posed some great questions here. Thank you for your share. I feel you can turn that fire back on, but you’ll need a good gameplan. I invite you to book a session with me. I might have just the thing.
      Coach N.

  4. hi I was in serious relationship with my bf for 8 years but due to our family problems we cant marry each other….since once year he had moved on and got married with other girl… but I convinced him to be in a relationship with me till I get marry… because I m feeling loneliness now n I miss him a lot…i m 31 now and I m feeling desparate and I m having sexual desire also especially with bf I want to have physical intimacy with him but he is not interested in me now….I m feeling very low very depressed I need support from him emotionally and physically at least till I get marry…. but he is not supporting me fully…. he just want to support me as a friend…. I had a big fight with him many times now that he don’t love me the way he did before….. what should I do? plz help me out…. how to cope up with this depression especially having sexual desire with him? he agreed now to meet me only because I need him badly and I have requested him. So what should I do?

    1. Hi Lalita,
      Thank you for your share. I know how challenging it can be when your ex only wants sex, or doesn’t know how they feel about sex anymore. I believe that it’s likely that his new marriage has placed a halt in your dynamic, and I advice you to step away from the situation. Let it breathe. Don’t rush it.
      Coach N.

  5. It’s super hard my ex boyfriend and I broke up almost a 1year ago he still come and visited me once in a while just to see how I’m doing and leave he is studying super hard to became a doctor 🙂 so he is busy busy so this last time we talk and he said the he miss me on his bed he wants to have sex with me again holding me on bed spend more time together like before but just to remember the his time is very limited because of school what should I do?

  6. I was with the father of my kids for 12 years. Never legally married. It was a very difficult relationship, there were differences in our characters and values that caused a lot of turbulence, and there were 5 separations during those 12 years. But for some reason over the years the sex just got better and better. And after every break up it was what always drew us back to each other. But it wasn’t long before the same dysfunction ensued. For the sake of my children having a happy healthy mom I decided I had to end it for good. Our differences hurt me so much I got very angry and depressed. He claims he will always love me, but he really has no idea how his difficult character causes me pain! I have decided I don’t ever want to live with him again. Im currently staying with my mom and waiting to save up enough to buy my own home, but I had to leave his home because we aren’t legally married and I have no rights to it. I don’t want to go back and forth anymore. I want my stability, I need my own home. But once again the sex haunts me…. can’t stop thinking about it. He tried to seduce me a few times after I left 6 months ago and I refused. But recently I told him that I missed our sexual relationship… I couldn’t hold it in anymore. And he said he did too… and we hooked up a few nights ago. I knew what I was getting myself into, I know that we don’t work and I won’t go back to trying to make this relationship work and risk my kids stability and happiness. I’m finally happy with my freedom. I enjoy solitude, and I’ve even been dating a new guy… it’s still in the casual early stages. But I have a 12 year history with the father of my kids. It’s hard to completely break it all off forever, But I accept that the relationship doesn’t work and I’m not interested in trying to make it work. At least not now. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds, maybe one day I’ll be over it, over the sex and our history… but for now, I will feel bonded and connected to him, but I like this new guy, I just don’t feel prepared to fully commit to anyone. I’ve never been THAT kind of girl before. I was always so proper and loyal and virtuous. But I’m in my 30s and in my prime and I work hard and parent two kids… in tired of always doing what’s right at the expense of my happiness….. you only live once right? What will be will be, in the meantime, Imgoing to make the best of this situation and unclear future.

    1. Hey ArlynGdR,

      Thanks for reaching out.

      I can’t help you in this way because I work a bit differently than most coaches. I like to understand all the intricacies of a given situation before providing insights and to make sure I provide you with the most appropriate way forward based on your current circumstances.

      I know from experience that you need tailored support and a list of concrete steps to take to reach your goal. To get there we’ll need to dedicate time and interact in the most optimal way possible to have the desired results and truly maximize your chances of success.

      To that end, I invite you to book a coaching session with me (1h00 hour would be the most ideal). After that it will be easier for me to continue to provide you with advice via email, but for now you’ll understand that it’s a bit difficult for me to advise you appropriately without knowing every relevant detail of your story.

      Here is the link to book a coaching session:

      I promise to speak to you as soon as possible after you complete your booking. The goal of this session will be for us to asses where you truly stand and to provide you with a clear road map to get back together…

      I wish you all the very best.

      Speak soon,

      Coach Natalie

  7. I Love my girlfriend and she loves me ,I broke up with her and regret it know.We still talk but she is hurt she said give it time she thinks that we are ok.After two weeks from breakup I txt her to see how she was doing,she said ok ,and asked how I was doing and said that we need to meet and talk,she said ok we will meet on the week end.well we meet and talked and she said that she needed time that she loves me and wants to work things out with me.She said that she wants me to keep having sex with her because she is not going out.what to do.

    1. Hello Kenny,

      Thank you for reaching out to me and for sharing your story.

      There are no guarantees here, as your situation is a complex one…but I do believe that I can help you maximize your chances of making it work – and I do think that it is possible to turn everything around.

      I would recommend that you book a one hour private coaching session in order for me to respond to all of your questions, provide you with insights and a clear way forward.


      Coach Natalie

  8. My ex and i have been broken up for a month, we’ve been together for 3 years. He asked me to be friends with benefits but i want much more for him. He claims he still loves me but doesn’t want a relationship. Even though he wants to be monogamous sexually. I’m not taking part of that but i how can i make sense of what hes asking of me? Can you help me see from his perspective if it is genuine?

    1. Hi Kaitlin,
      Thank you for your share. I know how challenging trying to fix things with your ex can be. I do feel, though, based on my professional experience, that what you truly need is going to be a bit of coaching. Your situation does seem salvageable, but it’s complex and will require a tailored strategy.
      If you’d like to book a session with me or Coach Adrian, I invite you to visit this link:
      I’m looking forward to connecting with you.
      Coach N

  9. me and my boyfriend broke up 3 months ago and he wanted to have sex last night but on the lowkey… and i said i’d have to think about it … i still love him but idk what to do

    1. Hi Casey,
      Thanks for reaching out. Without knowing more about your situation, I can’t really guide. I invite you to consider scheduling a session, or spending time reflecting on what you want and expect from a relationship with this person.

  10. My husband seperatwd almost a uear still wants to make love , then sayd he misses me still loves me , then ignores me and then threatwns custody of our son. I should kbow better. But this has happened at least 6 to 8 times . Why have sex first , cry tell me he misses me , boom ignores threaten then say i was just a peice of ass grrrrr

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