When you’ve gone through a breakup with someone, chances are that they’re always on your mind. This is especially true if you want this person back. Right about now, you’re probably wondering what you can do to get this person back in your arms and undo the breakup. Is it too late? What can I say? Should I call my ex? Should I send them a letter?
At this point, it might feel like your emotions are all over the place and you don’t know which way to turn. I speak to people on a regular basis who are in your shoes, and that is why I wanted to write this article for you today. If you’re familiar with our philosophy, then you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. I’m going to go over how and when to use this tool, and the best way to get back in touch with your ex. The most important thing right now is to avoid rushing anything or making your ex feel suffocated. It’s easier said than done, but trust me you can do it!
If you really want your ex back, you’ll see that patience and perseverance are going to be your best allies. In order to build something solid and long lasting, you’ll have to invest your time and energy, but you’ll be happy you did so in the long run. So without further ado, let’s take a look at the best way to speak to or get back in touch with your ex.
Should I call my ex or use the NC Rule?
As I mentioned above, you may have already heard of the no contact technique. The goal of it is to give your ex an electroshock and show them that they don’t actually want to be without you by their side. To summarize this technique, you cut communication with your ex for a predetermined period of time ranging from three weeks to three months. I know that it can sound scary because you don’t want to be out of contact, but it works by showing your ex that you are not at their beck and call and that they have taken your presence for advantage. While you use this tool, you need to make sure you’re using this time wisely if you want to see real results.
What I mean by this is that you’ve got to make sure that you’re actively improving your life during this period. Personal development is one of the most important elements of getting back together with an ex and building a future in which you are genuinely happy. So take this time to think about what hobbies you put on the back burner while you were in this relationship, what people you stopped seeing, what personal and professional projects got neglected… Think about what family members you lost touch with, think about what kind of new activities you can start doing.
Think about how to bring more physical activity into your life by either switching up your workout routine or getting into exercising. Give yourself new challenges and short term and long term goals. When you give yourself an objective, you are able to focus and bring more organization into your life.
While you do all of these things, you’ll start to feel more in control of your life and you’ll be able to remind yourself of what you bring to the table. When a person goes through a breakup, it’s not uncommon for the ego to take a sizable blow. We can start to doubt what we have to offer. It can stem from emotional dependency, or it can lead to emotional dependency, so it’s very important to fight against.
In the majority of cases, the NC rule is the ideal tool to use when you want someone back. If you’ve found yourself thinking, “Should I contact my ex,” I encourage you to read this article on the no contact rule first or get in touch with me directly so we can determine whether or not you should opt for radio silence instead.
When a break up is fresh, more often than not, it is not ideal to reach out to your ex. It’s a vulnerable period and it’s easy to make big mistakes like begging and pleading, or exhibiting clingy behavior. In some more extreme cases I’ve also seen threats and/or blackmail, which of course aren’t things that are going to make your ex feel inspired to get back together with you!
Now if you’ve already gone through the NC period and you’ve made some serious improvements and are ready to get back in touch with your ex, let’s start talking about contacting an ex!
What to do when you call ex partners…
If you’ve taken your time and have gotten to the point when you’re ready to reach out to your ex, I want to congratulate you because it means that you’ve done some serious work. If your ex has expressed that he or she wants to talk, you’re on the right track!
If you’re going to reach out to your ex, the biggest piece of advice I can give you is to avoid diving into conversations about your breakup, your fights, and your heartache. When you’re calling your ex, you must focus on keeping things positive. You guys left things in a breakup, which means pain, suffering, anger, confusion and hurt. In other words, chances are that it left a bad taste in your ex’s mouth. Right now when you’re getting back in contact with this person, you’ve got to focus on giving them a fresh new idea of you. You want to present yourself in a new light that is nothing but positive.
The goal should be to make your ex want to talk to you more; not less. Use this call as an opportunity to remind your ex why they fell in love with you in the first place. Don’t break down in tears, don’t yell at them, don’t ask for them back. Be fun and lighthearted! Showcase your changes and show your ex that you’ve been having fun!
When it comes to what to do when you want to contact your ex, just keep in mind that the goal is to make him or her want to talk to you more. So, as I said, don’t talk about how you want them back. Talk about what you’ve been up to, what kind of new activities you’ve been trying out, what kind of places you’ve been checking out, what new sport you’ve been trying out, what new friends you’ve made, how you’ve gotten ahead at work, how you’ve finally remodeled your garage like you’ve been meaning to do, how you’ve started learning Spanish, how you’ve been going on weekend trips to discover more places around your city, etc.
Show your ex that you’re grabbing life by the horns and that you’re living a satisfying life. You’ll notice that with time, your ex will start to realize that it would actually be really fun to be your partner. You’re not just kicking up dirt and rehashing the same arguments; no, you’ve grown from this breakup and it’s actually helped you to become a new and improved version of yourself.
When your ex realizes this, they’ll instantly be reminded of the person they fell in love with, but they’ll see the 2.0 version. In the eyes of your ex, this makes you irresistible. So now you see why I stress the importance of taking time after the breakup to focus on personal development before you call an ex!
Sometimes, when the breakup is fresh and you find yourself thinking, “I want to call my ex so bad,” a premature phone call can actually do more harm than good. When you’re feeling hurt and vulnerable, it’s very hard to steer clear of begging and pleading, or even emotionally dependent behavior like needing to be close to this person in order to feel happy. Your ex can sense this and it can subsequently push him or her even further away, which of course is the opposite of what we are trying to achieve here!
Another concern that I commonly hear from my clients is that they feel incredibly nervous when they’re about to call their ex. As simple as this might seem, sometimes the best thing to do is to just go for a run before you call and avoid drinking coffee. You’ll release some endorphins, relieve some stress, and by avoiding caffeine you’ll avoid adding to any anxiety you might be feeling.
On top of that, going for a run will tire you out so you’ll be less fidgety. When you’re talking to your ex on the phone, you’ll sound more calm and composed, more casual, and therefore more confident.
If you’re able to schedule this phone call for a few days from now, go ahead and schedule some new things to do during the time leading up to it. That way, if your ex asks you what you’ve been up to, instead of saying, “Oh just the same old same old,” you’ll have all kinds of interesting new things to say to him or her. Ideally, they should be envious of your new life! This is how you’re going to begin inspiring them to want to be a part of it again…
If you can inspire yourself, that’s how you’ll inspire your ex, and that’s how you spark attraction once again.
Talking to an ex after a breakup: Keep this in mind…
When you contact your ex after a breakup, I want you to remember that they must see that you’ve got your own things going on. Try to limit this phone conversation to about 15 minutes. You want to leave him or her wanting more. You want your ex to feel like they want to hear more about what you’ve been up to, they want to ask you more questions, they want to keep talking to you because it’s making them happy.
So, don’t divulge everything on the first conversation! Leave something to be desired. After about 15 minutes or so, just let your ex know that you’ve got to run because some friends are waiting for you, but that you’ll talk soon.
You want your ex to see that you’ve got things going on, and people want to be hanging out with you. You’re not sulking alone on the couch at home, binge watching Netflix and feeling sorry for yourself. Nope, you’re in high demand and you’re having so much fun!
Keep in mind that if you’re having this phone conversation, it’s highly likely that there will be more to come. So don’t panic if you weren’t able to say everything you wanted to say! Just think about leaving them wanting more.
Give yourself a reason to reach out again. You can even end the conversation with something like, “Hey I’ve go to go because I’m running into an appointment, but if you’re free next week maybe we could grab a coffee!” You’re calling the shots because you’re confident, interesting, charming, and you’re making your ex want to spend more time talking to you. Be the one to exit the call instead of waiting for it to awkwardly fade out.
This is how you can remain in control of the situation and attract your ex like a moth to a flame.
Once you start talking on a regular basis, you can start focus on re-seducing him or her. For more information on how to do this, I invite you to read this!
As you know, we are here to help so please don’t hesitate to reach out to us here, or to leave your question in the comments section below.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you are thinking, “Should I call my ex?”