Divorce rates are at an all time high in today’s day and age. People resort to splitting up from the person they vowed to spend the rest of their life with at the drop of a hat… A while ago I was talking about how to save a marriage with an older gentleman and he told about how he and his wife had been able to remain happily married for over 60 years.
“I come from a time when something was broken, you didn’t just throw it away. You fixed it with marriage advice.”
His response really stuck with me because it’s true… It’s become so normal in our culture to just move on to the next thing at the first sign of a challenge, and in reality that’s not always a smart move.
A couple will undoubtedly face issues and part of the idea of being someone’s partner is working on navigating through these things and coming out even stronger. But you’re fully aware of this and you’d like to know how to save a marriage so that you two can be happy together again! In this article we will explore some of the ways that you can immediately start changing things for the better. You need marriage help? You’ve found the perfect place to find all the tips and rules to make your relationship last forever.
Improving things between you and your spouse is going to require patience, determination, and self-control. Whether the issue is an accumulation of little things that make both of you unhappy, or something substantial that has happened, you can turn the situation around. In the first part of the article we will explore what’s happening and what you are feeling, and in the second section I will provide you with tools that will start improving the situation today!
Saving your marriage: Do you know why it’s failing?
Your marriage used to make you so happy… When did it get so bad? You two can’t seem to agree on anything, you feel a sinking feeling in your stomach whenever you’re together. Perhaps you’ve even started sleeping separately and you’re wondering is saving your marriage is even going to be possible. Rest assured, most marriages can be salvaged but the key is going to be understanding what exactly is going wrong. Understanding what the problem is will be the only way you’ll be able to figure out the proper solutions to turn this thing around!
Sometimes it’s not as easy as one might think to pinpoint the issue. Saving marriage isn’t only reserved for couples that are faced with big shocks like infidelity or serious lies. Things can slowly deteriorate over time and leave two people on the brink of divorce…
The most straightforward and effective thing to do when trying to save a marriage (or keeping one healthy!) is communicating. It is crucial right now to have some serious (and calm!) conversations with your partner to explore what you both want to change, what you both need, and also to make sure that you two are on the same page and still share the same goals. Are you both willing to give resolution a chance? Are there any underlying issues or unresolved traumas?
To give you a better idea of what can hurt a relationship more than one might think, here are some of the most common things that creep in and damage relationships.
Do I need to save the marriage because it has become boring?
After having spent years together, the honeymoon stage fades away, and that’s perfectly normal. The problem that often arises is that couples don’t make the necessary effort to ensure that their connection remains exciting, even if it’s “mature.” They don’t carve time out for one another, they don’t make each other feel special, and they allow things to become monotonous and boring. You didn’t get married to find a roommate…
If The Routine is the problem, saving a failing marriage isn’t going to be that complicated because all you have to do is bring back the things and activities that brought you joy and excitement. I will expand on that a little later on. It’s of course easier said than done, but with proper communication and perseverance, nothing is impossible in love!
It’s important to spend quality time together so that you can nurture your bond.
Do I need to save my marriage because we’ve suffocated each other?
When two people spend too much time together and lose track of their own lives, the relationship becomes dangerously unbalanced and can put you both in the position of having to take steps to save your marriage. We sometimes forget the importance of having our own lives!
One of the most important things to do in order to keep a marriage healthy (and also happens to be one of the most commonly neglected elements) is making sure you never lose yourself. Your partner fell in love with you for the person you are, and you should make sure to continue to focus on your passions and work on feeling fulfilled.
Neither one of you wants to feel like a weight… A partner should be at your side, not on your shoulders.
Moreover, not spending every second together can help the passion and excitement return to your marriage. You can develop your social life and do things with your friends that make you feel happier. Being the best version of yourself substantially enriches your relationship. Remember, if you are feeling happier in other aspects of your life, it will affect your mood and behavior and can facilitate easier exchanges with your partner.
Our personalities are clashing so I want to save our marriage!
You know, pride can be one of the nastiest things in a marriage. You’re supposed to be partners; not competitors. Are you wondering about what to do to save your marriage because you two can’t agree on anything?
It’s totally normal that you two don’t agree on everything. You’re human beings and you have your own opinions. The success of your relationship will depend on the way you express your disagreements. It is more, “No, you’re wrong, how could you even think something so stupid?” or, “I see what you’re saying, but I don’t really agree. In my opinion…” ?
Sometimes I see people being stubborn for no good reason and they don’t realize what a terrible effect it is having on their marriage. That said, if the issue if important it should not be set aside; but rather discussed in a serene and collected conversation. This is once again where proper communication comes into play. I will give you some pointers on how to do that in the second portion of this article!
By the way, it’s also fine to just agree to disagree, or to set the topic aside. If you find yourself always fighting about the same little things and you can never reach common ground, and if the issue at hand isn’t a huge deal, you can always just let it go.
Disagreeing with your partner is no cause for panic or thoughts of “Can my marriage be saved??” Exchanges just need to be healthy, and by that I mean: Calm, collected, and respectful.
Can our marriage be saved and is it really worth it?
Saving the marriage isn’t going to be a walk in the park, and it’s important that you understand this. You’ll need to work on it every single day, and it’s not going to be fixed over night. If you decide to work on restoring your relationship, your partner will have to be on the same page. You won’t get anywhere if you’re the only one doing the work. Both of you will have to explore the root of the problem and come up with solutions together, and subsequently implement these solutions into your daily lives.
Sometimes you’re not quite sure if you should try to do this, so you have to take some time to weigh the pros and cons of saving marriages. Like I just said, it’s not going to be easy so if you’re going to do it, you have to do it wholeheartedly. Otherwise, you won’t move forward because you’ll still be hesitating. Here are some of the things to think about when you’re wondering if you should try to save your marriage.
When contemplating should I save my marriage, consider this:
Perhaps you’re not 100% convinced that you want to be together, but at the same time you’re not completely sure if you want to be separated from your spouse either…
If you have kids, it’s especially important to think about the consequences of a separation. Studies show that children that grow up with happy parents not only show significant signs of improved social skills, but also have more resilient immune systems. Your children see that you and your spouse are unhappy and remember, it’s serving as an example for them.
That said, two parents can be perfectly happy and set a good example for their children even if they’re not together, as long as they remain respectful of one another.
In any case, if you’re not quite sure what you feel for your spouse, try imagining them being intimate with another person. What do you feel? If you don’t feel anything at all, then you might be ready to move on. If on the other hand you feel a surge of emotion, then it’s time to think about how to save a marriage.
Is it possible that you and your partner are meant to be good friends? This happens more often that we realize, and it’s not the end of the world. In fact, if you need to separate then this is probably the easiest situation.
I also invite you to take a look at what is bothering you and take a step back to gain some perspective. It’s important to understand that the perfect person does not exist, marriage is hard work, and all relationships encounter challenges. It is up to you to gauge the gravity of the situation. Is the issue here that you do not share common interests with your partner, or that you feel disrespected and unfulfilled?
If your partner does not share your love for certain activities like surfing or books, it’s not as serious as if your partner speaks to you in a destructive manner. One should never settle, but it’s also very important to understand that two partners are two people… Try not to panic if you’re realizing that you’re not quite as similar as you thought and wrack your brain with thoughts of “Can we save our marriage? It’s OK. Differences in relationships are healthy and help both people to explore new things and keep an open mind.
Last but not least, you have to trust your gut. You have to follow your instinct because deep down you know whether or not this marriage is worth fixing. Some people stay with their spouse out of fear of being alone, and they forget that life is teeming with possibilities and opportunities.
If you’re feeling that this is maybe the case for you, don’t be afraid to face these feelings. Life existed before your partner and it will continue to exist without them!
No matter what the situation is, do not make hasty decisions. If you’re in the heat of the moment, or if you’ve just had a nasty fight, don’t resort to talk of divorce right off the bat. It’s a huge undertaking and if you’re going to do it, you have to be sure.
Can a bad marriage be saved? Depends on the problems…
Well, I suppose I should say, “should” a bad marriage be saved. Truth is, most relationships can be saved and one can even get their ex back after a separation, but some marriages require that you really ask yourself some important questions. If you are being physically or mentally abused in your marriage then You’ve got to ask yourself if this can stop, and why it’s become this way. Is your partner acting out because of the situation or is it their character? In these types of difficult situations it’s best to reach out for help some a professional, and we are here to help you.
If you’re wondering can my marriage be saved and you’re not being subjected to any type of violence, the answer depends on the size of the problems. To be honest, it pretty much depends on what you want. If you really truly want to make this work, you’ll do what it takes and bring about change. All you need is a bit of guidance. But if your heart just isn’t in it anymore, and you’re still going to try, your effort will most likely be halfhearted and therefore not nearly as effective.
Bare in mind: this is a partnership, and if things are going to improve, it has to be a joint effort. Both of you must want to save the marriage. You both have to be active communicators, active listeners, and you both must make the effort to bring about positive change.
I know it’s easier said than done but like I said earlier, if the love and motivation are there, everything is possible. (This is part of the reason why it’s so important to have honest conversations about what you’re both feeling and where you both want this to go… And what you’re willing to do about it!)
You both must show willingness to change and get to it! Words are one thing…Actions are another.
How to save a marriage: The techniques for immediate improvement!
Talk to your partner about your relationship’s strengths; not just its weaknesses. I know you might be wondering what is a healthy relationship like because it feels like it’s been so long since you and your spouse have been happy… And I can tell you that a lot of it has to do with lifting your partner up, and creating an environment that makes you both want to spend more time together.
If you’re both making each other feel awful, why would you want to be around each other?
I understand that sometimes talking to your partner about what’s bothering you, especially when it feels like it’s become so messy, can feel really overwhelming. So write it down.
If you feel that there are things you can’t say, you can write your partner a letter. It’s an approach that’s not aggressive (as long as you pay attention to your tone of voice,) and it’s not going to put them in fight or flight mode because it’s not happening live and face to face.
Train yourself to see positive things as well as the silver linings. For example, if you and your spouse are being faced with marriage trouble, it means that you’re being given an opportunity to overcome it, better understand each other, and to make your bond stronger than ever. Negative feelings are wake up calls!
If you’re really feeling stuck and you’re experiencing a marriage crisis, don’t be afraid to seek help. Sometimes people don’t want to do this simply because of pride, but don’t forget that it’s very common for people to be experiencing problems in their marriage. Sometimes it really helps to just open up to someone who you trust or to someone trained in the field.
When approaching touchy or important subjects, be careful to do it at appropriate times. For example, if your spouse is busy cooking dinner and helping your kids with their homework don’t bring up an issue in conversation because it’s just not the right time. There are too many distractions and other things going on that the conversation will risk being too short or taken badly.
Save your marriage now with these 10 Expert Tips
There are plenty of things that you can start doing today when you’re wondering how to save a marriage. I’ve compiled a list of 10 of them, so get started right away!
1. Use constructive criticism and pay attention to the way you speak to your partner. Say, “I love you,” “Thank you,” “I understand,” “ I am proud of you” “We don’t spend time together like we used to.” Avoid phrasing such as; “You just never have any time for me, do you!” Avoid starting your sentences with, “You always…” “You never,” or “You’re a…”
2. Practice mirroring. When your partner is expressing a concern or their unhappiness about something, repeat what they say back to them so that they see that they’re being heard. “So what you’re saying is that…”
3. Understand the importance of space in a relationship. Some people need it more than others, and some people think that it’s a bad sign if their partner needs some time to themselves regularly. It’s actually very healthy to have alone time. It allows you to focus on your own projects and goals, and on taking care of yourself. When you’re together, it’s even better because you have the opportunity to miss each other.
4. Don’t forget to date. One of the most common things that break a marriage apart is when the two partners don’t make time for each other. They neglect their bond and don’t do anything to make each other feel special anymore. There should always be time for the other person, even if it’s just having your coffees together in the morning before work!
5. Touch more. A lot of couples stop touching long before they separate. If things have gotten really bad, reintroduce touch little by little. Sit closer together on the couch, touch your partner’s arm when you’re talking. When two people touch a chemical is released. It’s called oxytocin, aka “the bonding chemical.”
6. Make sure things are fair. Responsibilities should be balanced so that no resentment can be harbored. Speaking of resentment, make sure that you’re both open and communicative when things are wrong. Pent up feelings are poisonous!
7. Focus on recognizing your own flaws and making improvements. Trying to make your partner change makes them become more defensive and resistant. Both of you must become better to save a failing marriage.
8. Another thing that you can do when you want to repair a damaged relationship is to reintroduce humor! I know it might sound a little odd, but think about it. Doesn’t it feel good to laugh with your partner and to see them smiling? Now is the ideal time to work on creating a positive environment and de-escalating the situation.
9. Make a list of what you feel needs to change and have your partner do that same. Share your lists and come up with solutions together.
10. Take a moment every day to remember something that brought you joy with your spouse. Remind yourself of the good times. It is human nature to focus on the negative, so don’t let it stamp out all the good things you shared and continue to share.
By using the tools you need for how to save a marriage you can make it stronger than ever!
I know how hard it feels right now, but challenges like this are a blessing in disguise. No matter what happens next, you’ll be on the road to happiness. Either you will repair your marriage with your significant other, or you will become free to find something that fulfills you. It’s hard to be optimistic when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, but let me assure you that life operates with ups and downs. If you’re feeling this bad, the only way is up!
Take things one step at a time, and don’t lose your cool. It’s a lot to handle but if you can keep your emotions in check and focus on making improvements every day, things will improve quickly. We are here to help so don’t hesitate to reach out to us here! Feel free to leave a comment below and we’d be more than happy to personally respond to your questions and concerns.
Hang in there and remember: this is only temporary.
If you want more further advice, go ahead and leave a comment on the bottom of this article and I will be happy to personally respond to you!
Your relationship expert for how to save a marriage