Things to never say to an ex when hoping to get back together

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things to never say to an ex girlfriendWhen you’re going through the period following a breakup, you may not feel much like yourself. The separation has shaken you up and it has overwhelmed your mind. Don’t panic, this is normal.

One doesn’t get back together with an ex as easily as you might think and it’s very common for people to make mistakes they normally wouldn’t make under more “normal circumstances.”
The real trick here is knowing the things to avoid doing and, of course, to design an efficient and tailored game plan geared toward turning your situation around.

Many of my one-on-one coaching sessions start with my client mentioning how they harassed their ex’s with “I love you”s and “I need you backs” and “I can change” and how their endless attempts were unsuccessful. This is why I decided to write this article. In the next few pages, I’ll highlight a few of the things to never say to an ex when trying to get back together and also a couple of tips on how to avoid the potential of embarrassing yourself all together.

An analysis reinforced by experience

Let’s start with the basics : When you’re trying to get back together with an ex, the intensity of your feelings can sometimes lead to making mistakes. You have good intentions; you want to put the pieces back together, you want to once again have the one you love by your side, and you want to be happy together once again.

In this situation, the love that you’re feeling is pushing you to force things and to try to accelerate the process of getting your ex back. Unfortunately, even if your heart is in the right place, it doesn’t guarantee the success of your endeavor. If it was guaranteed, you wouldn’t be needing my help and analyses. One simple text message would be enough to get back together with your ex…But sadly for the quarrels of love, things just aren’t that simple.

By trying to rush things or by verbalizing things to never say to an ex, you risk damaging the situation! These mistakes can put you at a disadvantage and postpone getting back together. It’s imperative that you stay on track in order to avoid another disappointment. In order to do this you have to be aware of what not to say, and that’s exactly what you’ll find in this article!

Every man and woman that we’ve been able to coach since 2007 had a story that was unique, and their reasons for wanting to get back together with their ex were unique as well. Despite their differences, however, many of the clients committed the same actions initially and during the period following the breakup. Therefore, the data that I’ve gathered leading me to consider certain things as “avoidable” when trying to get back with your ex comes from a wide range of situations. If you’re looking for tips on what to do (rather than this article, which focuses on what to avoid), you can find plenty on our website :

For me, as a relationship expert specialized in helping people get back together with their ex isn’t just about saying, “Yes, I know everything and seen it all” but more about continuing to carry out fresh analysis in all of the situations that I come across. I am always looking to identify the best actions to set into motion and to identify what drives us to make the mistakes we often make when trying to get back with an ex.

The goal is to provide you with the best solutions that are both properly adapted to your situation and personally designed, so that you can have all the odds in your favor as you try to start up a new relationship with your ex. In order to do this I regularly analyze your gestures and your actions in order to better understand what could throw a wrench in your plan to get back together, and what details could give you the upper hand. I consequently see similarities between some of you and I see the things to never say to an ex including some that are less obvious but just as destructive.

A few things to never say to an ex when trying to get back together

After a precise analysis of different types of behaviors I see when people want their ex back, I was able to note the most common but also some new things to avoid doing when you are trying to get your ex back.

First of all, I noticed that a great number of us have the tendency to let our ex-significant others take control of the situations at hand. By this I mean we settle for listening and reacting. Being passive is never the solution, especially if you want to get your ex boyfriend or get your ex girlfriend back. Being in love with them doesn’t mean that you have to be submissive and let them make all the decisions. You have to be active if you want to make a good impression on your ex. Therefore, tip number one to avoid when trying to get back with an ex is to be overly passive and hand your ex complete control over the situation.

The reason this tends to happen because we do not value or respects ourselves or our opinions. Because our ex’s are the ones who likely pulled the trigger on the breakup, we now feel like we aren’t worthy to make decisions and implement appropriate action. Therefore, the faster way to kick this tip into gear is by valuing and respecting yourself. If you need tips on how to achieve this, we can help! In our one-on-one coaching sessions, we will create action items for you to focus on geared toward getting your self esteem back in a healthy and stable range. This works wonders, believe me!

One of the things you should never do when you’re trying to get back together that probably struck me the most is when people allow themselves to revel in their sadness. This notion might sound a little confusing so allow me to explain; giving yourself the right to suffer means that you’re doing things that are holding you back from becoming happy again. For example, constantly thinking about your ex and revisiting every single memory, or taking the time to look at their Facebook, Snapchat or Instagram profile (you may even be Googling their name!), crying over songs that you both liked, are all actions that will hold you back from rebuilding yourself. You have the power to put an end to these actions!

How can you let a situation like this continue without doing something to get back on top? My role as a relationship expert is to provide you with solutions through my coaching sessions.
After each case study, there has been another thing that spearheads the things that you should never do when trying to get back together with your ex.

The main thing to never do when trying to get back together: Being needy
Being needy when you’re trying to get back together with your ex is one of the things you should never do when you’re trying to get back together. It could actually be the biggest one because we’ve seen this one the most in the thousands of people we’ve coached in the last 7 years.

In other words, being needy is demanding to get back together; asking, or even begging your ex girlfriend to come back without actually having changed or improved anything. When you act like this, you want to play with your ex’s emotions instead of working on a real action plan with efficient techniques and real, long-term improvements. Being needy for a few weeks isn’t going to help anything because you didn’t make the necessary changes.

Why should you get on your knees and hope that your ex will take you back? If they do come back it won’t be because of love; it’ll be to clear their conscience and I can promise you that sooner or later they’ll leave again when they realize that they’re still not satisfied. So this is something to steer clear of!

You have to prepare your future with your ex and in order to do this it’s imperative to start with a solid and sincere foundation that will hold up against future disagreements or fights. You shouldn’t demand their return; you should make it happen naturally. You can convince them to come back to you thanks to the actions you’ll use and tangible improvements in your attitude.

How to avoid doing something stupid regarding your ex!

From here on out, you’re looking for a method to avoid doing something stupid regarding your ex. The technique to use is called Radio Silence.

Radio Silence is great for a variety of reasons. Not only will you steer clear of saying something hurtful to your ex, by cutting ties you’ll be able to make them miss you. You’ll also avoid making mistakes in the way you communicate with the one you love.

It’s always imperative to respect Radio Silence if you want it to be effective. Many people make the mistake of not taking advantage of their time during RS to work on themselves, and they simply wait for something to happen. You have to use this time to rebuild yourself, by traveling, getting exercise, revamping your professional life, and by designing a plan of action to reach your goal. Your game plan is the key to reconstruction and the rebirth of something new.
A problem that I see very often when I am coaching is that people only employ RS halfway. By this I mean that men and women that reach out to me have made the decision to cut ties, which is good, but then they don’t stick to it all the time. This is completely counter-productive. For example, they’ll wait day and night for a message from their ex so that they can immediately respond. Remember, the point is to entirely break contact!

Even if you do little things that don’t totally break RS, for example ‘liking’ a picture on Facebook, sending a little text here and there, it can throw a wrench in your plans.
The reason is very simple, and there’s nothing worse than a half-hearted attempt at Radio Silence. You really do have to go all the way and cut contact completely, and when you do, don’t go back on your word. If your RS isn’t done properly, the first problem is that your ex won’t have the chance to miss you; he or she won’t wonder what you’ve been doing, and will know that you’ll come back sooner or later. The second problem is that you won’t have the opportunity to take time for yourself, to rebuild and to grow, and to plan the best possible plan of action.

Your coach for identifying what things to never say to an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend,


14 Responses

  1. Hi coach. A quick one, is there always a reason for a breakup. I broke up with my girlfriend recently and I can’t actually find a good reason to that effect. Kindly help out!!!

    1. Hi Fredri,
      Thanks for reaching. I feel the reason will always be that something wasn’t working, that you were unhappy or weren’t being fulfilled in the way you wanted. I invite you to spend time reflecting on this!
      Coach N

      1. Thanks coach. Truth be told, I had a whole lot of pressure on me during the period but I feel that’s never a good reason for the breakup. Because, I have always had things to deal with things myself.
        I contacted my ex after the breakup and she’s demanding for a reason. What do I do?? What can I tell her?? They are never a good reason. And I still do love her.

  2. Hello,
    I dumped my common law boyfriend of 5.5 years over text while we were arguing. I didn’t take it seriously, thinking we would make up the next day.
    That was 3 weeks ago. He has been living with friends since and said he is going to look for his own apartment in a few weeks to move out. He said I’m needy, negative, feels disrespected, that he has no voice and that I am manipulative. I talked to him last night as he came home to pack an overnight bag, but he said I was suffocating him with my desperation and that he felt numb and wanted nothing to do with me. He said I am a beautiful person to others, but not him. He kept telling me how attracted to me he was, which was strange.. But said his love was totally numb and I wasn’t a priority. That maybe in a few months we could (maybe) go for coffee as friends.
    Should I implement radio silence for 3 weeks while I get myself happy and then reapproach in a fun, casual (and brief) way? I went through your 9 lessons, but need help. He comes home every few days to pack more things and I don’t know if I should be here.. I always make it worse with my clawing for love, or a better answer.


    1. Hi Anna,
      Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear about what you’re dealing with. I think that for now, no contact is the best approach. Focus on rebuilding your relationship with yourself, and consequently, you’ll be able to rebuild your relationship with him. If you need help with strategy, I’d love to help. I invite you to consider a one-on-one coaching session with Adrian or I.

  3. I had started a relationship with my girlfriend and it had been around 8 months. She was the first person whom I loved and I surely was the first whom she loved. It was all going fine, we were connected to each other, understanding and emotionally together. But in the past 2 months, I started taking her for granted, I stopped caring for her, didn’t give her the attention she deserved. So gradually she started getting hurt, started finding unhappiness while staying with me. She gave me all the signs and warnings but I just couldn’t understand them. She just started losing out all the respect, feelings, attraction and love for me even though she was trying really hard to stay connected to all of it. On top of all this, she started finding my personality to be really clingy, pretentious, fake, big mouthed, annoying, irritating, dumb and much more. She was getting pissed off at everything. She broke up once before, too but couldn’t stay without me so came back by herself within 2 days but there was no change in my behavior, which I regret. Now, a few days back, it was just all over the limit for her. She stopped feeling everything and all the respect for me as her boyfriend. She just wanted to get rid of me and never wanted to come back with me together and that’s what she did. It’s been 2 says only though, but as of now I’m not talking to her and giving her the space and time to cool down. I want to know the following:

    1) For how long I should avoid the no contact rule and avoid any means of communication with her? I’m thinking of just a week.
    2) How should I contact her back and what all should I say or not say?
    3) She completely hates me now, she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, just wants to get rid of me. Is there a hope?

  4. Hi Coach,

    I broke up a month ago from a one year gay relationship because my partner cheated on me. It has been too painful. I was feeling so heavy, suicidal, could not do anything at all. Although I feel better now, I am still deeply in love with him and miss him so much, and I still want him back.

    I applied the no contact rule. We did not talk for 3 weeks until he sent me a message wishing me good luck on my job interview. We talked and he said he misses me and said further that he is not sure what does the future hold for us.

    After we broke up, he went on sex rampage with random guys. He has this big issue on circumcision which started 8 months ago after he realised that it has been the reason of his sexual dysfunction. He is 55 and I am 27. He likes sex so much and we were doing it 2 to 3 times a day, normally he orgasms once a day which makes him feel frustrated. He said he should have orgasm every time we have sex. Due to this failure, he started seeking other ways to fulfill his sexual desire. He jumped into conclusion that prostate orgasm would work for him well, which, me having a not big enough penis became unfit. This was so devastating. I could not understand why it is so easy for him to throw our relationship despite the fact that he has been claiming that living with me for 12 months has been great and wonderful and saying that he had the best sex with me. I am so confused. I love this guy so much and I don’t know if there is still a chance that I could win him back.

    I hope you could help me and please accepts my warmest regards.

    1. Hi Ben,
      Thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry to read about your troubles. I think you should spend some time really assessing what you want in your relationship. It seems to me like his sexual preferences don’t align with yours. Ask yourself whether or not you want to adjust or if you want to find someone who more so aligns with your preferences.
      I hope this helps,

      1. Hi Coach Natalie,

        Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

        Does that mean that there is really no chance of me winning him back even I would agree to open up our relationship? I felt when we were together that this guy loves me. Perhaps not as strong as my feelings for him but is there really no chance for his love to grow for me? I asked him what else is our problem with our relationship and what problem he sees on me. He said nothing, it is just him and his desire for variety that caused us trouble. He said further that I am a lovely and genuine young man and I could still find the man I deserve.

  5. Hello Himanshu,
    I suggest for you to keep things positive when you talk to her. When she asks you questions take a new approach and tell her what new things you have been doing. Also, I would try and see if you can plan on seeing her so she can see the change. Keep letting her initiate contact with you.
    WMEA Team

  6. Hello Ian,
    You can make the contact light and only respond when she initiates and then at times end the conversation.
    WMEA Team

  7. Hello Tyler,
    Yes, continue to initiate NC and also please read our additional resources that will help you along the way. Best of luck!
    WMEA Team

  8. Hello DKH,
    You have a lot of things working in your favor. That you have done some self-reflection and you also see her frequently. I suggest you continue to do some self-reflection as you want to show her a change through your actions and also want to show her its a forever change. Possibly show her that you are doing something different as well. Whatever activity you may be passionate about. Yoga, Meditation, Basketball as this will help you stay mentally focused. Then when you see her be positive, confident, and charming. Here is something that may help.
    WMEA Team

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