One of the most common questions and concerns that people come to me with is what to do if you regret breaking up with someone. “Is it too late to get them back now? Can you undo what happened or is the relationship too damaged? How do you take it back? Is all hope lost??” If you’ve found yourself in this situation, it’s normal that you might be panicking right about now. I wanted to write this article for you today in order to shed some light on this type of situation. Your emotions are surging up right now and they can make it really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am here to tell you that if you can get organized, you can turn this thing around.
I always like to remind my clients that though it may not feel that way right now, a breakup can actually be the best thing that happens to a couple. It feels terrible in the moment, but it can serve as the electroshock that was needed in order to set you on the right path. With time, we tend to get lazy or needy in relationships, and there begins to be a pretty sizable imbalance. A breakup can shake things up so that you can put the pieces back together in a much better way.
I regret breaking up with him and now I don’t know what to do
I had a call with Claudine right before I sat down to write this article, who told me that she was having serious “dumper’s regret” and that she thinks that she may have just lost the love of her life.
Sometimes we break up in the heat of the moment, and other times insidious unhappiness creeps in overtime and pushes us over the edge and we pull the plug on the relationship.
Whatever the case may be for you, the moment you call it quits with the person you love and realize you regret it, it’s normal to panic.
The important thing right now is to not allow your panic and the emotions you are currently feeling to cloud your judgment or act out in ways that you’ll end up regretting as well. It might be tempting to call your ex up and tell him over and over again that you love him and want him back, but that is not going to help your odds of getting him back right now. You’re going to have to try an entirely different approach.
That is why I always tell my clients that getting an ex back requires a huge amount of self control. It also requires patience. These things don’t get patched up overnight, and your ex is going to have to see some concrete changes if he’s going to step back into a relationship with you.
At this point, you can’t ask him to get back into the same exact relationship with you because you both know how that ended. You’re going to have to work on proposing something entirely new and inspiring, with a more stable foundation.
Claudine also mentioned to me that she wishes we had more content on what to do if YOU were the person who broke up with your ex and now you regret breaking up.
She also asked if it would be easier for her in her situation to get an ex back… A lot of people assume that it’s easier to get back together if they were the ones who ended the relationship.
I think it’s important to note that 99% of the time, when you choose to break up with someone, a part of you is doing it because you want to get a reaction from them. You want to be heard, and you want to communicate that you are not OK with the situation. You want a change.
Unfortunately, they didn’t make a change and come begging for you back. Perhaps you had even threatened to break up a few times, and then your ex finally said, “Fine, we’re over.” Now he isn’t chasing you like maybe you thought he would…
So we need to understand why. Most of the time, it’s about the power play. Right now, your ex doesn’t feel like he needs to change, and now you’re in this situation.
When it comes to whether or not it’s easier for someone in your position, I would say it’s more about knowing how to approach the process of getting back together in the best way. As of right now, your ex boyfriend is going to be feeling some resentment towards you as a result of the breakup and you are going to have to start from scratch. The focus needs to be on re-attraction now.
I know that sounds a little scary, but before you get worried, take a moment to remember that this is crucial. This is how you’re going to reestablish a new foundation, new attraction, and a stronger bond between you. You’ve given yourself the opportunity to hit the reset button and turn your relationship into something better than ever before. Though you broke up with him and regret it, it is by no means the end of the world.
The focus needs to be on attraction.
I also want to mention that if you were the one who pulled the plug on the relationship, it means that you took the reigns in the power play between you and your ex. If you were willing to break up with them, it means you had a lot of power in that relationship. For this reason, it’s usually easier to get back together on your terms.
So when you are experiencing post breakup regret, the hardest thing to do is to actually hold on to that power. What I mean by this is that when you are suddenly feeling vulnerable as a result of your decision, it’s easy to start being needy and clingy, or perhaps you might even begin to beg your ex to take you back. This hands all the power over to him…
At this stage, you could turn into someone that your ex doesn’t recognize, and that’s not what we want.
We don’t want you to start begging and pleading with him to be with you again, because it’s going to paint you in a negative light.
He would then seize power, especially because he’s ego got bruised when you broke up with him, and he’ll tell you that he doesn’t want you back. He’ll want to see you hurt as a result of your decision.
At this point, the biggest thing to avoid is talking about how badly you want to get back together,
and how much you regret dumping him.
I broke up with my boyfriend and I regret it: Remember that you’re in a favorable position
So, I know that you bitterly regret your decision right now, but I want you to take comfort in knowing that you are in a good position right now. The goal is to hold on to the power and switch your focus to re-attracting your ex.
Now, that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy. Getting this person back will require personal development, introspection, patience, self control, motivation, and hard work, but at the end of the day, you’re going to be happy you did it. Just make sure that you use this time wisely.
One thing I would like to mention is that given the circumstance, the No Contact Rule would not be ideal for you. The first step for you would be to reestablish communication with your ex, and do your best to avoid talking about the past. You need to focus on the future, not what happened yesterday. If you focus on the past, keep apologizing, and if you are needy, you’re going to send them down a negative memory lane. You’ll either be putting them on a pedestal, or you will not be giving yourself the opportunity to build something new with them.
You want to new relationship that is independent from this breakup.
Perhaps this was a mistake, but don’t forget that it is through making mistakes that we learn and are able to shape our future into something better.
And as this article comes to an end, I just want to take one more moment to mention that it’s important to take some time to think about the relationship. If you made the decision to end it, it means that you were unhappy with something. Before you decide to actively work on getting your ex back, you have to make sure that you analyze the situation and work on finding long term solutions to the issues you were having in the relationship. I don’t want you to get back with this person simply out of emotional dependency.
If there was something wrong in your relationship, you and your ex are going to have to discuss it if you’re going to get back together. You do not want to end up in the same situation again a few months down the road! He needs to understand why you left, and when you start piecing things back together, you’ll have to work as a team to overcome those obstacles in the future.
You’ll both need to be honest with one another once you start having more serious conversations, and don’t be afraid to talk about what needs to change. This will come after you’ve gone through the re-attraction phase.
I know that you’re feeling all kinds of things right now, but if you’re regretting a breakup, and even if you’re regretting a breakup years later, always remember that it’s not just about being together; it’s about being happy together.
As always, we are here to help so don’t hesitate to reach out or leave your question in the comments section below.
Wishing you all the best
Your coach when you’re thinking, “I regret breaking up with him”