A breakup or separation is always painful!
Other than the losing a connection with your loved one and their presence in your life, many other factors can play a part in intensifying the pain of the separation. In turn these feelings can lead to added despair and a certain unhappiness within you. Let’s attempt to define these different factors in order to better understand and overcome them:
Painful break up: The surprise factor
When you’re beginning to expect a breakup, you can try to prepare yourself mentally for it. Remember, you are in a position to have the time to plan ahead. Even with this advantage, however, the pain associated with a break up can be a real killer when it becomes a reality. But when a breakup comes as a total surprise, its effect is unforeseen and even way more difficult to manage.
The surprise element can trigger a wide variety of reactions as in such circumstances it becomes increasingly difficult to manage one’s emotions! Furthermore the surprise element forces many people to make mistakes if they ultimately wish to get back with their ex, as their feelings and passion takes over and they often try to plead with their ex to stay by their side.
Christian was one of my first clients several years ago. He was one of the first people who called me completely blindsided after his ex decided to end their 2.5 year relationship. The emotional rollercoaster he immediately jumped on made him do all the wrong things. He pleaded, begged, screamed, and threatened.
Nothing worked. While in the end, he was able to (but not without a lot of work!) get back with his ex, he truly had created an uphill battle for himself.
Breakup pain: The emptiness factor
Before the painful breakup or separation, your world most likely revolved around your significant other. In most cases, the desires and feelings you had for them before probably only intensified after the news of the breakup. As time passes, it is possible that your ex’s absence only becomes more and more intense and can even become unbearable at times. This is because of the emptiness factor which can take quite some time to make up or fill the void.
This absence is a manifestation of many different elements that you believe your ex brought into your life and that are now missing as part of your day to day; we are referring here to their love, warmth, and some conversations that you may have had or simply the attention that they may have brought to you. This emptiness factor is one of the leading causes of frustration during most painful breakup or separation.
The imagination factor in painful breakups
While some of us have the capacity to quickly forget, others can become obsessed with their ex and even start to imagine what they could be doing or even thinking. These thoughts and your imagination can often go as far as hindering day-to-day activities and productivity in the real world. If you can relate to this and are having difficulties handling a painful breakup or separation you may come to terms with the fact that you have created a “parallel world” in which you alone live. Not being able to handle this imagination factor can be the cause of tremendous self-torture.
The pain of breaking up: The misunderstanding factor
During a painful breakup or separation, nothing nothing could be worse than not fully understanding why your ex has left. Not being totally able to comprehend a situation in which someone left you (whether it was because they did not provide you with an explanation or because the one provided simply doesn’t make sense) can lead to a feeling of injustice and defeat.
This feeling can lead to heartbreak when your ex runs away from you or does not want to respond to you calls or attemps of communication.
The self-esteem factor in breakup pain
The collapse of a relationship leads many to doubt themselves and to think they have failed. The feeling of rejection can cause many to lose confidence. Not only does the ego take a hit but you also start to think that you may think that you are not worthy or good enough to be loved by someone that you deeply care for.
Our self-esteem factor can have perverse effects not only on our future love life and relationships but also in both our personal and professional lives as well. This can be very dangerous if not dealt with accordingly in the days, weeks or even months after the painful breakup or separation that took place.
Pain of a breakup: The betrayal factor
Christian was a client who really had forgotten who he was during the time of the breakup. He felt defeated and had no self-esteem. There are ways that we can rebuild our self-esteem and overall perception of self. This will take time, but it will happen.
After a painful breakup or separation, some people can be affected by some (if not all) of the factors highlighted above while others may only be haunted by one of them. Either way, it can ruin your daily life and make it unbearable to find means to stay busy and live a normal life. In the latter case, you need to react quickly and keep yourself going!
A painful breakup is a personal endeavor: take a step back and find a way to relax
You may be going through yet another emotional letdown and unsure of how to react after a painful breakup, and you’re sick of being shackled to the disillusions of a failed relationship. This breakup needs to first serve as a way to rebuild yourself and then also a way to break away from the past and start off a new relationship with the person that you love.
Analyze your mistakes and shortcomings, and then focus on where to best apply your time and efforts in order to provide your future relationship with positive energy, and to make your love life stronger and more peaceful in general.
There is no magical wand that can be waved over your head and make all of those factors of stress go away during a difficult breakup or divorce. The anguish of the mind is often the most difficult to remedy because it’s invisible and thus nonphysical. Even worse, it manifests itself differently for different people.
Depending on your personality and the specificity of what you may have gone through one technique can work better than the next. Nevertheless, here are three tips to help you rediscover your personal balance, slowly regain a positive spirit, and learn how to get over break up pain.
1. Let off some steam
To relieve some of the stress dealing with breakup, a great method is to “tire yourself out”. Try power walking, jogging or getting involved in a sport or other psychical activity in line with your capabilities. Whether you are completely out of shape or even a professional athlete, increasing your typical regiment of physical activity will enable you find peace of mind for both your body and spirit.
2. Keep busy to a maximum
Bottom line: you need to find a way not to think about your ex while you’re dealing with the pain of a breakup, and in order to do this, you must keep yourself busy! This is a not only a complement to point 1 but it goes beyond it. Staying busy is the quickest way to recover from a painful breakup or separation because it enables you to stay focused on yourself and to also regain self-confidence more quickly.
If you happen to have a hobby be active in it, and if you don’t yet have one, make it a point to find yours.
3. Take care of yourself
If you try to take good care of yourself in any way that you can, you will inevitably feel more at ease in your own skin, calm your mind, regain self-confidence and in turn forget the sorrow caused by the painful breakup or separation.
We have made it our passion to help people in need to quickly recover from such instances by providing them with key tools and methods to overcome their emotion and often make the necessary changes in their lives to get back with the person they love. Don’t hesitate to leave your comment below and we would be happily to personally respond to you, or you can reach out to us personally here!
If I could sum what how Christian repaired his confidence and self-esteem into three pointers, they’d be the ones I’ve just listed above. I can’t wait for you to see how effectively you’re going to be able to rebuild your own, like Christian did. It was a true pleasure to see and one of the experiences that really elevated my love for coaching.
To react after a painful breakup, you must understand your ex!
It is never easy to make a decision to look within and try to totally rebuild yourself and to react after a painful breakup. Just know that your ex probably feels the exact same way. We both know it isn’t easy going back to being single after a relationship. In other words, your ex is suffering just as much as you. In order to win back their heart you will need to be patient and understand their wants and needs to recreate an environment in which love can flourish.
A relationship needs to be attended to at all times, and to recreate a solid base, it is vital to realize your ex’s desires and amend your past mistakes.
How do I show my ex that I have changed?
As you read this article today, I hope you understand how important it is to reflect on your relationship in its entirety and to come up with concrete solutions to make it work. Still, your ex doesn’t realize your newfound spirit and the changes that you have made to your life.
I suggest listening to my Audio Seminar on “The Handwritten Letter” ! You can write to your ex when you’re working on how to get through a breakup and to patch things up quickly. Prove to your ex that you are willing to go the extra mile towards reconciliation and how much your relationship with your ex means to you.
During the difficult phase after a painful breakup, I invite you to ask yourself two questions before each action you take:
– Why do I want to do this? (Objective)
– Where will this action lead me to? (Purpose)
I wish the best of luck to all of you!
Your coach to help you react after a painful breakup,
Alex Cormont
