As I was reading my emails this morning, I came across an email from Stephanie who asked, “When couples break up, is it worth it to try and save the relationship? Is it even possible? And if I were to try, how would I even go about doing it?” This is a question that I am asked on a regular basis, and as a love and relationship expert specialized and getting people back together, I wanted to take some time today to write an article on the subject for you.
Break ups are tricky, there is no doubt about that. But there are so many tools available to you that can help you get back together with the one that you love and it is my goal to go over those with you in this article. Today we will explore why the breakup occurred and how exactly you can approach the situation when you want to get back together.
So without further ado, let’s dive right in!
When a couple breaks up, is the relationship worth saving?
Many people might argue that if a breakup took place, it means the the relationship was broken and the two people should just move on. Well, truth be told it does mean that the relationship was broken… but it does not automatically mean that it does not warrant a second chance on a new foundation.
Something that I have noticed in today’s society is that we aren’t taught the value of repairing things that are important to us. It’s so much easier to throw something broken away and just go out and get a new one. When you apply this to relationships you’re setting yourself up for heartache.
There is a quote by the great Indian philosopher Osho that I love :
“If you love a person and live the whole life with him or with her, a great intimacy will grow and love will have deeper and deeper revelations to make to you. It is not possible if you go on changing partners very often. It is as if you go on changing a tree from one place to another, then another; then it never grows roots anywhere. To grow roots, a tree needs to remain in one place. Then it goes deeper; then it becomes stronger. Intimacy is good, and to remain in one commitment is beautiful, but the basic necessity is love.”
So in essence, learning how to navigate through challenges and using them as a tool for making your bond stronger than before is key for saving a relationship, even after couples break up.
The point I want to make with all of this is that if you know that deep down in your heart this is the person that you love and want to be with, and are willing to make an effort to rectify the issues the relationship was facing, then yes! It is worth it to save this relationship!
On the flip side, if you and your ex broke up and the reason you want to get back together is rooted in emotional dependence, then it would be wise to focus more on restoring your self confidence and learning how to be happy on your own. Another thing that I see on a regular basis is people wanting to get back together with an ex simply because they are afraid of being alone.
They had developed a certain routine with this person and the relationship had essentially become their comfort zone even though it wasn’t providing them with what they need in order to feel fulfilled. A lot of people don’t realize that they’d rather be unhappy in a relationship than be single.
So I encourage you to take some time to evaluate the situation and determine whether or not you feel that this relationship is worth saving. If you know that you love this person and that you two could make each other so happy, then it is entirely possible to get this person back and create a relationship with them that is better than ever before!
Why do couples break up? The real reason…
When you’re wondering about why couples break up, it all boils down to one very simple thing.
Every single person on the face of this earth wants to be happy. So just like you, your ex wants happiness and the reason why he or she broke up with you is simply that your ex lost faith in your overall ability to make them happy long-term.
Of course there will be a whole list of reasons that led to this decision to break up, but the underlying cause is that they lost faith. If you want to get back together with this person and inspire them to give you a second chance, you are going to have to make them come to the realization that they could be very happy with you.
So yes, couples do break up and get back together, and it is because they were able to lay out a new foundation for the relationship that reassured them that happiness would be present long-term.
As we get started with how to undo a breakup, I would like you to take a piece of paper, divide it into columns, and write down an exhaustive list of all the issues that your relationship was facing on the left side. Take your time with this and write down any issue that you can think of no matter how big or small it be. On the right side, start listing out concrete solutions to each issue you listed.
At this stage it’s going to be of upmost importance to get a 360° view of the relationship and be able to put yourself in your ex’s shoes. Empathy will help you to define clear solutions to the problems your relationship was facing…
What can restore a relationship after a couple breaks up?
In addition to happiness there are two more elements that are going to make the difference it comes to couples getting back together.
As I was saying above, a person is going to want to be with someone who is happy. Have you ever noticed how others are drawn to a happy person like moths to a flame? Well a relationship is no different. No one wants to be with someone who is unhappy, so I want to make it your goal to start living a life that fills you with joy.
I know that when a breakup takes place, it’s hard to be optimistic and positive, but it is entirely in your power to do so. Looking at the glass half full instead of empty will make a world of difference. The more positive you are, the more motivated you will be to carry out the actions that will get you closer to your goal.
What to do after a couple breaks up: Making yourself happy
The key to success for any couple who gets back together after a breakup is understanding that you can’t rely on another person for your happiness. No, not because they’re not dependable; it’s because it puts pressure on them for something that is not their responsibility.
The result is then an imbalance in the relationship that can lead to tension. The way to ensure that happiness has permanent role in your life is to take matters into your own hands. Start to fill up your schedule up with activities and people that bring you joy. Think about what new things you can try out.
Think about classes you could take, the language you might like to learn, a weekend trip with your best friend, and different ways to exercise.
Physical activity is one of the absolute best things you could do for yourself right now because it boosts your self-confidence in addition to boosting your energy levels. It helps you to sleep better and feel better in your body, which makes it that much easier to make positive changes in your life.
Couple breakups: Trust and Change
The second thing I want to bring up in terms of couples breaking up and getting back together, is the importance of trust. This falls in line with what I was saying about about restoring your ex’s faith in being able to have a happy relationship with you.
The way to restore your ex’s faith in you is by making concrete changes in your life. Actions will always speak louder than words so it is crucial that you steer clear of empty promises. I know that when your heart is broken you want this person back, it’s easy to promise that you’ll change and that things would be different, but your ex doesn’t want words. Words are not going to change your ex’s mind and make them trust you again; but actions will.
Once your ex recognizes that you have established new patterns, you will have his or her attention. By showing your ex your changes and that you have a better life, they can feel reassured that your changes are permanent. Change is an essential part of getting an ex back, and this is what allows you to lay a solid foundation for success.
Top reasons couples breakup and don’t succeed in getting back together
It’s important that I include a section on behavior to avoid at all costs when you want someone back. Two of the biggest mistakes I see after couples break up are begging and pleading. When a person desperately wants an ex back, it’s easy to give in to negative behavior… the problem however, is that this pushes you further away from your goal. To put it bluntly, begging and pleading with an ex to take you back is a surefire way to make them run for the hills.
I should also mention that even if you’re feeling vulnerable and hurt right now, do not try to threaten or blackmail your ex under any circumstances. Vengeful behavior might feel good in the moment but it just leads to problems in the end. My advice to you is to always prioritize positivity and positive changes in your life.
How to fix a relationship breakup
After a breakup takes place, there are so many tools and techniques available to you for fixing the situation. It all starts with you and your mindset. When you start to take care of your own life, you will begin to notice positive changes all around you. It becomes a snowball effect and things will continue to improve. Your ex will most certainly take notice of these changes as well.
I do want to mention though, that the positive changes you’re making in your life right now are not to get your ex back! You have to be doing these things in order to make yourself happier. When you succeed in doing this, people start to see you in a new light – your ex included.
We want your ex to to start to recognize the new and improved version of you… the new and improved version of the person he or she fell in love with in the first place!
So let’s take a look at some of the most powerful techniques for doing this.
The NC Rule after a breakup in a couple
If you’re familiar with our philosophy, then you have undoubtedly heard of the no contact rule. For those of you who are not familiar with this tool, let me just tell you that it is one of the most powerful ones you have in your arsenal.
The goal of it is to provide your ex with an electric shock while simultaneously giving you the opportunity to take a step back so that you can make a stronger comeback. It basically consists of cutting all forms of communication with your ex for predetermined period of time depending on the variables of your break up.
The period of time typically lasts from three weeks to three months, and I encourage you to get in contact with me or a member of my team so that we can analyze the situation and tell you what kind of timeline would be ideal for you.
While you use this tool, you have to cut communication fully. That means texting, no calling, no emailing, no liking pictures on Facebook or Instagram, no DMs, no pokes, no carrier pigeons, no smoke signals… nothing! As far as your ex is concerned, you are to drop off the grid entirely.
The point to all this is to shock your ex. Up until now, he or she has gotten used to having you around all the time. Unfortunately, this makes it easy for a person to take you for granted. That said, when a person realizes that you are no longer at their beck and call, they start to crave your attention.
It’s basic human nature. When something is abruptly taken away from you that you feel is yours, you immediately want it back. If you drop off the grid, your ex is going to start to wonder what you’re up to.
During this period, your goal is to revamp your life. Think about what elements that used to bring you joy got put on the back burner when this relationship took precedent in your life.
How could you get more physically active? How can you make more time to see people make you happy? How can you incorporate helping others into your schedule? When a couple breaks up, it’s easy to wallow in self-pity and isolate oneself. One of the first things you can do to start feeling better is to actually help others. The joy you bring them will remind you of your value and bring you joy as well.
Another thing that can help you feel better very fast is to switch up your surroundings. We’re all visual creatures so If you are surrounded by things that remind you of your ex, it’ll be harder to keep them off your mind. Start boxing up everything that belongs to your ex or makes you think of your ex.
It’s your call whether you want to get rid of this box or keep it in the garage. Next, you can start reorganizing your furniture so that things feel fresh again. Little things like this help you to clear your mind because you’re getting active and you’re making changes.
For more in depth information about how to use the no contact rule and get your ex back, I encourage you to click here.
A couple getting back together after NC
As this article comes to a close, I wanted to briefly go over how to talk to your ex when it’s time to get back in touch with him or her. One of the most effective techniques for doing this is the handwritten letter, and I recommend reading this article on how to write the perfect one.
Many people wonder how exactly to talk to ex after a breakup, especially when they want to get back together. It’s always challenging to talk to an ex, so keep this in mind: Talk to your ex as if he or she were your best friend.
If you’re constantly worried about saying the wrong thing and you’re fixating on making the right impression, you aren’t going to be yourself and it’s going to be tough to get through to your ex and recreate that connection. If you approach them like a friend, you will adapt your behavior and you’ll feel much more at ease.
Instead of putting labels on the situation and thinking, “I am talking to my ex,” approach the situation thinking, “I am talking to my friend.” This will release all the pressure that can lead to mistakes.
Make sure you take your time. Do things step by step! Don’t take the first opportunity you have to speak with your ex to ask him or her if they still love you, if they’re over you, if they want to still be together, etc.
Think more about sharing what you’ve been up to, what amazing movie you just saw, what fun places you checked out with your friends over the weekend, what kind of class you signed up for… Think about what kinds of things you can share that would make your ex realize that your life seems interesting and fun. Remember what I said about everyone wanting happiness? Well, we want your ex to look at your life and feel inspired to want to be a part of it because it looks so enjoyable!
As always, we are here to help you from A-Z so please don’t hesitate to reach out. You can get in touch with me or member of my team by clicking here, or by leaving your questions in the comment section below. It would be our pleasure to personally respond to you.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach for a couple breakups
I Know We Are Meant To Be!
Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!