Decode your ex’s behavior

How to decode your ex's behaviorWhen you are in a relationship you may feel as if you know everything about the person that you are with. I often hear people say that they know their significant other better than they know themselves.

After a breakup things can quickly change and it may seem as though your ex has become a different person altogether; or that you simply don’t know as much about them as you initially thought. You are left guessing why they act a certain way; wondering what it all means.

In this article we will try to decode your ex’s behavior to enable you to read between the lines and understand why they may act a certain way towards you.

how to decode your ex’s behavior if they want to stay in touch

When your ex wants to breakup because they no longer have feelings for you it may seem strange if they try to stay in touch or if they keep reaching out to you. You are left asking yourself why they would possibly want to keep talking to you and pretend to be friends when you both know that it is extremely unlikely that two people can stay friends following a breakup.

Even if your ex broke up with you and needed their independence they can still be attached to you. It is common to be best friends with the person that we date; although they no longer want to be with you on an intimate level, they can still be very much attached to the security and affection that you provide to them. When you date someone for months or even years, you share deep secrets and intimate moments with them; it is extremely difficult to severe ties and not look back. It could also simply mean that they are having trouble transitioning into their post relationship reality.

It is also possible that your ex feels a tremendous amount of guilt from the separation; they may be looking to ease their conscious by staying in touch to ensure that you are doing well and able to cope with the breakup to land on your own two feet. Don’t be fooled, they are most likely not trying to be nice or caring but probably looking to feel better about themselves and their decision to leave you. A breakup is a selfish but sometime necessary decision to move on; trying to stay in touch usually only makes the separation process more difficult on the person getting dumped!

Another way to decode your ex’s behavior if they are actively trying to stay in touch is by looking into the possibility that they are not convinced that they made the right decision. They are afraid to lose you all for good and so they want to stay in touch in order to facilitate a change of heart. This is the best of both worlds’ approach where they want to be independent of the relationship but maintain a certain option to get back together down the road.

My ex is jealous

It is quite common for an ex to be jealous in the weeks or even months following a breakup. Although you are no longer together they may still try to control who you are hanging with, what you are doing or not approve of you seeing an ex.

Most often such behaviors are rooted in the fact that your ex is a possessive person. Although they decided to end the relationship, they may still feel that you belong to them in their heart and they cannot stand the idea of you being with another man or woman; especially an ex or someone else that they felt threatened by while you were together.

It’s also possible that they simply still have feelings for you; seeing a person that you loved with someone else can awaken feelings deep down inside and emotions can unravel. Their insecurities or fears of being alone may lead them to showcase jealousy. It is relatively really easy to figure them out.

My ex says they still love me

If your ex is open about telling you that they still love you after they were the ones who decided to breakup, it usually means one of two things; they are probably having second thoughts as they realized that life without you was not as they had imagined!

It’s one thing to want to be single when in a relationship and it’s another to actually deal with all that comes with this renewed freedom on a daily basis. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence! If you find yourself in this position and you still love your ex and want to make things work, it is the perfect situation to let your voice be heard in regards to your relationship and the dynamic that you wish to put in place moving forward.

It is also possible that your ex is simply confused and dealing with internal emotional issues; telling you that they still love you could be their way to externalize their confusion and serve as a cry for help. If you are still on good terms with your ex and you sense a deep confusion or inner struggle, the best thing to do is to actively listen to their concerns and try to be there for them even though you are no longer officially together.

My ex ignores me

If your ex ignores you it is most likely because you were way too needy or in demand as the relationship was falling apart and through the breakup. If your ex decided to breakup, the more you seek their attention and the more you tell them that you need them, the likelier it is that they will ignore you.

A breakup implies a need for space and a need for change. Don’t haggle with your ex and look to change their mind right way; this will only annoy them and destroy your changes of potentially getting back together down the road.

If your ex is ignoring you the best approach is to give them space and not reach out to them for several weeks. They need to regain their independence and you need to find some inner peace and stability in order to communicate with them in a pleasant way. The longer you wait to reach out, the more they will start to miss you and want to hear from you!

My ex still flirts with me

It is very common for an ex to still want to flirt. You are both probably still attracted to one another and you also share a lot of memories together. It is therefore normal for an ex to try to gage your level of interest in order to potentially sleep together again or even get back together. Just because an ex flirts with you does not necessarily mean that they still like you, it only means that they are still attracted to you.

You can use this physical attraction to your advantage in order to recreate a bond and engage in a game of seduction with your ex. Along the way you can try to connect with them on an emotional level as well; just make sure that you decode your ex’s behavior in the right way and not to misinterpret their desires and what they are looking to do.

If you are having issues decoding your ex’s words or behaviors, don’t hesitate to reach out via the comments section below. Our team of coaches will make sure to answer every comment received in order to help you understand your ex’s subliminal messages!

Your coach to help you decode your ex’s behavior,


  • Ali

    Hi there, my ex professed his love to me a few weeks ago and suggests we hook up however I turned down the offer but he still insisted on wanting to see me but when he finally got into my area he didn’t call and now it seems he’s avoiding me . He would call 5 times or more during a day and now.. nothing.

    • CoachAdrian

      How long ago did this happen? How far apart do you live? How old are you both ? How long did you guys date?
      If you provide me with this info, I will be better equipped to provide you with tailored advice!

  • Bam

    Hi there,
    My ex and have got back into interacting again after 6 months of not talking. He even asked if I was okay with hanging out at the mall with him. Then when we did, he told me he is dating this girl, but said that she is emotionally immature. I know thos girl.and I asked him if she knows that he is talking and hanging out with me, and he said no because we both know she would not be okay with it, and he doesn’t need a kid to tell him what he can and can’t do, and who to hang out with/talk to. He also asked me if I was dating anybody. After that day, we have been talking and texting every single day. He initiated another meet up, which we did yesterday. During our meet up, he was very touchy. He knows how ticklish I am and he kept tickling me and poking me on my sides and my face.

    Would you please be able to shed some light into what may be going on in his confusing behavior?

    • CoachAdrian

      Hey Bam, your ex clearly misses you and regrets breaking up after realizing that the grass is not greener on the other side. This shouldn’t be too difficult to win him back if that’s what you want…the key for you will be to not make it too easy for him. I would love to coach you through this seduction process so don’t hesitate to reach out and to book a coaching session with me if you feel like you need extra support.
      Best of luck,

  • Demetrice Ford

    Hi,me and my ex wife separated a year ago and this was good until now.We have 4 kids and they live with her at the moment.Its very hard to communicate when it comes to my kids with her.She have a boyfriend at the moment and I respect that but when I text her and ask about my kids she doesn’t reply back only if our kids need something which is ok very annoying.

    I have tried numerous of time to work things out for our kids.all I get is this bitterness towards me which makes me very annoying with her behavior.she haven’t payed her bills on time or tried at least.So my kids contacted me and said the lights & water off I ask my ex why haven’t you paid your bills her reply was I don’t make enough.I said why haven’t you contacted me or tell me your behind your bills.So yet again non commication on her side.

    I tried everything to make our relationship work dealing with our kids & all I got is bitterness towards me at the end of day.I texted her numerous times about better commication when it comes to my kids & yet she does it feels like going in circle dealing with her.I hate it because I feel left out with my kids.My daughter had and birthday last month and she didn’t even bother to bring or she my daughter.

    Why is she doing this she have her life & a new relationship I don’t understand at all.I don’t argue or be rude to her please help me all I want is a open relationship with my kids without feeling alienated.

    • Coach natalie

      I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply; I’m been tied up with coaching. Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry to hear you’re in this difficult situation. When it comes to your ex’s behavior, I think you should try an exercise that will help put yourself in her shoes. Try writing a list of the issues she’s identified in your relationship and then a list of solutions. Having a 360 perspective may be what you need to decipher her actions and attitudes toward the relationship.

  • CA

    My ex and I have a daughter. When I was 7 months pregnant he left because we had an argument. He was a complete jerk and then 2 weeks before our daughter was born we started talking again. When our daughter was born we got back together. Everything was going great! We were happy! He was even talking about marriage. Then one day when our daughter was two months old we got in an argument and he kicked us out. He always leaves over the little stupid stuff.. He has a bad temper like that. A week after our breakup we started talking and hanging out again. He found out I was planning to go out with friends and got jealous and didn’t want me to.. So I hung out with him instead. Two days ago when we were hanging out I asked him to try to work our family out. He got mad and told me to leave. He ignored my texts and blocked me. I can’t even get ahold of him about our daughter. I want to work things out.. I just don’t know what to do at this point. Everyone says that he is scared of commitment and he gives up too easy.

    • Coach natalie

      Hi CA,
      Thank you for sharing your story. I’m Coach Natalie, and I recently joined the team. I know it’s really tough to decode your ex’s behaviors, especially when he seems so hot and cold. It seems to me like your ex is used to having all the power in your relationship. The moment you express desire to do something like hang out with friends, and wonder about your future, he gets frustrated. Relationships in general are a balance of power, much like checks and balances in the government. I encourage you to take some time and use that period to find productive ways of restructuring your relationship so you can be more equal in power. This will help you two find a stable neutral in the long-run. I hope this helps.

  • Annie

    My ex and I broke up last year. We dated for 2 years and were each others high school sweethearts. We stayed friends with benififts for the whole year post breakup. In the begging we would only text till we hungout then he’d ignore me. It has gradually gotten better and better to where now we have texted everyday for about 2 months. We hangout without hookup and go on “dates” to the movies and mini golf. All my friends know we hangout but he is so against telling anyone we talk never mind hangout together. He has slipped up and called me babe but the next morning texting me saying he regretted it. The last time we hungout we went to the movies and he told me he had fun but would’ve rather been doing other things. When he went to drop me off he went to go drive away then stopped and watched me to make sure I got into my house safe. He says he hated the whole relationship Yet still does weird stuff to make me feel other wise. Am I reading to far into his little acts of kindness?

  • Asmita Mukerji

    Hi, I am a 37 yr old married woman with a 5 yr old daughter. I have been married for 12 yrs. Due to the various ups and downs in our relationship, love has flown out of our lives ages ago. But we still care for each other and hand on for our child’s future sake. A few months ago, I began working again after 6 long years- break taken during pregnancy and to raise the baby. I met a 30 yr old man at my office and we became friends and then we realised we were in love. He knew about my marriage and daughter. But we connected so well, the 7 yr age gap just felt like a number. We began dating and I was into an extra marital affair with him for 5 months. I made it clear to him from the very beginning that I was getting into this with him not as a fling, but a serious relationship where I intended to seperate from my husband eventually and marry this man and move in with my daughter and him. He promised me marriage, assured me we were his family. Gave me little room to doubt him, cos he always told me he would take a stand for us in front of his family when the time would arrive. He also assured me he would inform his widowed mother about us as soon as he would land a better paying job. I lived a dual life and although had begun feeling claustrophobic, I did not want him to ever feel the pressure from my end and so kept my patience in place. He is the oldest of the 3 siblings, a younger brother handicapped and the youngest being his sister. 2 weeks ago his family got to know of our relationship and asked him to break up with me immediately, saying that if he would marry a divorcee, his sister and cousins would never be able to get a good match for themselves and his family name would be spoilt. I live in India. So I guess all this is still a big deal here. Although we are educated enough to understand that all that really matters is true love and sane planning into how we could get it all arranged for ourselves. However, this man is much less educated than I am and feels I am too broad minded to think the way I do. He is not evolved in his thinking and mentality. So once his mom asked him to break up, he decided to follow orders and came to meet me to break this relationship. I was left shattered and crying and begging….he just wouldn’t budge. He said he can’t take the pressure of his family anymore and cannot severe ties with all for me. I kept giving him strength saying that initially there would be a lot of opposition and we would have to go through hell to convince family. But at the end of it all, we would succeed cos they would realise that our happiness lies with each other. None of my talks made sense to him and he is gone. Makes me wonder today if he ever loved me. He couldnt stand up for the woman he lived even for a day against his folks. He became a friend to my daughter and she got attached mentally to him. I have now told her that he has taken up a job out of this country and hence we shall never see him again. The little child has accepted this. I feel jilted, as a woman older to him mayb I should have realised he just wanted physical intimacy and hence made all those false promises that he did. I am having a very hard time coping up. I am still with my husband who is unaware of all of this. Yes, husband and I still care a lot about each other. But the love is dead. This 30 yr old guy has left me scorned and I have lost my confidence to judge a person and my faith in all men. I feel suicidal and not being able to eat or sleep well. I am pushing myself cos I know I have to take good care of my child and I dont want to fail in my duties as a mother. He texts me once in a while just sayi g Hi and then no reply when I say Hi back. Also recently had an online chat with him and he mentioned again that he cannot be with me even though he loves me. In today’s modern world I cannot imagine one giving up rare true love for the sake of parents or relatives….pls advise what I should do.

    • Coach natalie

      Hi Asmita,
      Thank you for sharing. I know it must have be very challenging to decode your ex’s behavior and what his messages mean after his decision (or his mother’s) to break up. At this stage, I encourage you to go into a brief no contact period. It will be important for your ex to miss you and to realize that you are more than a rule he’s breaking and that you are an incredible woman that he values and admires. During this period, spend time assessing your marriage. Are you only going to leave your husband if you can move in with your ex? Would you divorce him anyway? Can you re-spark the love in your marriage? If you can, would you try? The better you know yourself and your situation, the more control you’ll have over its outcome. If you need any help in this, I invite you to book a session with myself or Coach Adrian. We’re here to help and have both worked with situations similar to yours.
      Wishing you the very best,
      Coach N