The most important aspect of the “No Contact” rule is probably that it gives your ex an opportunity to miss you. But the rule has just as many beneficial effects on you, the person who is implementing it. It gives you some breathing room and allows you to recollect yourself after an emotionally tumultuous event such as a break-up. After a couple splits, both parties are emotionally tense. This, more often than not, affects us mentally and prevents us from thinking straight. “No Contact” gives us space to calm down, decompress, thoroughly analyze the current state of affairs, and look at it with a clear head. It prevents us from continuing making mistakes or making any in the first place. It allows us to come back with a plan and make sure we are in the proper mindset, free of emotional dependency, unfearful of rejection, and devoid of any need for validation from our ex.
Imagine you were a boxer in a fight. “No Contact” is the equivalent of going back to your corner after the bell rings at the end of the round. You sit on your stool, get a drink of water, catch your breath, repair any damage your opponent may have done, and have your trainer analyze your performance and accordingly adjust the game plan for you [insert link to coaching page], if necessary. But that bell’s going to ring again eventually and you’re going to have to get back in their with your opponent.
So, what to do after no contact rule? It wouldn’t be called what it is if you weren’t planning on getting back with your ex, or else it would be called “Moving on with your life!” Re-establishing communication with your ex is implied, and it is one of, if not, the most integral part of reconciling with your ex. You can’t get back with your ex if you never talk to them. And you’re not going to have much luck getting them back if you don’t talk to them in a healthy, productive manner that’s improved from how you guys communicated with each other before.
What to do after the no contact rule: How to talk to an ex again
Your must keep certain strategic points in mind with breaking the Radio Silence and learning how to talk to an ex again. I say learning because the stage you are about to enter with your ex is completely new territory, and you need to be as confident and courageous crossing this brand new emotional landscape as you would be traversing an unknown physical landscape.
We are not reverting to the old ways of communicating that existed between you prior to the break-up. That’s what lead to the end of your relationship in the first place! By necessity, if you want your ex back, you must try something new in order to create something better than before.
You therefore need to be confident that you know what you’re doing because people value security and safety. Confidence signals to your ex that they don’t have to have their guard up or be cautious at all times because they can rest lightly in the knowledge that there’s at least one other person who won’t drop the ball. Confidence signals that they can relax and enjoy themselves a little, because “you got this”.
And confidence also subconsciously tells your ex that you do not get easily rattled and are unphased by most things, presenting them with an irresistible challenge of trying to get through to you and penetrate that new confident barrier you’ve created for yourself. If your ex can feel that they have broken through your detachment, and that you value their validation at least a little, but at the same time aren’t dependent on it, their “reconquest” of you will taste that much sweeter.
Seeming unavailable, or having limited availability is key to seduction. Why? It’s because people need meaning behind the most important things in their life. They need to know that they earned it, struggled for it, overcame the challenge that stood in the way of getting what they wanted. This applies as equally to relationships and people as it does to material things. It doesn’t matter the type of person or the type of relationship.
And this, believe it or not, doesn’t change in any stage of romantic relationships, whether you two just started dating, have been in a long-term relationship, are broken up, or learning how to talk to an ex again. This is why people who seem unavailable or have limited availability are attractive and desirable. And this is the reason why “no contact” works. This truth is the driving factor behind it.
Contact after no contact: How much time should you wait?
If there’s one question my team and I come across most often from the clients we coach is, “How long should I wait before initiating contact after no contact?” The truth is that there is no objective right answer to that question or a strict formula to follow, just like there isn’t a right or wrong answer for what to do after the no contact rule. Everyone is different.
Consequently, this makes all relationships different and unique in their own way, regardless of how similar they may seem to one another. Therefore, the length of time it takes until you disengage the “no contact rule” will vary from situation to situation. The key to how to get your ex back after no contact is not about how long you wait, but what you do during the no contact period. The goal is not to hold out for a set amount of time.
This isn’t a numbers game. The goal is, rather, to regain a sense of inner peace and well being, no matter how long it takes. When you are recentered after a break-up and after implementing the no contact rule, you will have regained your sense of value and worth. When you are able to place your value above your ex’s, you are able to hold your position from a place of confidence and self-assuredness. You won’t act or seem desperate towards your ex. Therefore, it is always better to wait longer and be safe than sorry to achieve this than be overzealous and over-shooting the ongoing attempt to get back with your ex.
The inevitable follow-up question after being asked “how long should I wait?” is how to initiate contact with your ex after no contact. Again, there is no right or wrong answer to this and the answer will vary from relationship to relationship. A classic technique that we always encourage our clients to implement is a handwritten letter. A letter is an amazing way to reconnect because of the surprise element inherent in it. Think about it: who expects to receive “letters” or anything that isn’t a coupon booklet, a bill, or a notice, in the mail in this day and age?
There is just something about the thought that a person took the time and effort to transcribe their feelings on paper by hand, make sure it looks neat and clean, with no scribbles or scratch marks, to then fold it, seal it, pay for postage, stamp it, and walk to the mailbox to send it off that lets the other feel that they care. It also lets your ex know that you value their time and space by giving them as much in order for them to digest your words and respond on their own time without the pressure of immediately having to as is expected in the electronic age.
We do, of course, get some pushback when we recommend writing a letter (as is expected). Some say, “Why wait for and count on the post office to deliver a letter to my ex when I can use texting, email, skype, facebook, whatsapp, instagram, etc., etc., etc.?” I ask right back, “Is there any wonder why good ol’ fashioned romance is in short supply nowadays?”.
There isn’t anything particularly or inherently wrong with these methods as long as their limitations are recognized and strengths used accordingly. Texting after no contact can be a good way to informally reconnect in certain situations, especially in short term relationships, where, chances are, there hasn’t been enough time or significantly meaningful events to warrant a handwritten letter or lengthy, thought-out e-mail.
Texting is also good in this context in order to get a quick feel for where your ex currently stands, while at the same time, providing you with an exit to avoid drama. Conversations held via texting can easily be de-escalated and diffused, if need be, by simply putting your phone down and walking away. However, I do not recommend texting if you don’t have a gameplan for what to say to your ex after no contact.
Always keep in mind that we want to initiate contact with an ex from a strong position of power and confidence. We therefore have to come correct and know exactly what to say to an ex after no contact. This may matter just as much as what to do after the no contact rule.
Mistakes to avoid after No Contact is over
I wouldn’t be good at my job if I didn’t warn you that there is going to be an adjustment period or learning curve after you figure out what to do after the no contact rule. You’re still getting used to “You 2.0”, and you’re constantly fighting against old patterns so that the new ones can take hold. And if that weren’t enough, you’re actively trying to create a new dynamic for interaction between yourself and your ex. But that’s not to say you can’t avoid most mistake people make after no contact.
If I had to make a bet, I would say social media is one of the chief culprits in disrupting both parties’ efforts to give each other space while the no contact rule is in effect. The no contact rule is supposed to have practical, tangible results on both you and your ex by giving each of you breathing room and removing temptation to communicate with one another when you both know you shouldn’t be. But it also has indirect implications.
This rule is pointless if you are doing everything other than explicitly reaching out to your ex, to keep them top-of-mind. Examples of this would be incessantly looking through their pictures on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat, keeping tabs on your ex’s social media activity, keeping tabs on your ex’s real life by investigating their social media pages, etc., etc. None of this behavior is going to help you effectively implement the rule or correctly figure out what to do after no contact rule is over.
Another mistake people make after no contact rule is letting too much time to pass by. I know, I know. “But Coach, you JUST SAID it’s not how long you wait!” I did say that, but I also need to remind you that you need to be proactive and not just twiddle your thumbs or wait for your ex to come back to you after you regroup. You may be updating your social media profiles consistently enough for your ex to see your updates of the new and improved you from time to time.
Or you may be communicating your successes to mutual friends, which is another mistake people make after no contact, in hopes that your friends will relay this information to your ex. But don’t count on it. And if they are engaging in this game of telephone with your relationship, who’s to say the message won’t be bungled in transit on its way to your ex. Either way, don’t just wait for things to just fall into place after you’ve done the self-improvement and introspection that is required of you during the no contact rule. The responsibility falls equally on both you and your ex to figure out what to do after the no contact rule and establish contact after no contact.
On that note, I emphasize again that the most important factor that determines how successfully you implement the no contact rule is not the length of time the strategy is implemented for, but rather, the quality of the work you invest in order for you to come out a better you. People think that if they simply listen to their exes’ complaints at their word, and fix them, that everything will be fine. But that just serves to show how neglectful the person thinking this is, and how little value they are placing on themselves over their exes’ needs and desires.
Remember, the no contact rule is also there for you to reestablish your own worth within the future relationship with your ex. Focusing on what your ex wanted you to do or how they wanted you to act or who they wanted you to be will only cause you to fall back into those old patterns that caused issues in the first place because you’re only doing what your ex wants, not what you really want.
If you find yourself lost regarding what to do after the no contact rule reach out to us and book a 1-on-1 coaching session. Our expertise will be able to clear the fog for you and shed some light on your unique situation and the path forward towards reconciliation with your ex. We will be able to tell you exactly what to do after the no contact rule, the signs to look for that will tell you it’s time to reach out to your ex, the mistakes to avoid during and after first contact, and how to ultimately talk to your ex in a new, productive, and attractive manner.
Give me a shout if you want to know what to do after the no contact rule !