Every couple argues to some degree; it is impossible to see eye to eye on everything. During a breakup or separation couples have a tendency to argue even more and things can even tend to get nasty at times.
While it is normal to show frustration and even sometimes argue while in a relationship, fighting with your ex after you have broken up is unhealthy and definitely not recommended; whether you are trying to get back together or simply move on, fighting with your ex won’t help you reach your goal.
In this article we will tell you how to stop arguing with your ex and even get back together!
Why are you arguing?
If you are continuously at odds with your ex after a breakup it probably means that you are looking to get back together too quickly. Even though you decided to breakup, you are both having trouble letting go and you are still interacting or at least trying to stay in touch.
When you have been so close to someone and even intimate, it is very challenging to suddenly stop talking to each other. Contrary to popular beliefs you are still drawn to one another and it actually takes a conscious effort not to fight or argue with your ex after a breakup.
A radio silence may be what you need
The best way to prevent conflict is to take your distance or even do a radio silence when coming out of a long term relationship; by making a deliberate and consorted effort to not talk to your ex in the days or weeks following a breakup you ensure that you stop arguing about trivial things.
Furthermore, a radio silence will enable you both to get perspective on your relationship. You are probably too emotionally invested and hurt following a breakup to be able to have an unbiased opinion to assess the conflicts between you and your ex.
Sometimes it is necessary to take a step back in order to make a leap forward. Don’t be afraid to lose contact with your ex. If you have been together for months or even years, not speaking to each other for a few weeks won’t be the end of the world. You will most likely still be drawn to one another and you will have the chance to restore a healthy dialogue in order to stop arguing with your ex and get back together.
What if you share a living or working space?
In some case arguments stem from the fact that you have to either share a living space or because you have to work together. If you are in the process of breaking up but own a home or apartment with your ex, you still have to deal with him or her and even interact in order to sort out the loose ends. Evidently the tensions linked to the breakup spill over into these conversations and it can seem at times as if every dialogue turns into a confrontation. Similarly if you happen to work together or share a business it can become increasingly difficult to get work done if you are constantly at odds or on each back about petty little things.
In order to overcome such situations, you must take the high road, be positive and only take a stand on the non-negotiable. You need to be in a spirit of compromise in order to create new energies between the two of you. Once you have identified issues that you cannot compromise on, we suggest that you address those calmly with your ex.
If you feel that talks breakdown and that you are both on the defensive, we highly suggest that you write a letter to your ex to explain your position. Don’t make demands but rather explain your train of thoughts and why this one element is vital to you and to your overall well-being. If all else fails, we strongly advise that you seek a third party to mediate disputes between the two of you. This can be a love coach, a relationship counselor or another figure of authority with an unbiased opinion; most people in your entourage whether it be friends or family are usually too invested not to take sides.
What if you have kids together?
If you have kids with your ex, the worst case scenario is when you start arguing or fighting over your kids. It can get quite nasty because both parents have a special bond with their children; we all want to be a part of our children’s lives, to be able to make decisions that will impact their well-being and simply to wake up next to them in the morning or to be able to share a breakfast with them.
Once a separation turns into a divorce and custody battles come into play it can become very difficult to control the negativity and find a common ground. The only way to stop arguing with your ex and potentially one day get back together is to realize that the children are the ones’ that are suffering the most from the fighting or verbal clashes.
You must quickly detach yourself from the disagreements that you may have had as a couple and look to engage with your partner in a spirit of compromise, not to make them happy and to give into their desires, but rather for the well-being of your children. Take the high road and make concessions in good faith and when appropriate in order to snap out of the spirit of conflict and to find a common ground on important issues. It’s through this approach that you will stop arguing with your ex and perhaps even maybe get back together down the road once you both realize that you can come together on contentious issues.
Focus on you instead
In order to stop being frustrated with your ex and their behavior, shift your focus on what you can control. Your actions and your well-being are in reality not directly linked to your ex. Many people feel that they need to get back with their ex in order to be happy, fulfilled or to snap out of depression. But on the contrary, if you are hoping to get back with your ex permanently you must first find a healthy balance within and regain a sense of peace and happiness before getting back together.
Take the time to really think about where you are in life and all that used to bring you happiness independently of your relationship before things unraveled. You can find joy in many things: through friends, families, hobbies or even your career. The most important is that you disconnect from your relationship in order to get back to who you truly are.
People have the tendency to lose themselves in their relationship, which causes them to feel disconnected from their true essence. In turn it can make you feel as if you need your ex or your relationship to exist or be fulfilled but not nothing can be further from the truth. Take time to focus on you and your own personal happiness and you will quickly become less frustrated with your circumstance; ultimately you will stop arguing with your ex and could even get back together.
Arguing with your ex means that emotions remain
Arguments are often rooted in passion; it shows that both parties care about a given issue or about each other. Resentment and anger can be flipped into love and compassion if you are willing to stay positive, forgive your ex and look to prevent conflicts.
If you respond positively to negative emotions such as anger, the negativity will go away over time. That’s why we remain optimistic about most if not all the situations that we encounter. Yours is probably no different! If you are willing to be patient, compassionate and positive you will succeed in arguing less and less with your ex and ultimately even get back together.
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Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!