When you’re using the no contact rule on an ex in hopes of getting them back, the whole point is to remain out of contact with him or her. So what happens when your ex reaches out to you during this period? Do you respond? Do you ignore them? If you respond, what do you even say?!
People tend to panic, and that’s why I wanted to write this article for you today. When you’re thinking, “Help! My ex contacted me during no contact and I don’t know what to do,” it’s crucial to analyze the exact situation so that you don’t make mistakes.
Fortunately, you’ve found this article. The response to your question will depend on your situation, so let’s take a look at some different scenarios!
The no contact rule: What exactly is it?
First things first, let’s make sure we are on the same page here. The no contact rule is basically a predetermined amount of time during which you do not speak to or reach out to your ex. You don’t like their pictures on Instagram, you don’t comment their posts on Facebook, and you most certainly don’t blow up their phone.
The point of all of this is simple. In fact, there are two goals:
1. Making sure that you take care of yourself, bounce back from the breakup, and become the best version of yourself
2. Make your ex begin to miss you and fear losing you for good.
You see, #2 directly depends on #1. The way you make an ex miss and fear losing you is by showing them what they stand to lose.
What often happens is that it WORKS, and the ex in question begins sending texts to you! Ok so now what?!
What if you weren’t finished with your no contact period yet? Is it possible to get back in touch too early?
Well, yes, it most certainly is possible. If your no contact period hasn’t yet run its course, getting back in touch with your ex prematurely can undo all the work you’ve done. Basically, if you’ve managed to spark your ex’s curiosity enough to make them reach out to you, it means that they’re wondering what you’re up to and why you aren’t interested in them right now.
Somewhere deep down it’s going to conjure up the desire to be wanted by you. If it’s too early on in your no contact period, this would just be giving your ex exactly what they want, thus making it painfully easy for them to take you for granted again.
There are of course exceptions, so let’s take a look at some of the different scenarios and how to respond to an ex asking how you are during your no contact period.
How come my ex texted me?
Again, each situation is so unique, but if your ex reached out to you, it means that you’re on their mind.
Perhaps they messaged you because they want their stuff back, perhaps it’s because they miss you, maybe it’s that they’re curious, or maybe it’s that they’re trying to test the waters. Whatever the case may be, they’e thinking of you and this is good for us! At some point you’re going to have to reestablish contact with an ex, so it’s good that the means is becoming established.
In any case, if your ex reaches out to you, more avenues for reestablishing contact are opening up to you.
It’s up to you to proceed with caution and make sure that you keep the odds in your favor. The way to do this is to be very honest with yourself and determine whether or not replying to your ex will be the right move at this stage…
Let’s take a look at some examples that will help you to gage your next step.
My ex contacted me during no contact: What do I do?!
I’m glad you’re taking the time to read this article before you do anything. It’s always ideal to take a moment to reflect before you take action (or don’t)…
Each situation is entirely unique, so there is no general answer to what to do when an ex contacts you. It will always depend on your situation.
When an ex contacts you after no contact and you broke up because you were too distant
Let’s say that you and your ex broke up because they didn’t feel like you were there for them enough. This exists in a variety of different forms. For example:
– You were distant and did not successfully communicate with your ex
– You had an affair and made your ex feel like you gave them no value
– You were too involved at work and made your ex feel neglected
If your partner left because they didn’t feel important enough to you, ignoring them during no contact would pretty much be the absolute worst thing you could do right now. If they reach out or extend an olive branch and you don’t respond, it would just make them feel convinced that you really don’t care and that they were right to leave.
When you are in this type of situation and you’re wondering what to do when your ex contacts you, the best would be to respond and let them know that you are there. You’re working on improving your life, righting your wrongs, and coming up with solutions for the future. You don’t want to make them feel worse than they already do.
My ex texted me, should I text back if I was clingy and needy in the breakup?
Another common situation is one in which the person who got broken up with (you) doesn’t handle the breakup well. They become very needy and clingy, they suffocate their ex with constant phone calls or text messages, or they lash out and begin threatening or blackmailing…
If you don’t feel like you handled the breakup very well and put your ex on a pedestal, ignoring your ex right now could actually be a good thing. It can actually balance the power play out a bit and show them that they aren’t the center of your universe. You’re moving forward and taking care of yourself.
If you want to use the no contact rule to get your ex back, you have to use it properly!
I am fully aware of the fact that you probably really do want to reply to your ex right now. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and I just told you what the biggest one is, but you have to be very honest with yourself right now.
If you know in your heart of hearts that it will not benefit you to respond to your ex right now, do not do it. Don’t look for loopholes or other excuses. You have to honestly analyze the situation so that you can ensure that you will boost your odds of success as much as possible.
It’s hard to be disciplined and stay on track with this, but if you can do it, you’ll see that it will have been worth it. Temptation is intense right now, trust me I know. But give yourself the greatest odds of success!
I’m thinking about breaking no contact
If you’ve thought long and hard about this and you’ve decided that you will get back in touch with your ex now, let me leave you with one last piece of advice.
When you get back in contact with exes after breakups, keep it brief.
As my fellow coach Natalie says, you don’t want to saturate the communication. Don’t let your ex get their fix and then become bored with you. You want them to feel like they want to get some more – they want to talk to you more, they want to find out more, share more, do more… that would make it too easy for them to distance themselves as well.
As each situation is so unique, don’t hesitate to reach out to us so that we can craft the perfect response together.
Wishing you all the best,
Your coach when you’re thinking, “My ex contacted me during no contact”