Emotions run high after breakups and each person has a different way of handling them. Some people cling to their exes and seek reassurance, whereas others hide away and isolate themselves. In other cases, like with your ex, they’ll push someone away and limit the contact between them (if they don’t cut it off completely!)
The problem of course is that you’re left thinking, “He pushed me away so I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to get him back…” Fortunately, everything is possible in love as long as you’re motivated and willing to put forth the effort. Many of the things that you’re going to need to do will go against your initial instincts, but sometime that’s how to turn things around.
We all have complex emotions and varying ways of handling conflict and pain. If your ex is pushing you away, you’re just going to have to take a look at why he’s doing it and plan your next steps. So let’s go over what you need to do!
How come he pushed me away like this?
Sometimes it’s abrupt, but sometimes it happens over time. A break up can really take a toll on a person, and your ex is no exception. Right now he’s probably experiencing one of the stages of grief, and it’s most likely that it’s either anger, denial, or depression.
Many men have the tendency to push people away when they’re dealing with things. They don’t like to be perceived as weak, and they don’t like to feel like they’re showing too much emotion. This is why many guys will push people away – especially their exes – when they’re hurting.
Now this can be because he’s heartbroken, but it can also be because he’s angry. He might be pushing you away out of spite because he feels that you hurt or disrespected him in some way. You know better than I do!
It’s very important to be honest with yourself right now. Think about any concrete reasons behind why he might be acting like this right now.
If you did something specific that upset him, you’re going to have to factor that into your process of getting back together. You’ll have to show him that you’ve understood what you did wrong and you can provide concrete solutions.
Sometimes, people end up pushing people away for other reasons that are a bit less obvious. I once coached a girl named Allison who told me that her ex began pushing her away even though nothing had really happened.
He wasn’t even dating a new girl. Within the span of a few weeks, he started taking longer to answer her texts until he stopped answering them all together, he stopped answering the phone, he started dodging her suggestions to hang out, and then finally he told her that he needs his space.
They had been speaking about restoring their relationship and Allison thought that things were going well. They were taking their time, and she didn’t feel like she was suffocating him, but he still pushed her away. She wrote to me, “I think my ex boyfriend is depressed and is pushing me away…”
When we dove a bit deeper into the details, I started to realize that her ex boyfriend was actually struggling with self esteem issues. He was actually pushing her away because he thought that she deserved better than him and that he could never be the man that she deserved.
You see, sometimes when a person is pushing someone away in a relationship or after a breakup, it’s simply because they are afraid that they would drag the other person down with them. I’ve come across this type of situation quite often and it’s a tough one. You are not in control of your ex’s emotions or his actions – you’re in charge of your own.
That said, your own actions can inspire your ex to improve his life and work on regaining his self confidence, and they can also inspire him to want to get closer to you. So how do you do that?
I am being pushed away: Help!
The most important thing to keep in mind right now is that you don’t want to force anything. If your ex wants space right now, you have to give him space. I understand that you might be thinking, “He pushed me away so I have to do whatever I can to explain to him that he doesn’t need to do that!”
Your first instinct is going to be to want to get closer to him so that you can make him feel at ease in your presence. You want to prove to him that he doesn’t need to feel that way. You want to convince him that you aren’t going to make him feel anything bad. Truth be told, this would only make him feel more suffocated right now.
The best thing you can do is actually to give him the space that he is forcefully putting between you. Whatever the reason may be, he needs this space.
But don’t panic!
When there is space between you and your love interest, you have the opportunity to shift the odds back into your favor. Sometimes, we reach a saturation point and we just need a breather. Depending on how intense things got, this period could be either long or short.
Here’s the thing – we want YOU to be back in control of the situation. Your ex has taken control by pushing you away, but we are actually going to use a bit of reverse psychology.
Simply put, reverse psychology consists of making a person do what you want them to do by making them feel like they’ve lost control of the situation. Yes, it is slightly manipulative which means that it should not be abused. For our purposes, we are going to give your ex the space he wants while making him realize that he actually doesn’t want that space as much as he thought he did.
We are going to begin using the no contact rule, which consists of cutting contact with your ex for anywhere from three weeks to three months (the longer the better for more intense breakups).
During this time you will not reach out to him in any way, and you won’t answer his messages when he starts to wonder where you went. You might be thinking, “He pushed me away and I don’t want to end up doing the same thing because I’m afraid I’ll lose him,” but all you have to do is think about human psychology.
When something is readily available and at your beck and call at all times, it becomes uninteresting. When something that you felt was “yours” is abruptly taken away, you immediately want it back… even if it had become boring to you. It’s because you want that power back.
So in essence, you are taking yourself away from your ex and you are giving him an electroshock. He will realize that he was taking you for granted and he will feel uncomfortable with the fact that the power play has shifted out of his favor.
This will make him pay much more attention to what you’re doing, so it’s crucial that you use this time wisely.
During no contact, you are to get very busy with people and activities that bring you joy. Think “Freshness.” You want to try out new things, new activities, new places, new classes, you name it!
Pick up your old hobbies that were forgotten about when you got in a relationship. Take back control of the situation when you start noticing signs of being pushed away.
You’ve got to use this period to truly work on becoming the best version of yourself. Hit the gym, get ahead at work and with your personal projects, and push yourself to step out of your comfort zone.
If you would like one on one guidance throughout this challenging period, don’t hesitate to reach out or to post your question in the comments section below.
Wishing you all the best,
Your coach when you’re realizing “He pushed me away”