It’s common knowledge that a very large number of marriages end in divorce in today’s day and age. Perhaps you’re wondering if you’re about to go down the same road. You and your partner are constantly fighting and getting on each other’s nerves. In your heart of hearts you know that you don’t want it to end… You married your spouse for a reason but you feel like you’re in a cloud of problems that seems almost impossible to see through. Many people in your shoes would simply wave their white flag and give up on their marriage. It’s such a shame because there are so many tools available for making things right between two people, but they feel that things have gotten too out of hand.
But you are searching for answers to save your relationship, which means you’ve got the motivation to do what’s necessary! In this article you will find the marriage help you need in order to know whether you should fight for your marriage and how to do it.
Saving a marriage is going to require daily effort, patience, and determination. Sure it’s easy to just give up, but when you’ve got something that is worth fighting for, you’ll be glad you weathered the storm! You don’t want to live in regret. Things are rough right now, but trust me, if you start changing the things that aren’t working, you’ll quickly see an improvement.
What are the signs that I need help in my marriage?
Every aspect of life has its ups and downs. It’s what makes things move… Think about a heart beat monitor as a representation of life. When it’s going up and down it means that you’re alive and kicking, but when it’s flat lining, it means that you’re not… In a relationship, you’re going to have these ups and downs as well, so there’s no need to panic. If there’s no movement, then there’s nothing happening between you and your partner and your relationship will fizzle out. The trick is to ensure that the difference between the highs and lows isn’t too extreme.
As I explain in my Audio Seminars To Fix Marriages And Get Back With A Spouse, it is perfectly normal for relationships to encounter challenges along the way. Some obstacles will of course be larger than others, but with perseverance you can overcome pretty much anything! I know that right now you’re thinking I need help in my marriage, so let’s take a look at the gravity of the issues you’re facing.
I need marital help for minor problems that aren’t too present
Marriages can suffer when small problems are allowed to accumulate. It often happens without the two partners even realizing that they could use some marriage help. People get so busy with work and responsibilities that they don’t notice that communication with their partner is becoming damaged. For instance, one partner says, “Where are the paper towels,” and the other hears, “I can’t believe you haven’t gone to the store to get more yet!” Or, one person says, “I’m getting a drink with friends tonight,” and the other person hears, “I don’t want to spend time with you tonight.”
Learning proper communication and maintaining it is going to be a lifesaver for most relationships. I will share more information on how to work on improving it in the second half of this article.
A few months ago, I was coaching a client of mine, Joshua, who had reached out because him and his wife were constantly bickering and on the brink of divorce. Their fights were never explosive, but rather small and frequent (and over just about anything!) Together, him and I discovered that the real issue was not about who did the dishes or who socialized more.
It was about the fact that as a couple, they weren’t good at communicating with one another. They would sweep meaningful and important issues under the rug; but this only made them secretly resent each other; hence the small, frequent arguments. After we shed light to this, Joshua sat with his wife and expressed this realization and consequently saved their marriage!
Another issue that silently creeps in and begins to threaten a marriage is falling victim to a Routine. It happens when two people become either too lazy or too caught up in other aspects of their own lives instead of focusing on keeping their relationship interesting. The relationship then becomes monotonous, boring, and unfulfilling. The two partners begin to wonder why they’re even together, start to view one another as a weight, and in more serious cases, it might give rise to unfaithfulness (which can end a marriage in a snap of a finger.)
Speaking of serious cases, let’s look at some of the more major problems that ensure that the marriage needs help.
I’m facing major problems and I need help in my marriage!
The most obvious and serious problem that a person can face in a marriage is abuse, both physical and mental. I’m going to be very clear with you. If you’re being submitted to any type of physical or mental violence, your marriage doesn’t need help; it needs to end. There is simply no excuse.
Many people remain with abusive partners out of fear, financial reasons, to ensure that the kids don’t grow up with divorced parents… but there are organizations designed to help you. A quick Google search will provide you with all kinds of options and if you aren’t sure where to start or need some extra help, get in touch with us here: We’re just a click away!
Another serious problem that can make you begin to wonder how to help my marriage is when there is resentment between the two partners. Perhaps something hasn’t been forgiven, or apologized for, and it’s making one partner think badly of the other. Perhaps both partners think badly of each other!
When one partner starts telling the other one that they’re going to leave, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. It’s clear that they’re very unhappy, and it’s also very unfair of them to dangle that over your head.
You’ve got a major problem and you’re going to need to help your marriage when you or your partner are more often unhappy in the marriage than happy.
When you want to fix a marriage, it’s important to understand that a person can only truly change if they want to. Similarly, improving a marriage has to be a joint effort. If only one person is doing all the work then that will foster more resentment, unbalance, and negative patterns.
Is my marriage worth saving? Find out if marital help is the answer!
To put it simply, marriage should be an enhancement of your life…not a hindrance. If you feel that it’s really stopping you from being happy, you’ve got two options. Either you fix the problem, or you move on. If you’re unhappy, something has to change. But you already know that, as you’re reading this article!
There is always help for marriages in trouble, and it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth the effort. It’s not going to be easy, so you’ve got to be determined, and as I just said, the effort will have to come from both parties.
Let’s look at some situations in which the marriage is worth saving.
Marriage advice: It’s worth saving when…
How do you feel when you think about separating from your partner? Do you feel relieved or filled with sadness? Would you feel regret if you didn’t try to get help for marriage?
If you feel that it would hurt you to be without your spouse then the marriage is worth saving. Pretty straight forward, right?
But then sometimes things get a bit more confusing. You got married because you were so deeply in love, and then with time you started to get bored and now you might even be interested in someone else! So you’re conflicted. Is it possible to be happy with your spouse again? Can you bring things back to the way they were, or should you leave and start something new?
If you can look back and clearly remember your good times, the things you loved, and the happiness you shared, it’s a sign that the marriage can be saved and is worth doing so! With a bit of effort from both you and your spouse to help the marriage, things can be restored. But more on that a little later…
If you have children together (and your partner is not abusive!) then the marriage is worth saving as well. Studies show a significant difference in children that grow up with happy parents. Even their immune systems have been seen to be stronger. Fascinating, right?
If your marriage is suffering from the minor problems I outlined above, it’s going to be easier to save. If you’re dealing with resentment, arguing, communication issues, or secrets, it’s going to be harder, but don’t worry; it’s still possible.
Let’s get back to Joshua, the client I referred to previously in this article. When Joshua first called, one of his largest concerns was whether the marriage was even worth saving.
Could the issues be resolved? When he reached out, he really doubted it.
However, over the course of our journey together, we identified that if he and his wife could put in the necessary TLC toward the marriage, that the issues could really be prevented. The question of “can I even save my marriage” transformed into “how can I save my marriage?!”
How to help marriage: Knowing when it’s not worth saving
As I said, a marriage should be ended when it’s abusive. If you feel fear and that you are not safe, it’s time to get out.
But that’s not the only situation in which it’s not worth saving your marriage. If you feel that it’s become destructive, and that it’s hindered your life beyond repair, it might be time to move on as well. If your partner truly keeps you from advancing in the things that are important to you, then your marriage is not fulfilling and your partner is not doing their part to help you live the best version of your life.
There are situations in which it’s not clear how exactly to get help with my marriage problems, and it is helpful to seek some objective help. I say objective because your friends and family aren’t always the best people to ask for advice.
Why? This is either because they love you and tend to be bias, or because they themselves have been scored in a previous relationship and have lost hope in them working all together.
If you’re talking about being unhappy, they might urge you to move on without making an effort to fix the problems you’re having. Sometimes, if we’re speaking with friends or family, we may hide or censor things that have happened and so their advice will be inaccurate. Either way, you feel regret and possibly even worse than you already do.
As I mentioned above, we are here to help you every step of the way!
If you think about being single again or just simply separated from your partner, and you feel a burst of energy, you might be ready to move on. The thing is, it’s not the end of the world. If deep down you know that instead of getting marriage help you just want to be on your own, it’s OK.
Things change and life evolves in ways we sometimes don’t expect. Many people stay in an unhappy marriage because they’re afraid of being alone, but life existed before you were with your spouse and it will continue to exist if you separate!
But if you know in your heart of hearts that you want to make this work, let’s look at what you can start doing to turn the tides!
Over the last 14 months, I’ve been working with Elliot, and he’s a great example of someone who needed to walk away from his marriage. Actually, when he first called, he hadn’t even considered leaving his current relationship and environment. He reached out because his wife had filed for separation and he was desperate.
I will never forget the sound in his voice. He was truly devastated. Together, we identified that the real reason he wanted to stay was because she was all he had ever known, and he was petrified of living his life alone. Before he knew it, he realized that she was actually helping him by leaving! Today, the divorce is being settled and he’s really focusing on his personal development.
It’s been an amazing experience working with him and observing this outstanding transformation.
15 Pro Tips to Help my Marriage
1. Make a list of the things that you feel need to change. Have your partner do the same thing. Don’t skip the touchy subjects or the things that might embarrass you. The goal is to find solutions so you must both be honest and open about what you need. Sit down together and discuss each topic, while making sure you actively listen to one another.
If the conversation starts to become an argument, discontinue it by telling your partner that rectifying this marriage means a lot to you and that you want to make sure you both are level leaded.
Work together to propose solutions and then to incorporate them into your daily lives.
2. Nurture trust. Making each other feel safe is the glue that keeps a couple together. Make an effort to be honest and truthful. It serves as an example for your spouse, and as an invitation for them to do the same. When they open up to you about something, take care to be receptive instead of defensive!
3. When you’re writing the list of things you feel need to change, write another list of all the things you loved in the beginning on your relationship. The things you did together, the things that made you feel special, the places you went, the things you said, all of it. When you finish discussing the first list, share this one with each other, and work on bringing these things back!
4. Remember to take care of yourself because it ensures that you can take care of your marriage. One of the best ways how to help a marriage is by nurturing your own happiness. It allows you to feel better every day, and it will reflect in all aspects of your life. Avoid allowing yourself to become depressed and disinterested in your partner! Working on yourself keeps things feeling alive and progressive, and you should invite your partner to do the same.
5. Be careful to not be in denial about the issues you’re having. Similarly, if things need to change, make sure you’re not being stubborn. Pride can be a huge roadblock, especially when things are in need of repair.
6. One of the most important pieces of marriage help is paying attention to the language you use when communicating with your partner. If you need to criticize, make it constructive. Instead of using words like bullets (ex. “You never spend time with me,”) turn the phrase around to begin with “I” or “we” (ex. “I miss spending time with you the way we used to.”) Incorporate more of: I love you, Thank you, I understand, I am proud of you…. Avoid: You always, You never, You’re such a….”
7. Make sure things are fair. Sharing responsibilities is one of the best ways how to help my marriage. One partner shouldn’t have more of a burden than the other because it can give rise to resentment. If your partner is doing something like washing the dishes or taking things out of the car, don’t think twice about giving them a hand.
8. Don’t be hostile, defensive, snide, or blaming, even if you’re upset. Practice keeping your cool and having levelheaded conversations. If you see that things are escalating, go ahead and walk away for a bit to let things cool down before continuing the conversation.
9. Work on recognizing your flaws and making improvements. Trying to make your partner change makes them become more defensive and resistant. Both of you must become better to improve marriage. Like I said, it can’t be a one sided effort.
10. Understand the importance of space, as well as the importance of being truly present. Many people, and more often men than women, just need some space sometimes. Allowing for your partner to take their space and not taking it personally makes both of you feel more satisfied in the relationship. When you are together, especially if you’re taking the time to specifically do something together, practice being fully there. Put your phone on silent and look into your partner’s eyes when you’re speaking. Lean, don’t cross your arms and keep your body language in mind.
11. Another tool that can really help in marriage is something called “mirroring.” Basically it helps you to show your partner that you’re listening closely to what they’re saying. When they express something important to you, respond with, “So what you’re saying is…” or, “Ok I see, so you mean that…” It lets them know that they are really being heard.
12. Help support your partner to be the best they can be. Support their hobbies and their work. Show them you’re proud of them and ask them questions about things that are important to them. Laughing at a partner for something they enjoy doing, or being completely indifferent about it, pushes you further apart because you damage the complicity between you.
13. Don’t underestimate the importance of date night when you’re thinking, “I need help with marriage!” The simple act of taking time to spend together is going to make a huge difference, IF you work on focusing on enjoying yourselves. Go out of your way to take your significant other somewhere new and just be together. Don’t bring up problems or the To Do list.
Take it a step further by going somewhere neither of you have been, this will add an element of excitement to your date and make it more stimulating!
14. Focus on the positive. Communicate to your partner what you like about them, what you like doing with them. Make them feel special, and practice active listening. Give them more praise and practice gratitude. Have more fun together and show each other you appreciate each other through small gestures every day. If you want some ideas for romantic things to do, check out this article right away when your wife wants to divorce!
15. Take some time every day to reflect on your happiest memories together. Starting a conversation with your husband or wife when you’ve got your first date in mind can make for a much more positive exchange. When you focus on making each exchange more positive, you’ll see some pretty fantastic results to save your marriage.
Overcoming hardships with marriage only makes you stronger
We all know the expression, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” right? Well here’s a perfect example. Sometimes it’s very healthy to be faced with challenges and be in need of help with marriage because it forces you to face and fix the things that are keeping you from being truly happy together.
Another saying is you don’t know how much you love something until it’s gone, but in this situation it’s also true that you don’t realize how much you love someone until you’re faced with the possibility of losing them. Marriage trouble can serve as an important wake up call because you see how willing you are to fight for the one you love.
When you overcome this obstacle, your relationship will have become even more solid because you know that you’re strong enough to brave the storm, and you will have diminished amount of obstacles you’ll have to face in the future.
I know it’s a lot to handle, but just take it day by day, little action after little action, and things will get back on track. Stay in control of your emotions and one day you’ll be happy that you two had to go through this period together (promise!)
Your relationship expert in marriage help,