The love you feel for someone does not disappear into thin air just because you broke up. I work with a lot of people who ask me, “Is it normal to still love my ex even though so much time has already passed since the breakup?” It can be extremely frustrating, especially if you are still suffering from a break up. I have worked with people still love their exes after years of being apart.
Whether are you two broke up six months ago or five years ago, you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself for still having feelings for your ex. Love is a complex emotion that takes time to develop, but it also takes a lot of time for it to disappear. The important thing to do is to think about where these feelings are coming from and to determine what you want to do about it. If you no longer want to pursue a relationship with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, then that’s one thing and we need to explore tools for healing from the break up. If you still want to get back together with your ex, we still need to explore tools for bouncing back from the break up, but then we need to explore how to win this person back and create a relationship that is stronger than ever before.
I wanted to write this article for you today to help you navigate through this challenging situation and to define a concrete action plan that can help you reach your goal. I will go over what to do if you want to heal from the relationship breakup, and then I will explain how to go about getting back together with an ex that you are still in love with.
Why do I still love my ex partner?
As I said in introduction to this article, the love you feel for someone is not going to disappear overnight, especially if you experienced a powerful love story.
I was working with Peter a few days ago, who had come to me for help with getting his ex back. He and his ex-girlfriend, Caitlin, had broken up three years ago. The reason behind the breakup, well, multiple breakups, was that he couldn’t find the balance between feeling independent and being in a relationship. Both of them had become mutually emotionally dependent, and he wound up feeling very suffocated by the relationship. Consequently, he decided to break up with Caitlin.
Peter thought that he would be happier as a single guy, free to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. The break up was painful, and it took him a long time to come to terms with the fact that he had ended the relationship. The months went by and he didn’t find the peace that he was expecting to find. Instead, he began to bitterly regret his decision to leave her. They ended up getting back together because she also still loved him, but their relationship ended in another break up for the same reasons. He couldn’t figure out what he wanted (whether it was to be totally free and single, or in a committed relationship with the woman he loved), and it turned into an emotional roller coaster for Caitlin.
After putting some time and distance between them, he started to understand that the problem wasn’t the fact that he was in a relationship; it was that he was not satisfied with his own life. He wasn’t able to foster a stable relationship with Caitlin because he was not satisfied who he was and what he had to offer.
He started to focus on creating a life that felt satisfying in fulfilling, and he thought that maybe as time went on, he would fall out of love with Caitlin.
Three years down the line, Peter reached out to me because the love he felt for her was still there, but she had already moved on. She didn’t want to continue riding the emotional roller coaster that she had been on with him, and she didn’t believe him when he said he would change.
He wrote, “…I thought that after all this time I would be able to move on, especially because she doesn’t want me after everything I put her through. She’s with someone new and I should be over it, right? Is it normal to still love my ex even though three years have passed since we broke up? I don’t know what to do.”
I wanted to share Peter’s story with you because this is actually a common phenomenon. We assume that time heals all and that you just are supposed to get over breaking up with someone you love.
But there are a variety of reasons why you might still be in love with someone, and these feelings shouldn’t always be dismissed…
I’m still in love with you because you’re the one
Love is a powerful emotion and I’m sure that it comes as no surprise to you that if you still love someone, it could be because you know deep down that they’re the one you want to be with.
It is exceedingly hard to figure out how to move on if this is the person you want to spend your future with. Like I said in introduction, the powerful feeling of love will not disappear. Sometimes the feeling can be masked if you become very busy or distracted in your life. Then you wind up being surprised when it surges up again later on down the line and you wind up wondering, “Is this feeling normal? Am I still completely in love with my ex?”
I still can’t be happy without my ex, is it normal?
There’s another situation that I often come across in my coaching sessions with people who are still in love with ex boyfriends and girlfriends. There’s definitely a sense of love, but there is also a sense of emotional dependency that comes into play.
A lot of people have trouble finding happiness without their ex, but this needs to be remedied before all else. If you are familiar with our philosophy then you know that restoring your self-confidence and your ability to make yourself happy is always the first step, regardless of whether you want your ex back or not.
I still love my ex: Here’s what you can do
I do want to go over something that is important for us to keep in mind as we move forward. If you are suffering deeply as a result of the break up, we need to take a look at the amount of happiness in your life. I bring this up because if you are still suffering because of the loss of your ex and it is hindering your day-to-day happiness, it means that your ex is holding too much power over your happiness.
In essence, it means that deep down, you believe that you need your ex in order to be happy. The problem of course, is that you are handing over this power to someone who is not with you – someone who should not have this responsibility whether they are with you or not.
It is okay that you still have strong feelings for an ex, but it is very important to remember that you have a lot of control over the amount of happiness and satisfaction you have in your personal life. This person’s presence should not dictate your quality-of-life.
So if you are still not over an ex, we need to focus on generating more happiness in your life. This is true for any person reading this article. You have to build a foundation that you are proud of in order to move forward.
A lot of people allow themselves to make the mistake of believing that they will never be happy without their ex. If you tell yourself that you will never be happy without this person by your side, then you will never be happy without this person by your side! What’s more, you probably won’t succeed in getting back together with them because you’re not building the proper platform.
In order for you to be truly happy in your life after this break up, you have to work on actively improving your quality-of-life. This will help you to feel more in control, and if you want your ex back, this is exactly how we’ll begin to attract him or her back.
Start zeroing in on what you are unhappy with in your life without your ex
Instead of wondering, “Is it normal that I’m still in love with my ex,” I would like you to think more about what elements are missing from your life? How can you create a life that feels more fulfilling? Are you happy in your job? Are you getting enough exercise? Are you confident in what you bring to the table?
Oftentimes we feel nostalgic and feel like we can’t be happy without an ex because we aren’t satisfied in our current lives. So I encourage you to start thinking about how you could begin to introduce more happiness into your daily routine, and you’ll see that you will start feeling better and better.
Start setting small goals for yourself. If you’re not happy in your job, start applying for other positions. If you feel like some improvement could be made and your physical health, start going for runs or hitting the gym at least twice a week.
With time, your heartbreak will start to heal and you will start to feel more in control of the situation. The sooner you start to feel proud of your life, the sooner you will start to feel better. The better you feel, the easier it is to attract someone back into your life!
In addition to all of this, keep in mind that the more power you give your ex by making them feel that you need them in order to be happy, the less attracted they will be to you. Human beings are drawn towards exciting challenges. If you are someone who wants your ex back, keep in mind that they will be less attracted to you if you keep them on a pedestal. It is a basic human nature to take things for granted that are readily available to us.
When we feel like something belongs to us, it’s dangerously easy to assume that it’s always going to be there. If you are constantly reassuring your ex that you aren’t going anywhere, it becomes dangerously easy for them to take you for granted.
So if you want this person back in your arms, you have to become an exciting challenge again, and easiest way to do this is to start feeling very proud of your life and what you bring to the table. It is important to understand how to let go of someone you love so that you can make a stronger comeback.
Is it normal to still love your ex and how to make them feel the same way about you
So, as I explained above, there is nothing abnormal about still loving an ex – we just need to make sure that you channel your energy into feeling happy without them, especially if you want them back. It’s a perfectly human response, but it’s crucial that you make sure that you are no longer suffering.
Now that we have gone over why this is so important, let’s take a look at what you can start doing to make your ex miss you…
Still in love with you: The power of the no contact rule
One of the most powerful tools available to you for getting an ex to want you back is the no contact rule. If you have read other articles on this website then you have probably heard of it, but for those of you that have not, the NC rule consists of cutting communication with your ex for a predetermined period of time that depends on details about of your relationship and break up.
The point of all of this to catch your ex off guard and surprise them. It offers you the opportunity to take a step back in order to make a stronger comeback.
But is this tool is effective when you have been broken up for a very long time?
The NC Rule is most effective in situations where two people broke up not that long ago. It’s really powerful because it can give your ex an electroshock that makes him or her see you in a new light, but if you’ve been broken up for something like two years, then there is another technique that would be more appropriate for your situation…
The handwritten letter when you are still in love with your ex
If a significant amount of time has passed since the breakup that took place between you and your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, you have probably been wondering about the different ways in which you can get back in touch – especially because you have come to terms with the fact that you are still in love with this person.
Some of the people that reach out to me for help in this situation tell me that they opted for sending a extremely long text message with all of their feelings… I can tell you right now that that’s not the best option here. Text messages are mundane, impersonal, and too short to be able to convey all of the elements that you need to communicate to your ex.
So that is where the handwritten letter comes in.
By writing a letter to the person that you still love, you accomplish a couple different things. First of all, you will surprise your ex (especially if it’s been a while since they’ve heard from you). When you receive an actual handwritten letter from someone, you will be more inclined to read it. Think about it, would you rather read 15 text messages from someone or an actual letter that they wrote to you?
You will also be able to organize your thoughts in a clear and productive way, making it much easier to get your message across to your ex.
On top of that, this letter has an incredible long-term value. The human brain retains about five to 10% of what is being sent to them, so by giving your ex something special like a letter, they will be more inclined to revisit it and reread it. The more time they spend looking at your letter, the more information is going to be stored in their long-term memory.
I also want to keep in mind that it can be really challenging to say everything you want to say to your ex face-to-face or on the phone. Sometimes things come out wrong, sometimes you panic, and sometimes a bunch of things are left unsaid. A well-thought-out letter allows you to present each point with carefully selected words that really convey your message to your ex.
This letter also benefits you. It allows you to release all of these emotions that have been boiling inside of you. After writing it, you will feel lighter and more relieved. It’s important to release all of the emotions that have been pent up inside of you, and a letter offers you the perfect opportunity to do this.
You just need to be careful to avoid filling this letter with negative emotions. If you are still suffering thinking, “ I still love him/her so much” and you feel like you have a lot of negative emotions that you need to release, I suggest writing a couple drafts just for yourself. You can put all your thoughts down on paper and start feeling better by clearing your mind, and once you’ve gotten all of these emotions out, you can start to write a letter to the ex that you still love.
For more information on how to write the perfect letter, I encourage you to click here.
As this article comes to an end, I want to reiterate the fact that it is not crazy that you’re still in love with your ex – you just need to figure out where this feeling is stemming from, how to introduce more happiness into your life, and then begin to work on using the tools that will attract your ex back (if that is what you truly want).
If you have any questions at all, I invite you to leave your comment section below and it would be our pleasure to get back to you.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you are wondering if it is normal to still love an ex
I Know We Are Meant To Be!
Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!