I wanted to write this article for you today to help you find the best way to stop breaking up when you have an on and off again relationship. These types of situations are not sustainable and if you want a lasting love story, it is important to break the negative patterns that your relationship is experiencing. My goal is to provide you with concrete tips and tools to help you navigate through this challenging situation.
Why are on and off again relationships sometimes addicting?
There is an interesting phenomenon that I’ve noticed in cases where there are tumultuous relationships. A lot of people get to feeling that this is a relationship that maybe they should walk away from, but they somehow always wind up falling back into it. Because this is such a common theme, I wanted to take a moment to go over it so that you can determine if this sounds like your situation or not.
It is very important to be able to determine whether or not you are in a toxic relationship, and for more detailed information on this topic I highly recommend you read this article.
For our purposes I am just going to summarize, because the addiction to toxic relationships has to do with the adrenaline. When you are constantly on and off again with your significant other, you can become addicted to the adrenaline rush. Two people to fight a lot and have violent highs and lows can start to develop a pattern that can be confused with passion. Intense, dramatic fights that are followed by passionate make-ups can make a person crave the emotions that wash over them when the latest conflict is resolved.
Being in an on and off again relationship can conjure up the same emotions. The emotional highs that come from the conflicts of the relationship become addictive simply because it is a powerful adrenaline rush. So letting go of a relationship is hard enough as it is, but when you are addicted to the rush that the situation gives you, it becomes that much harder.
The thing I want you to keep in mind is that toxicity does not go away with time. It actually tends to get worse. So if you realize that you are in a truly toxic relationship, it’s important to leave before it gets worse. If the issue is more about not being able to find the right balance in your relationship, keep reading!
How you can have an on and off relationship that turns into a happy, longterm one!
The problem with an on and off relationship is that it starts to really damage the foundation of your relationship. Highs and lows that are too intense can turn into a negative cycle. A relationship with too many peaks and valleys is not sustainable. For some people, it can be fun and stimulating for a while, but after a while they see that it is not going to withstand the test of time.
You’re experiencing two extremes. Either you’re head over heals in love, or you’re broken up and feeling gutted. There is too much passion and it results in a breakup, and then another make-up, and then another breakup…
So it’s not uncommon for me to work with clients who are telling me that they’ve broken up multiple times, but they’re looking for a way to stay together and stop breaking up. So what can you do in this type of situation?
On again off again relationship when you’re the one that keeps getting dumped
If your relationship is on and off and your ex is the one that keeps breaking up with you, and you’re constantly doing everything you can do in order to win them back, or you just take them back no questions asked, you need to change your approach.
If not, then you’re setting yourself up to get broken up with again.
The problem is that you’re not valuing yourself, you were basically sending the message to your ex that you will take them back no matter what they do. This makes it dangerously easy for your ex to take you for granted and to feel that they can get away with any type of behavior.
This is not setting the foundation for a stable relationship and it will only continue to be on and off again.
It is very important to make sure that you have a sense of independence and do not need your ex in order to be happy. If you do, you are putting them on a pedestal and you are doing yourself a disservice. Your ex (or current partner) needs to understand that you are a prize and they are lucky to be with you. If they take you for granted or take advantage of your love for them, you’re headed down a treacherous path…
In most of these situations, the remedy comes in the form of developing more self-respect. The more you devalue yourself, the less attractive you will be in this person’s eyes. It’s common human nature.
Never lower your standards to make your ex fit the bill. Your ex needs to respect you and give you the type of relationship you deserve.
If you and your on and off boyfriend or girlfriend are not currently together, don’t take them back immediately. In other words, be very careful to make sure you don’t make it easy for them to take you for granted. You have to make sure that they prove to you that they are worthy enough to have this relationship. They have to put in the effort and show you they’re willing to work for this relationship with you!
If you are currently working on making your ex want you back so that you can stay together, I highly recommend reading this article on getting back together with an ex.
If you’re together and you want to prevent another breakup
As I mentioned above, one of the best things you can do right now is to make sure that you are creating a life that makes you feel happy and fulfilled… without your partner! Your sense of joy should not depend on him or her, and it’s very important to show your ex and yourself that this is the case.
Of course you have to be on the same page and work on the common goals you have, but make sure that you have your own things going on. This creates a healthy balance in the relationship, it also makes you more desirable.
Make sure that you are busy with friends and family members that make you happy, set aside time for your passions and hobbies, make sure you don’t neglect any personal and professional goals, and live an exciting life!
Your world cannot revolve around your significant other. If you do, you begin to flirt with emotional dependency and putting your partner on a pedestal – which are the types of things that lead to on and off again relationships.
So we need to break the cycle, and yes, it is in your power!
How to make a relationship work when you are on again and off again
The absolute best thing that you can do is work on becoming more independent feeling proud of your own life. This is the type of thing that makes you become an exciting challenge and the type of partner that person wants to stay with.
I know that each situation is challenging and tricky, so please don’t forget that we are here to help you every step of the way. If you would like one-on-one guidance with me remember of my team, all you have to do is click here. You can also leave any questions you might have in the comment section below and it would be our pleasure to personally respond to you!
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want and on again off again relationship to only be “on!”
Adrian
