The roller coaster ride following a break up can be pretty intense, right? It comes as no news to you that you can wind up loving and hating someone the same time when they have broken your heart into a million pieces. When you are experiencing this, it can leave you feeling lost and confused, hurt and angry, while simultaneously making your head swim with nostalgic thoughts. It can be extremely frustrating and exhausting, so what are you supposed to do when you’re feeling this way?
It can be especially confusing when you are having opposing thoughts about the same person. On one hand you miss your ex boyfriend or girlfriend terribly, but on the other hand you’re furious with what they have done. Is it possible to really experience both of these emotions at the same time or is one on the surface while the other is more deeply rooted? And how exactly are you supposed to proceed? What’s the best way to interact with an ex that you love and hate at the same time?
In today’s article I’m going to go over these questions so that I can offer you some clarity on the subject. The clearer your mind is, the easier it is going to be to define a powerful action plan. This is especially true for those of you who are reading this, hoping to get back together with an ex partner. Hatred is obviously an emotion that is not going to be conducive to reestablishing a happy and fulfilling relationship, but I am going to give you some tools to help you work through this.
The reasons behind loving and hating someone at the same time
Today’s article is going to be geared towards offering solutions for those of you who are hoping to get back together with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. So if you want to be with someone again, you are going to have to figure out why exactly you are experiencing these feelings of hatred towards them. Is it primarily because they broke up with you and you resent them for the pain you are experiencing, or is it because they did something(s) that deeply hurt you?
Pinpointing the reason behind your feelings will help you to find some clarity in regards to the situation at hand. There is a big difference between being hurt by a person choosing to break up with you, and being hurt by someone who continuously disrespects you.
Love and hate when something painful happened
I often see love hate relationships in relationships where there is a lot of lust and not that much of an emotional bond, but that’s not the only type of situation I see this in.
When two people have been together for a long time and a person has developed a lot of love for their partner, it can be hard to let go of that love even if this partner starts doing things that really upset them.
For example, I worked with Joseph about two days ago who told me that he had been married to his wife for almost 4 years and he just found out that she had been having an affair. He specifically told me but he hates her for what she has done, but still loves her and wants to figure out how to fix this situation. He was hurt and furious about her actions and the fact that she was capable of doing something like this.
He told me, “I hate my wife right now, but I also recognize that our relationship has been struggling. I would be lying if I told you that I haven’t neglected her in the last year while I’ve been dealing with all of these challenges at work. I hate that she turned to someone else like this and I feel so betrayed, but this is the woman that I love you and I owe it to her and our marriage to try and make things right between us.”
In Joseph’s case, he needs to work on pinpointing the root behind the issues that led him to love and hate his wife, and he’s already on the right track by realizing that there has been some neglect on his part.
I hate to love you: When there is toxicity involved
In other cases, some of the people that think “I hate that I love you” are struggling with more of a toxic relationship. It is also possible to be emotionally dependent on a person you know is not good for you. If you are codependent on the person that consistently hurts and disappoints you, you can feel somewhat addicted to them despite the fact that they make you hate them.
What many people don’t realize is that this is not love; it is emotional dependency. Emotional dependency is very dangerous and destructive. That is why I want to bring your attention to this at the beginning of this article. I want to protect you from falling into this trap. The best way to do this is to be very clear about why you are feeling this way towards your ex right now.
Because I know that every situation is unique, it might be challenging to pinpoint whether or not you want your ex back out of codependency. As a dedicated love and relationship coach I am here to help guide you from A-Z, so please don’t hesitate to reach out. You could also leave any questions you might have in the comment section below.
So let’s dive into what to do when you are loving and hating someone at the same time!
I love you and I hate you: Clearing out negative emotions
If you know that you were struggling with emotional dependency on this person the first thing you need to do is start focusing on yourself. Your own well-being should be your sole priority right now.
Whether you are struggling with emotional dependency or not, now is the time to start clearing out these negative emotions… and there is one thing that does wonders for this!
One of the first things I recommend to my clients in this situation is to become very physically active. Physical exercise, especially when it is vigorous physical exercise, can release your frustrations and clear your mind. If you stay cooped up inside, ruminating in all of your frustrations towards your ex, they’re only going to become amplified with time.
Sweeping your emotions under the rug is never a good call because they will only continue to grow beneath the surface. If you want to rebuild a strong relationship with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband, you’re going to have to make sure that you can restore the bond between you.
If you’re thinking that “I hate to love you,” you are going to have to talk with your ex at one point about their actions that had a negative effect on you, but it needs to happen at the right time and you need to make sure that you are coming from a positive frame of mind. Again, timing is of upmost importance so don’t hesitate to check in with me about what the best timeline would look like for you.
I know you’re feeling frustrated about many things right now, but if you go into this in attack mode you can end up doing more damage than good. Communicating about the break up is a stage that comes much later on. For now, we need to be focusing on getting rid of this hatred you feel.
Hating the one you love: The NC Rule
When you are so upset with someone that you hate them, time is required for these feelings to calm down. If you are constantly speaking to each other and getting into more arguments, things are going to fall into a downward spiral.
This is when we recommend one of the most powerful tools available to a person who wants to restore the peace, re attract someone, and get back together.
If you are familiar with our philosophy then you have undoubtedly heard of the no contact rule. Whether you are the one thinking, “I hate you but I love you” or if your ex is the one feeling this way about you, this tool can help make things right between you.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this powerful tool, it consists of cutting all forms of communication with your significant other for a predetermined period of time. The goal of this technique is to give your ex an electro shock that makes him or her realize that you are no longer at their beck and call and that you have taken them off that pedestal.
In addition to this, it grants you the opportunity to focus solely on becoming the new and improved version of yourself. The distance between you is going to spark your ex’s attention, and the changes you’re making in your own life will make them realize that you have evolved into the 2.0 version of yourself.
When your ex realizes that they’re no longer the center of your universe and that you have become the new and improved version of the person they fell in love with, you will become irresistible to them. You will also be giving yourself time to let your emotions calm down.
Releasing your emotions on paper when you love and hate someone at the same time
I want to bring your attention to the fact that relationships are a two-way road and that there are things that you did that contributed to this breakup as well. It’s true that your ex might have done something that really hurt you, but it’s important to do some introspection as well.
The longer you point the finger, the longer that recovery process is going to be. Relationships that withstand the test of time are partnerships in which both people feel like teammates instead of opponents. If both of you are constantly in opposition to one another, playing the blame game, and are incapable of taking responsibility for your own actions, this process is going to be a lot harder than it needs to be.
When you hate and love someone at the same time, another helpful tool is writing down what you’re feeling . I encourage you to write down everything you feel and everything you want to say to your ex-partner, and then rip it into pieces. Our goal right now is to release these frustrations. The simple act of writing your thoughts down and help you to feel significantly lighter.
When you really hate the person you love because of what they did or how they act, you will need some time for your emotions to settle back down. This is why I always stress the importance of taking your time with the process of getting back together with someone. If you rush it, you run the risk of doing or saying the wrong thing and subsequently making the divide between you much bigger.
How to stop hating someone that you love
When you are thinking, “I hate him” or “I hate her,” I know that the feeling can be very intense and it can cloud other, positive memories you have associated with this person. Though it can feel overwhelming at the moment, rest assured that time will make this better if you make a conscious effort to work through this. Like I said above, suppressing these emotions is only going to preserve them and amplify them over time.
The first thing to do is to zero in on why exactly you are experiencing these types of negative emotions towards the person you love. Is it because you are upset about the break up or are you experiencing something a little more toxic? The next thing to do is to start clearing out negative emotions.
You can pick up a new sport, get outdoors more often by starting to run or hike, get involved in new types of activities like dance or yoga, and whenever your feelings are becoming too overwhelming, write them all out on a piece of paper that you can tear up.
Letting these emotions out is key because you don’t want them to become even worse later on down the line.
You can begin to use a powerful technique like the no contact rule to reset the dynamic between you and your ex-partner, give them an electroshock, and enable you to become the new and improved version of yourself.
Breakups often serve as a wonderful catalyst for positive change in the relationship between two people. I know it sure doesn’t feel like it right now but one day, you could look back on this break up and be grateful that happened. When you play your cards right and use this opportunity to rebuild a solid foundation, you two could become happier than ever before.
As always, we are here to help you every step of the way so please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you love and hate someone at the same time
I Know We Are Meant To Be!
Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!