The process of getting back together with the person you love is a long and challenging process, but that is also why the result is so gratifying. It’s hard and it will test your patience and your determination. You’re going to want to throw in the towel at some points, and you’re going to want to give into temptation at other points. Part of the challenge is dealing with your ex’s behavior throughout the process.
He’s a human being with complex emotions, and he’s going to have his own way of reacting to your attempts at getting back together (whether he knows what you’re up to or not). So I wanted to write this article because I know you’re wondering, “Why is he hot and cold?! Am I doing this wrong?”
It’s normal to worry about his reaction and his attitude, but I am here to tell you that it’s normal. Let me explain why…
Why is he hot and cold all the time?
Let’s cut right to the chase. When a man is hot and cold, it usually means that he is working through his emotions.
Breakups are painful for everyone – even for the person who decided to pull the plug in the first place. We often make the mistake of thinking that it only hurts for the person who got broken up with, but the truth is that both people can experience doubts, fears, a blow to the ego and of course, heartbreak.
So while you’re working on getting him back, he’s going to be working through his own set of emotions following the breakup and in terms of how he feels about you.
Truth be told, many men don’t really know what they want after a breakup, so they end up running hot and cold. They’ll feel good around you one moment and act sweet and nice, only to act like a jerk or disappear a few hours later. This of course leaves you feeling like you’re not doing something right and feeling frustrated.
Let me put it this way. He might be warming up to you and then experiencing a little voice in his head that says something like
• You broke up for a reason! Why are you getting close to her again?
• She broke your heart, remember?!
• Don’t you want your freedom? What are you doing!
• You’re just going to hurt her again if you get too close…
He’s going to pull away. He’ll either be very cold and mean, or just distant and hard to reach. Whatever his behavior might be, it’s enough to drive you nuts!
Now, as frustrating as this may be, I want to point out something that I think you’ll like.
If you’re thinking, “He is hot and cold,” it means that he’s experiencing some strong emotions. This means that he’s feeling something for you, which of course is good! He isn’t totally disinterested and indifferent. As I mentioned above, there is a lot of doubt that follows breakups. It is rare for a person to be 100% certain of their decision to leave someone they love(d), and this is exactly what you need to zero in on. You don’t want him to convince himself that his life would be better without you! …Or that it would be better to friend-zone you…
It’s also important to note that sometimes, hot and cold men are stringing you along. They like knowing that a woman is at their beck and call, but they don’t want to commit. So they’ll be warm and cuddly when they want attention or reassurance that they have an effect on her, but they’ll pull away when they feel like she’s getting too close.
I worked with a client last month who was dealing with exactly this. Christine had been with her ex for three years before he broke it off. His reasoning was that he needed to figure out who he was and feel more independent. It broke her heart, because she felt that the love was still there. She worked valiantly to try to repair their relationship while giving him space and time to figure things out. She did this for a year and a half!
As time went on however, she started to realize that he was doing everything in his power to keep her close enough to ensure that they would be intimate from time to time, but he would push her away as soon as it came to commitment. When she became frustrated and began distancing herself from him, he would send her love letters and tell her that she was the love of his life. When she took a step back and analyzed the situation, she realized that he was seeing what he could get away with and just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He didn’t truly want to be with her, he just liked feeling that he could have her if he wanted.
I tell you this because you have to take a moment to analyze the situation and determine if your ex is the best person for you or not. Yes, sometimes we need to go through periods apart so that we can be stronger when we come back together, and sometimes it’s pure selfishness. A hot and cold relationship should not be allowed to drag on for too long.
Christine came to me for help with bouncing back from the relationship and breakup, and getting back out there with a new frame of mind. We worked together to help her restore her self confidence and find the right partner for her.
So now, if you’re thinking that Mr Hot and Cold is definitely worth it, is there anything you can do to make him come around?
Of course there is!!
Hot and cold guy? Here’s what to do!
Now that we’ve talked a bit about why he is hot and cold, let’s take a look at what you can do about it.
When your ex is exhibiting hot and cold behavior, you’re going to have to zero in on his positive emotions for you. Logically, he might be thinking that he needs to pull away because you two have broken up, but chances are that he still feels something for you (emotionally-speaking – not just physically).
Simply put, you want him to realize that life would be better with you in it as his partner in crime!
This means that you’re going to have to make him see you in a romantic and sexual way instead of a platonic way. Click here to learn exactly how to re-seduce your ex boyfriend.
You’ll need to show him that life is so much more fun when you’re together. This means that the time you spend together needs to be positive. No talking about the breakup and the sadness and the pain…
Focus more on activities that will bring you closer together. Some of the best ones are adrenaline inducing ones like riding roller roasters and rock climbing. Guess what. Adrenaline boosts the libido and your bonding chemicals…
At the same time, work on becoming the absolute best version of yourself. You need to be proud of everything you bring to the table. I’m talking positive body image, proud of your progress at work, your personal projects, hobbies, social circle…
Flirt with him but don’t start sleeping with him yet. If you’ve already started sleeping with your ex, I encourage you to read this right away!
Also, if you’re dealing with a hot and cold guy, make sure you aren’t suffocating him or acting needy or clingy. Don’t be the first to reach out to him all the time. Don’t blow up his phone. Give him he opportunity to come to you. Make sure you’re busy with your own life. This will help you to maintain balance, become even more attractive to him, and have plenty of interesting things to share when you see him!
As always, I am here to help so don’t hesitate to get in touch with me directly right here.
All my best,
Your coach when he’s hot and cold