If you’ve browsed through the articles on this website, you may have noticed that a large portion of them are geared towards situations in which a person was broken up with by their ex, and it happened against their will. That is why I wanted to take some time today to write an article specifically for those of you that have broken up with your exes, but are in a situation in which you both decided that it would be “for the best.”
It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel because you’re worried that the damage is done, but trust me when I say that the situation is reversible. It’s all about approaching it in the right way, and you’re in the right place to find out how to do just that! As a team of love and relationship coaches, it is our goal to provide you with the tools and techniques that will allow you to get back together with the one you love and create a relationship that is better than ever before!
In this article, you will learn why this breakup hurts so badly and how you can ease the pain and overcome the breakup. Then I will go over the tools that would work in your situation and how exactly to get your ex back!
Even mutual breakups hurt!
A lot of people have the misconception that a breakup doesn’t hurt as much if you both decided that it should end. Truth be told, sometimes these types of situations can actually hurt more because you are forcing yourself to do something that you don’t want to do.
Mutual breakups often happen because of external circumstances. For example, one of you needs to move away for a new job and you decide to break up instead of trying the long distance thing. You end up experiencing a mutual break up because of long-distance.
By the way, if you are in this situation and you want to know how to get back together after a long distance relationship, click here). Other times, it’s because you two keep running into the same issues within the relationship and you two decide to just call it quits.
The problem of course is that the love is still present and you both know that you love each other. Not being together becomes that much more painful because you know that the bond you shared didn’t just disappear. In fact, it’s still very much there but you two have separated. The pain comes from losing something that could still be there and it feels like it’s just out of reach.
Some of you might be wondering if it’s possible to get back together after a mutual breakup if the reason you broke up was because it felt like the love was gone?
Well good news – it is entirely possible, yes! When two people are together for a long time, is not uncommon for a routine to settle in. Things can start to feel monotonous and predictable, and with time the passion that used to exist between you can fizzle out.
The thing about relationships is that they will evolve no matter what. Every single relationship experiences stages and many people mistake the end of the honeymoon stage as the end of the relationship.
Similarly, many people don’t realize that a relationship will always require maintenance. So I often see people decide to end the relationship because they felt that the flame stopped burning as brightly, and they didn’t actually do the work to keep the flame alive. So then they end up feeling frustrated by the situation and the breakup, especially because they had such high hopes for their future with this person.
So no matter what the reason behind the breakup was, it’s going to hurt. That said, if you are willing to do the work this relationship can be repaired and you can make it better than ever… so let’s take a look at how to do that!
How to cope with breaking up with someone you love: The mistakes to avoid
As we begin, I would like to go over the most common mistakes people make after they go through a mutual break up with the person they still love. Unfortunately, the vulnerability you feel post breakup puts you at risk for making mistakes that actually get you further away from your goal of getting back together.
How to deal with a breakup when you still love them: Avoid mistake #1
In these types of situations, I often see that a person bitterly regrets the decision to break up, or agreeing with their partner’s decision to break up. As a result of this, they will scramble to try and get their ex back as fast as possible. The problem with rushing of course, is that the root causes of the problems the relationship experienced that led to this breakup are not addressed and are not rectified.
This is when we see empty promises and Band-Aid solutions that actually put the relationship at risk. If a solid foundation is not laid out, the relationship is easily likely to go down the same exact path and end up in the same exact breakup.
So the first mistake I want you to avoid right now is rushing things. What’s a few weeks or months of discipline compared to a lifetime of happiness?
Mistake number two in mutual separations
The next thing I want you to be careful with is focusing too much on feelings. I know that the heartache is intense, and I know you just want to be back in this person’s arms, but the important thing to focus on is your actions. Your actions will always speak louder than words.
And though this might be a little bit blunt, your ex doesn’t want to hear your words right now. You’ve probably already talked about everything hundreds of times, and you still wound up with the breakup. So the thing to do is to really prioritize concrete actions. Concrete improvements in your life, your patterns, your schedule, your health, your self confidence, and your willingness to take action are what will make the difference.
Avoid this even if you broke up peacefully
The third mistake I want you to avoid is looking for magic solutions that will get to immediate results. Again, proper breakup recovery takes time and patience, and you are not going to lay out the proper groundwork for a solid relationship by trying to come up with one giant gesture of your undying love for this person. There are no magic words that are going to rectify the situation at the drop of a hat. It takes work, but it’s a labor of love and it is entirely worth it!
Breaking up mutually: mistake #4 to avoid
Last but not least, I want to bring your attention to the importance of being proactive. When it comes to getting an ex back after a mutual break up, you cannot just wait around for your ex to tell you what he or she wants from you or to give you the answers.
You have to take the time to analyze the situation, Think about what exactly went wrong, what exactly you can do differently from here on out, put yourself in your ex’s shoes to understand what he or she may have been feeling, and think about what kind of long term solutions you can implement into your daily life.
The mistakes people make after breakups (whether they are mutual or not) rooted in basic human emotions, and it’s perfectly natural, but it is up to you to always focus on actions.
I like to remind my clients that you are in control of much more than you might realize right now, and I want that to make you feel empowered! It is in your power to get your ex back and to make your bond stronger than it ever was before.
How to deal with mutual friends after a breakup happens
One of the most common things that people ask me after a breakup happens is what to do when you two have a bunch of the same friends. Should you just cut them off? Or should you turn to them for advice with the situation?
It’s perfectly natural to want and need support from the people around you when you go through a breakup, and if you had been with this person for a long time then it is highly likely that you have quite a few friends in common now.
The first thing I want to mention when it comes to dealing with mutual friends after a breakup is that whatever you talk about with mutual friends is most likely going to travel back up through the grape vine and reach your ex. That said, I know that many of you are perfectly aware of this and are into the idea of using this to your advantage! The breakup was mutual, and maybe you don’t dare approach your ex directly and tell them that you want them back, but what if they started to put the pieces together via what they hear from your mutual friends?
It would be a less direct approach for sure, and it would be a surefire way to get him or her to think about you, but hold on the second…
At this stage when your ego is bruised, it’s normal to experience negative thoughts that make you feel like your ex probably isn’t thinking about you. These negative thoughts can cloud your vision but let me tell you – your ex is experiencing a lot of heartache right now as well.
The thing about talking to your mutual friends about the breakup is that things can get very messy. Words can become skewed, things can be misinterpreted, and it’s dangerously easy for things to become altered as they travel back up through the grapevine towards your ex.
When you have mutual friends, my advice to you is to avoid speaking to them about the breakup when you’re still trying to get organized in your plan of action. It minimizes the variables that are out of your control and helps you to really stay on the ideal path.
Another thing to keep in mind is that talking about the breakup with your mutual friends actually keeps your previous relationship alive – which is not what we want to be doing right now. If you’ve gone though a mutual breakup, it means that something wasn’t working in the relationship and something needs to change.
If your ex is going to take you back, it’s going to be because he or she recognized that something concrete has changed, and their faith in your ability to make them happy in the long run will be restored. Your ex is not going to want to step back into the same exact relationship that you had before because you both already know how that ended.
What tools should you use if it was a mutual breakup?
There are so many tools available to people who want to get back together, it all depends on your specific situation. If you are familiar with our philosophy then you have probably heard of the no contact rule.
The no contact rule when you had a mutual breakup
For those of you that haven’t, let me just quickly summarize. It basically consists of cutting all forms of communication with your ex for a predetermined period of time that depends on the variables of your breakup. The goal of doing this is to give your ex an electroshock while simultaneously giving you the opportunity to bounce back and become the 2.0 version of yourself.
Now, when it comes to mutual break ups, cutting communication with your ex should only be done in certain situations so I highly encourage you to get in touch with me or member of my team so that we can design a tailor-made action plan that will help you choose the tools that are best adapted to your specific situation.
The letter when you both decided to break up
One tool that is highly useful in instances when a break up was mutual is the handwritten letter. Contrary to what many people think, the hand written letter is not a love letter or a love poem written for your ex. The goal of this letter it Is to present your point in a clear, noninvasive way. Your ex does not feel pressure and that gives him or her the opportunity to read it in peace and really absorb what you’re trying to say, without having the opportunity to interrupt.
The point of this letter it Is to talk about what you’ve come to understand as a result of the breakup, how are you’ve been able to put yourself in your ex’s shoes and see their point of view, what kind of changes you made in your own life, and what kind of concrete, long term solutions you can propose.
So it’s not about professing your love or begging for forgiveness; it’s about showing your ex that you have grown as a result of the breakup. For more information on this powerful tool, I encourage you to click this link and learn how to write the perfect letter to your ex.
Breaking up but still love each other: Restoring your relationship
At the end of the day, getting back together with someone you love boils down to one very specific thing: Happiness. Every single person on the face of this earth wants the same thing. We all want to be happy!
So like I said, if the breakup occurred, it’s because you two doubted your ability to make each other happy in the long run. Since the breakup took place you have come to realize that you do believe in you ex’s ability to make you happy, now you’ve just got to inspire your ex to feel the same way about you.
If you are able to take this relationship and this breakup, and use them this tools for becoming the new and improved version of yourself, AKA the new and improved version of the person that your ex fell in love with first place, you will become irresistible to them.
So what’s the best way to do this? Start by thinking about your own personal life. What elements that used to bring you joy got put on the back burner when this relationship took center stage? Think about your passions, your hobbies, your friends, your family, your personal goals, your professional goals, etc.
You can now begin to carve out time for these things and really fill your schedule up with them. Many people have the tendency to lose themselves when they are in a relationship and as a result of this, their partner loses them too. They no longer recognize the person they fell for in the beginning.
When you begin to reimplement these elements in your life, you begin to boost your own sense of happiness and satisfaction. As a result of this, your self confidence begins to solidify as well. The next step is to focus on what new elements you can introduce in your life.
What kind of activities have you always wanted to try out? Think about classes you been wanting to take, a language you’d be interested in learning, places you’d like to go, things you’d like to do… Now is the perfect time to start doing these things. When you begin to radiate positivity, fulfillment and happiness, it becomes impossible for your ex to not take notice. He or she will be left thinking, “Wow, my ex is doing so well and their life looks so gratifying… I wonder what it would be like to be a part of it.” This is when the seed of doubt regarding the break up as planted in their mind, and you’ve got to be ready for it.
We can help you with mutual break ups!
As I said above, that is exactly what we are here for! We have a plethora of articles available to you right here on this site, we have audio seminars and an entire YouTube channel dedicated to getting people back together. We are here to help you from A-Z no matter what your situation may be.
If you have any questions at all please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments section below, and it would be our pleasure to personally respond to you.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach for dealing with a mutual break up