My ex called me. What should I do?!

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my ex called me

For many people out there, receiving a phone call or text message from your ex is truly a dream come true. Once their ex calls, it’s all rainbows and butterflies.
For other people, however, it’s a real shock. Why? Well, because frankly, it can be really scary and you may just not know how to react when faced with this type of situation (after all, getting a call from your ex, no matter or recent or outdated the relationship is, doesn’t happen everyday!)

If the communication between you and your ex has taken a hit after the breakup, that’s completely normal. Therefore, if you’re part of the group who is petrified of the reality that your ex is calling, then don’t worry, this response is also normal! However, just because it’s weird, doesn’t mean it has to stay weird. You can recover the dialogue and go back to the times when it felt so easy and comfortable.

If you’re hoping to get back together with your ex, it’s important to be able to find a good way to be in touch, even if this can make you feel pretty uncomfortable at times!

When you hear from an ex, you may immediately begin asking yourself any of the following questions:

1. Why am I getting a phone call?
2. How should I take advantage of this opportunity to turn things around?
3. What should I say to them to reignite attraction?

If you’re asking yourself these questions, you’ll definitely be interested in this article! I want to mention prior to getting into details, that this article, like any other I publish, is meant to spark dialogue and conversation. I encourage you to leave a comment in the section below. Include your age and your partners age, and if you’re comfortable, share your personal experience with receiving contact from your ex. How did you handle it? Do you wish you would have handled it differently?

This website is for everyone, and your experience can really influence the decision-making process of thousands of other people trying to navigate through their own relationships.

Answering a call from your ex: Under what circumstances?

When you receive a phone call from your ex, if your feelings are still present, it can be a real relief. In fact, maybe you’ve been waiting for this phone call for some time now. You didn’t make the first step because you didn’t want to suffocate them and you wanted to give them the space they needed. If you took this approach, way to go! The ability to go into a period of No Contact following a relationship is the number one method I practice with my clients. (Well, my practice is called Radio Silence, and there are a variety of articles on this website about how to implement it and the types of results you should expect to see.)

When you see their name show up on your phone, you’re instantly filled with joy and adrenaline. Remember, just because it feels good to hear from them, doesn’t mean it’s a great idea to pick up the call or respond. Make sure that it feels right and that you’re prepared to handle it.

This conversation can truly influence whether or not you and your ex get back together, so don’t take it lightly. If you need help prepping for this, please reach out to me and we can discuss in a one-on-one coaching session.

Sometimes, men and women rush things and the first mistake they make is thanking their ex for the call. This is a “no-no”, because this reminds the ex how much they’re missed. In other words if you do this, you’re doing exactly the opposite of what you’re supposed to be doing. In this situation, you should not act like this because you’ll waste a perfect opportunity to get back in touch with your ex in a healthy way. If you feel you might break one of the rules of getting back together, then don’t answer. If you know you can control yourself, go ahead and answer.

As a coach, I would rather you wait until you’re ready and then execute correctly, than rush into it just because an opportunity has presented itself. Remember, don’t jeopardize the potential for a long term relationship with your ex at the expense of wanting it right now. Love is not a race. If you rush it, you’ll run out of steam before the journey ends. Be mindful of this.

My ex called me but should I respond?

Since each situation is different, it’s hard for me to give you a direct answer about when it’s appropriate to answer your ex’s call. However, if you’re questioning it, then there’s a pretty good chance it’s too soon.

In any case, the most important thing to do is for you to keep your self-control and to not get too “caught up” in the idea of talking to your ex partner. Even though it’s an important step when trying to get back together, keep your cool: it’s just a phone call.

Before even thinking about answering, you have to make sure you’ve worked on your self-confidence. This way you’ll be able to have a conversation with your ex without begging, without making them see that you’re suffering incessantly from heartache.

Wallowing and voicing how much you’re struggling isn’t very attractive for your ex, so keep these things to yourself and don’t divulge your intentions quite yet. Just like during the seduction phase, you’ll have to remain neutral. Remember – its not a race.

This phone call is a possible means to ensure a way to meet up with the person in question. The first time you meet up face to face after a breakup isn’t always easy. Stress, anxiety and even your emotions can make you feel uneasy. If you use this call as well as future ones to repair your communication, your discussions will be much easier and you’ll be more inclined to organize meeting up with your ex face to face.

If you do secure a face-to-face meeting with you’re ex, make sure you’re ready. We have a bunch of articles on how to knock the first date out of the park and I encourage you to dive into them to prep for the big interaction.

Picking Up My Ex’s Call if I Don’t Want Him Back:

It’s important to note that, when it comes to the advice I’ve listed thus far, second guessing is only for those really trying to get their ex back. If you aren’t, which may be the case for a lot of readers, and you’ve clearly decided to turn the page (and hopefully
This could be a good way to reopen healthy contact with an ex after a separation.

However, there could be a couple reasons why you shouldn’t pick up the phone, even if you’re over them. For instance, is answering an ex’s phone call a good idea when you’re in a new relationship?

Your new partner might not be comfortable with you being in touch with your ex. Or, if they’re in a new relationship, will their partner cause a fuss because your ex is calling? If you’re truly over someone, you probably don’t want to stir the pot of your own life, so be cautious when it comes to answering your ex’s call, even if you’re over him/her and the situation.

Why is my ex contacting me?

When you receive an unexpected phone call from your ex, the very first thing you wonder is why? It’s true that this isn’t something that happens all the time, and even though many of my readers dream of being in this situation, when it finally happens it’s not always as easy as they expected. You can receive a call from an ex for many reasons, so a huge tip is to not garment that call with any expectations whatsoever. Here are 3 popular reasons we see as coaches regarding : Why My Ex Is Calling? 

They regret their decision and want to get back in touch with you. If you’re one of the people trying to get back together with your ex, then for obvious reasons a situation around them calling is ideal. If this is the case, then I still encourage you not to discuss the struggles of getting over them for reasons previously listed, but, at least you’ll have the comfort of knowing that your dream is on the verge of materializing and you’re going to get your ex back.

The radio silence worked! As I previously mention, Radio Silence is a critical technique in getting your ex back. If you started to implement this tool specifically to make them realize how much they need you then guess what, it worked! By cutting contact with your ex, you’ve nudged them to make the first move. You can therefore answer the call, but don’t think that this automatically means that your period or Radio Silence has to end.

In fact, if you throw Radio Silence out the window just because they called, then they’ll know the power is in their court and this is NOT what we want to happen. Be very mindful of this. While your ex calling may mean that Radio Silence is working, it doesn’t mean that Radio Silence is ending – make note of this distinction if you want to get your ex back. Keep your distance even if you’re smiling from ear to ear while you’re on the phone!

A phone call from your ex could also result from guilt. They know you’re going through a difficult period and that it’s hard for you to move on from this breakup. So in order to “help you,” they’re calling. Unfortunately, even though your ex is clearly thinking of you, this isn’t the best solution. Your job now is to turn this feeling of guilt into a feeling of missing you if you want them back. You can do this by passing on their support and comfort and instead, showcase that you’re growing and looking at this situation like an opportunity to evolve as a person. Needless to say, this IS how you should be viewing your breakup. This experience can help redefine the relationship you have with the most valuable person in your life : yourself.

In the end, the goal of this article is to illustrate that while you should be cautious about your ex’s decision to reach out, it’s important not to panic and overexert yourself emotionally. Don’t let your ex or anyone in your life convince you that you don’t hold the cards in your relationship and that in fact, you can make this conversation go just the way you want it to. Time is in your favor, so don’t be afraid to experiment with it and let it help you avoid being needy or demanding of their time. Happiness is something you create for yourself, and no breakup should impair your ability to live an excellent and satisfying life.

Last but not least, don’t forget to let them make the effort. Let them work for it! Work for you! Why? Because after all, your ex is the one making the call. They’ll searching for connection for one reason or another. Because of this, the ball is in your court and the jury in your favor.

Your coach for knowing how to react after saying my ex called me!

32 Responses

  1. This %100 works. Been in no contact from the moment he said it was over. Been crying and missing him. He texted 2 weeks in and I ignored. Called and left a long phone message tonight. Missing you, see me, blah blah blah, 3 weeks to the day. You know what? He doesn’t get to break my heart. Really annoyed now and not feeling it anymore. Men seem to have a knack for knowing that from afar. Stay strong ladies.

  2. Hi Anthony,
    Thank you for your share. This is natural, believe it or not. When trying to get back with an ex, we get overly excited when it starts to really work! What you’ll need to do is maintain that momentum. I can help you here. I invite you to book a session with me and I’ll share some great tools and action items geared toward helping you keep your cool.
    Coach N.

    1. Hi Natalie thanks for your reply how much would it cost ? Cause I’m financially strapped presently I hope I can afford it causes i would do whatever it takes to get my family back together my children and their mom means the world to me.

  3. My ex an I broke up a little over a week ago. We had been together for two and a half years. She broke up with me. A day after the break up she went to visit her family for a five days. She was scheduled to do this anyway. During that time I made no attempt to contact her, partly out respect for her but mostly because I just didn’t want to. An additional difficulty we have is that we still have to live together for a couple of months as we are tied into a rental lease. When she was due home, I made a point of not being there and went to my sisters. I stayed over the night. The next day, my ex started phoning me. I didn’t respond. I didn’t want talk with her. After a few calls which I didn’t answer, she took it upon herself to ask my nephew for my Dad’s number. She called my Dad and told him of our split. My folks didn’t know. She also called my place of work to see if I was there. What the hell is she playing at?? If she doesn’t want me why the hell did she want to know where I was. My head is an actual mess.

    1. Hi Ally,
      Could it be that she does want you and time apart is helping her realize it?
      Coach N

      1. Hi Natalie. Thank you for your reply. Well, I’m not too sure about that now. She seems very determined that it is over. She is going out a lot and posting new selfie pictures on Facebook, trying to sell things as she needs the money. I actually really want her to leave now. She said she wants freedom but is so far not showing signs of packing and going. Feels like she is rubbing my face in it. I guess some people are cruel like that.

  4. Hi my X broke up with me about a month ago due to some trust issues and insecurities I had I asked a friend if she was messing around with somebody at work and she found out and she broke up with me without even telling me just cut me off just block me just like that ignored my messages everything so I inflicted the no contact it’s been about a month and yesterday she called me when I got off of work she sounded a little under the influence of alcohol she asked me how I was doing I told her I was fine but mostly she’s a single mother of two girls that I grew very attached to and I asked her how they were doing she said that they have been asking about me a lot that they miss me that they’re constantly asking about me and she’s telling me and that she tells them that I’m just busy and I can’t hang out right now and she said she feels bad for lying to them and she kept the conversation kind of short said she’ll call me back and never did I’m confused if she missing me or she just having Guilt Trip I didn’t want to ask her hey why did you disappear on me or what happened why’d you cut me off didn’t want to rush things .I played it cool and do I contact her or do I wait for her to contact me again. I feel like he was contacting me to see if I still wanted to rekindle a relationship and I feel like I didn’t give her the answer she was looking for I’m really confused what should I do

  5. My girlfriend broke up with me after the most amazing 2 months of my life, I know that is a short time. I was married for 30 years and in another relationship for 2 years. The reason for the breakup was the difference in age, I’m 69 and she is 55. Any thoughts on this?

    1. Hi Earl,
      Thanks for reaching out. When it comes to age, there’s usually other variables in play. I invite you to schedule a coaching session with Adrian or myself for us to discuss.
      Coach N

  6. Hi Coach Natalie,
    Me and my ex broke up about six months ago. We were also engaged. For the first month in a half, I was constantly trying to contact him. He was harsh, mean, and said all kinds of things to me, and blaming me for everything. So about two months into the break up, I stopped contacting him. No contact at all. Three months after that, he contacted me, text message. Said he was thinking about me and he hoped me and the kids were doing well. I responded with “thank you and likewise. We’re doing good.” Two weeks later, he texted again, when we were hit with hurricane Irma, here in Florida. Wanting to know if we were safe and well. I texted him about a week later to wish him a Happy birthday. He responded with “thank you so much”. Well, earlier this week, Monday, he texted again in response to my profile picture, on Facebook, saying he saw it as a suggested friend, and that I look great, and to keep up the great work. I responded with “Thank you, and your profile picture looks great as well. And you have on a pink shirt, which I could never get you to wear pink. It looks great on you.” His response was, “Lol, Yeah, I went against the norm. Thank you.” Then about an hour later, he sends me this text: “I need to get something off my chest because it’s bothering me. I don’t know what it is about you because I can move on without second thoughts. You made me realize what Love is and it’s unfortunate things turned out like they did. I’m not looking for a do over because I believe it was a learning lesson. You are a great woman and I will always have love for you. So with that said i don’t have any hate or regrets toward you. I just truly think that we will always have soul ties and I didn’t understand what that meant because I didn’t truly know what Love was until I met you. It’s like you are in my spirit and I just had to let you know how I felt.” And the conversation went from there. I responded with, “thank you, and I also learned some things from you as well, and neither have you left my spirit. And it would not be a do over, but a Fresh Start.” His response, “It sounds great but I think we should just be friends. Yes I still love you but some things I think you should truly have to let go. Yes there was many great memories but I feel like you are doing things now that I asked you to do for almost two years and yes I understand I was a butt hole at times but it was some things and some people that I know don’t have good intentions for you. I feel better letting you know how I felt. It’s in God’s hands Kenya, that’s all I can say.” I responded with, “I understand.” He responds back with. “Do you really?” And I said, “Yes. You only want to be friends. I understand.” He responds with, “Ok, I’m sorry.” And then calls me for the first time ever on six months. We touch basis on some of what he said in his previous message, asked the kids, ourselves, parents, etc.. Then he asked if he could call me back, I said sure. He never called back. But he texted later that night, “Goodnight Kenya”. The next morning he texted, “Good morning, hope you have a great, day”. Me, thank you and likewise. Later that evening, he texted again, wanting to know if I was upset, about his decision. I said, “it’s your decision, I have to accept and respect it, friend.” His response, “smh, that doesn’t even sound right, but ok.” So, then I said, “Ok, I’m sorry. Am I upset… No, am I bothered… a little. Am I hurt… hmmmm… let’s just say I still desire what you don’t want… and that’s the part that I’m having a hard time with, because my heart is still there. But, all I can do is give it to God.” His responded with, “I understand and I know you’re not going to wait on me forever. Like you said if it’s God’s will it will be. I just don’t know right now.” Me, “I understand,” He did not like that answer. So, I said, “Lol… What?? I’m trying understand things from your perspective, and respect your decision, that’s all.” His response, “Ok I appreciate that. This a first for me. Me: “Well I’m an open ear… ready to listen, if you want to talk. ☺” Him: “Thank you, I just honestly don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve said how I felt and all I can do is pray about it. I just feel if it’s meant to be it will. I reached out to you, to just let you know how I feel about and you know matter what, you will always have a special part of my heart and I’ve never felt like that about an ex EVER!!!” Me: “Well, I’m glad that I was able to touch you, in some sort of way. And again I understand and I’m here.” Him: ” Ok, thanks, my always and forever love”, with emoji kisses. The conversation went on, great. He started calling me babe again, which is what he used to call me. Then all of a sudden, he says, “I think I better stop, because I don’t want to lead you on. I have to be honest with you. I am seeing someone, so my feelings towards you make this difficult but I had to tell you how I felt.” Yes, I was upset, but I soon came back around, and tried to figure out why he contacted me with all this if he’s seeing someone. So I asked, him was he happy, he said that was a hard question for him to answer. Then he said, “I have no complaints about her, but, she’s not you. My mind is in one place, but my heart is with you.” He said something he doesn’t know what to do, he’s gonna pray about it. I congratulated him, and said I’m happy for you. But, He did not like that response. He constantly texts me first with small talk, then he says he needs to stop because his feelings for me are holding him back and it’s making things difficult with his current relationship. And that he’s leaving everything in God’s hand, and he’s just going to pray about it. What do I do? Do I continue to respond to his text messages? Yes, I want to get back with him, and my heart is also with him. What do you suggest?

    1. Hi Kenya,
      Thanks for reaching out. I invite you to schedule a coaching session with me – your situation is very delicate and will need TLC in order to be turned around
      Coach N.

  7. My same ex called me back after each of the two times she broke up. One is the right way to respond, and the other is the wrong way.

    The first time, she texted after 3 years of silence, after she had met and ran off with someone else. We lived in different states, but were friends from 23 years back. I was unsure at first, but decided to be cool, and listen, instead of me talking. I texted back, ‘Hi stranger, How are you?’ Asking her about herself, waiting to hear her real intention. She wanted to apologize for shunning me, and to clear the air. She commented that it was kind of me to not ask any questions. I texted that if she wanted to talk she could call some time. When we spoke, I did not talk about the past, and focused on seeing her again in a casual, fun context. I invited her to come out, and would show her a good time. She was glad I was not mad at her, and she flew out one weekend. We had fun, and I let our old chemistry do the work. There was time later to talk about the past, I just wanted us to have fun. She fell madly in love overnight. It was the best weekend of my life. She realized what I had always felt, that we were rare soulmates who should have always been together.

    But a year later, the long distance relationship took it’s toll on her again, and she met someone else again, and shunned me AGAIN. I could not believe she could possibly dump me again, and it was VERY painful for me. I flew to see her, and she barely agreed to see me, as she was already seriously involved again. I was cool, did not discuss the past, and showed her the new me. I wound up proposing, and she walked away wearing my ring, without answering… she never answered or returned my ring.

    After some months, we had started texting casually some. One day she called. Again, I was unsure how to handle. But she was angry because a friend of mine told her new boyfriend that she still had my ring, which he knew nothing about. I did not handle that call nearly as well. I brought up the past, got very upset, and we started to argue. We ended the conversation with strained politeness, pretending to wish each other well. She blocked me on Facebook and shunned me to appease him. Months later, a friend of hers took it on herself to mail my ring back to me.

  8. Hi,
    4 months ago my ex-boyfriend ended our relationship with no reason given. We were 2 months away from our 2 year mark. We had stress in the relationship for the last few weeks but we always were pretty good about communicating and did not really argue. So it was pretty shocking for this to be the conclusion. We did not have a major falling out or anything, he had obviously been thinking about it and was just being distant. Of course it takes two to tango and I am not perfect so I accepted that I had faults and desperately tried to fix them in those last few weeks but having a pretty solid relationship up until that point and not really knowing where you went wrong other than being desperate at the end was hard to navigate through. Even our family and friends were confused and surprised at his decision because he talked so highly about our future together.
    I am 29 years old and he is turning 31 this month. So I was told it could be a quarter life crisis scenario. To give more background, we lived 3 miles from each other so we spent a significant amount of time together. This had been the longest relationship I had been in and I was devastated at the result. I went thru a deep depression for about a month and lost over 30 lbs. The only thing that got me through other than God were these articles and videos. I listened morning and night or when I started to panic and it did wonders for me. I implemented radio silence, got rid of social media and was able to realize that I needed to just work on myself like you guys have said. Once I did that my life changed for the better. It definitely was not easy and I had a lot of days and moments of uncontrollable emotions but I was able to get out of the depression by eating healthier, working out every day, applying for grad school and getting in and dating again.
    Now dating was hard so fresh out of a relationship but my ex had made no efforts to be in contact with me so I had to find a way to move past it and build my confidence more and that helped. After I completed the radio silence for 2 months I reached out to my ex the way all the videos say and the response I received was pretty neutral. I took it as a positive and realized that I was not over him so it would probably be best if I dived into dating more. I was not physical in any of the relationships and went at my own pace but it made a world of difference.
    Maybe 1 and half months later I got a text from my ex. He told me his 5 year old niece was asking about me and that he also wanted to return my things I had at his place. But the kicker for me was when threw in grabbing a bite to eat. This made me confused and hesitant especially since I worked so hard to build myself up. I had not heard from him for months, but I still was not over him and wanted very much to meet with him so I agreed just not eagerly.
    The meet went really well. Almost like old times. He told me he heard about some of the awesome things I had been doing and was really impressed. Not to mention I looked like a whole new person with my new body and new style I worked on lol. But I did my very best to not talk about our relationship on the first meet. He asked to meet again and I agreed and in our next meet he apologized for everything. I told him I forgive him but he hurt me and that is hard to forget. He said he wanted our future back and was willing to put in the work to fix that. So I told him that we have to take it slow and that we have to create a new future and work on the issues that caused our breakup together. We have been with each other since that moment and it has been really good. We are happy and communicating but I owe it all to prayer, and the coaches here. I put a lot work in on myself as well but having support or guidance makes a huge difference.
    So thank you for getting me through one of thee hardest moments I have had in my life. I love my boyfriend and am happy I learned some healthy tactics to help maintain a new relationship with him. Those of you who are going through just know that i know how you feel and holding on to hope is good but working on yourself is what really makes the difference.

  9. I have known this guy for years on and off, we keep breaking up and getting back together and recently literally last night he broke up with me and now wants me too be back with him or decide what he said too me just hurt me I don’t love him anymore I love another guy that I can see a future with and they both live really close too me….what do I do????

    1. HI Sana,
      Thanks for reaching out – it seems to me like you’ve already made your decision 😉 Don’t be with anyone you aren’t interested in continuing a relationship with. Focus on who you’re interested in 🙂

  10. Hello Nessie,
    Thank you for your comment. Dont look to much into it as it can cause you to 2nd guess things. Now, continue to focus on you and keep up with the no contact and if he shows signs of wanting to hang out. Let him initiate things moving forward.
    WMEA Team

  11. My ex and I dated for 8 months. She had problems with understanding her feelings, sometime while we were dating she told me she spent a day with a guy and she felt something for him, I couldn’t understand her but some days later she told me she felt nothing again. I was hurt anyway.
    Recently she asked me to give her space; like 5 months, and that she wants to know how it feels to be with another guy. I agreed with her and she was okay but just a day after, I called her to tell her that I wanted a breakup and she didn’t react.
    Yesterday; that’s 4 days after our breakup I missed her call and I don’t want to call back .
    What do you think

    1. Hello Danny,
      I think that you should go into 30 days no contact. Let her figure things out on her own then after the 30 days contact her and let her initiate more then you afterwards.
      WMEA Team

  12. My ex broke up with me a week back And he wanted to be friends and I was happy that I’m atleast getting to be friends if not dating ( I love him way too much ) so one day we had a fight and it was obviously his fault and then I decided to stick to radio silence. And since 4 days he’s been constantly calling and texting and saying sorry. Should I ignore him for the whole month or start talking to him again? Or should I just answer his call once and tell him that I need some time alone? Please help me I’m confused

  13. Hello William,
    Your ex left you in this particular situation because you she wasn’t feeling as though you were emotionally available. This relationship may be a rebound and I would suggest you develop a friendship with her and take her out from time to time. Keep things fun and positive.
    WMEA Team

  14. He isn’t missing you because you have made yourself available for him at all times. You haven’t done no contact. It hurts I know. Im in a similar position. If you believe he loves you and he’s confused he will start to wonder where you have gone and contact you only then will he miss you

  15. You’ve been together 5 years. He won’t throw your things out and I would assume making this work is more important than “things” if you find him calling a lot rather than occasionally I would suggest answering since this argument was caused by both. You don’t want to put him through to much pain for too long just more of a scare. It’s okay to say you miss him to but only after he’s experienced life without you for a while so he can remember the benefits of having you in his life. In the mean time work out what you really did wrong and find ways to prevent yourself from that in the future . I’m no expert. I’ve been with my ex 5 years and in the same situation right now. If you both split up out of anger rather than real feelings you still have a chance because anger right now is clouding his judgement and is a substitute for pain.

  16. I didn’t pick up her call, she called me today after 4 months
    I feel like I am not ready I am stuck with my work and as she is the one who left me. So can I borrow more time before she call again or I make a move.

    1. A p,
      Its about you now. Make sure you are ready to leave the emotions behind when you get in contact with her again. Take your time and initiate no contact for 4 weeks. This will give you the time and focus you need and also have you ex understand that you are not going to be there immediately. It will start to get your ex to miss you.
      WMEA Team

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