One of the most common topics I am asked about is sex with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Is it a good idea? Is it a good way to get back together with someone and what do you do if you’ve found yourself in a situation where you are having casual sex with an ex that you actually want to be with? It is definitely a hot topic and there is a lot to know about sleeping with an ex. In some situations it is definitely something that can help you reach your goal of getting back together, but in other cases it could actually damage your odds success quite a bit.
This is especially the case when you are thinking “He used to me for sex.” Unfortunately, it is very easy to hand everything to an ex on a silver platter when you were hoping to get back together, but when someone is allowed to have their cake and eat it too, you will quickly see that they will not commit to you.
That is why wanted to write this article that will go over what to do in this type of situation.
He used me for sex: How this happens
When it dawns on you, it can feel pretty cringey and unsettling. You have feelings for this man and you’ve got history, and you started spending time together again. You’ve found yourself in the bedroom together again, and while it might feel amazing in the moment, you’ve started realizing, “I think he’s using me for sex…”
How did this start happening? What does it mean? Is there any way to turn it around or are you stuck in the friends with benefits zone?
First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. This happens to so many people – especially those who miss their ex and are hoping to get them back. It’s a very easy trap top fall into. You want to feel close to this person, and sex is pretty much the most intimate thing that you can do with them.
A lot of people hope that sex will reignite an ex’s feelings for them, or at the very least remind them of how good things used to be between them. Unfortunately, human nature dictates that this usually isn’t what ends up happening.
Human beings are notorious for taking things for granted. When something is readily available to us and we don’t feel like we had to work for it, it loses its allure. Sadly this can be applied to human relationships as well.
As I mentioned in the introduction, when a person is allowed to have his cake and eat it too, he loses all incentive to work towards earning the prize. For our purposes, the prize is you, and your ex already feels like he’s got you in his pocket.
Secondly and most importantly, if you really want to get back together with this person you are going to have to stop sleeping with him and making sex readily available whenever he feels like it.
He needs to understand that you are worth fighting for and that you present an exciting challenge… so how do we do this?
My ex boyfriend used me for sex: Here’s what to do
People come to me asking about what to do when an ex is only interested in sex so often. As I was saying, it’s such a tough situation to be in, but there are actually things that you can do about it to turn it around.
There are a lot of ways that people wind up in this position but there is only one way to get out of it, and I think you know where I’m going with this! A lot of you aren’t going to like what I’m about to write but…
You have to stop sleeping with your ex!
If you continue despite the fact that you know that you and your ex boyfriend are not on the same page and he only wants sex, you are selling yourself short. This is how you end up feeling like “He used me”. Continuing to sleep with an ex that doesn’t want anything more than sex from you is only going to get you stuck in a situation that does not make you happy.
The more comfortable your ex feels, the less likely he is going to change. This means that he will not be seeing you as a viable option for a partner because he’s got all the elements of a relationship without actually having to commit to one. So he’s confident that you aren’t going anywhere and he doesn’t have to give you anything.
Once your ex realizes that he stands to lose what he wants (the intimacy), we will get an answer about what his true intentions really are.
Either he will let it all go and you’ll see that he still doesn’t want to have a relationship with you and he’s OK with saying goodbye to you, or he will realize that he misses the connection and the intimacy that he shared with you, and will be open to reconsidering the relationship between you.
Now, there are a couple things that you can do to increase the odds of him realizing that it’s worth it to reconsider the relationship with you!
1. Stop having sex with him
Like I just said, stop handing everything to him on a silver platter and see how he reacts. In addition to this, avoid answering late night booty calls and if you hang out, prioritize hanging out during the day. Focus on having fun together outside of the bedroom so he associates you with joy and excitement.
It’s too easy to wind up in the bedroom having no-string-attached sex, but if that’s not what you truly want then something needs to change.
2. Start becoming the new and improved version of yourself
By not being readily available to have sex with him AND showing him that you are actually becoming the 2.0 version of the girl he fell for in the first place, you’re going to grab his attention. You need to show him that he is not on a pedestal and you aren’t there at his every beck and call.
Your focus is on yourself and your life, and it is making you a happier person. By the way, people who are confident and genuinely happy attract others like moths to a flame. Your ex will not be immune to your allure if you can do this!
Remember, be careful with how you allow, because that is how you are teaching others to treat you.
Getting used for sex: Turning sex into a real relationship
It’s important to pay attention to what your ex is signaling to you. If he is being clear in his intentions and you know deep down that he wants nothing more than sex from you, then you need to be very honest with yourself.
So many of us become paralyzed by the fear of losing the person we love, that we forget that we are actually very much in control of the situation.
All you need to do right now is stop having sex with him. Start working on developing a more gratifying relationship with this guy. Like I said above, make sure that you’re spending time with him outside of the bedroom and help him to see you in a new light.
We want him to realize that you would be an incredible addition to his life – and not just in the bedroom.
Oftentimes we don’t value something until it’s taken away from us, so my advice to you is to switch up the dynamic a bit and see what happens. See what happens if you open the door to hanging out outside of having sex. For example, tell him you’re going out for a bite after sex and see if he wants to go. Pay attention to the dynamic between you.
If you see that he wants nothing other than the sex, then you know that this isn’t going to work for you.
So either you turn the page and move on, or cut off the supply of sex to this person. Either way, you have to stop sleeping with the guy!
As always, I know that there are so many different elements in each person’s situation so if you have any questions at all, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or a member of my team by clicking here, or leave your question in the comments section below.
Wishing you the best in life and love,
Your coach when you’re realizing “He used me for sex”
I Know We Are Meant To Be!
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